April 23, 2016 | 4:03pm
I hated explaining myself to people. That’s why I don’t. I’m explaining myself to me. I am trying to figure out who I am inside, what I really want and who I want to become. I’m trying to find out who I am. That’s why I blog. I do not write just for fun. I don’t write something just to please anyone. I don’t write out of boredom. I write because there is something to write about. It’s not just a pastime. And the pleasure of it? well yeah, there’s a pleasure in writing. But regardless of that pleasure, it’s more of ‘where that pleasure comes from’. It’s the satisfaction that you get whenever you let the words come out…and peace & stillness — of your heart, your feelings and emotions, especially your mind. It’s the freedom of the soul…that you feel at ease with yourself. It’s the little freedom that you get when you’re trying to figure out your own thoughts, notion and perception. Especially your feelings. We write to figure things out. We write in order to release the weight.
And I just love how Sylvia Plath would put it…she had definitely hit it right and explained it well: “I write only because there is a voice within me that would not be still”. And isn’t that the reason why some, or better still, most of us, write? Sometimes we don’t really write out of pleasure, and most likely, we write out of pain; and never out of boredom. We don’t write because it’s a hobby. — we write because it’s definitely a Passion. It just comes naturally…we do not have to force ourselves to do such. We have to write because our minds won’t allow us not to. And Passion is what you do even if you won’t gain anything from it, even if it doesn’t pay, even if it doesn’t benefit — you know it does. Inwardly it does; your soul felt satisfied, it’s an inner joy that you cannot get from anything else. It’s ‘exceptional’ among all the other things that you do. It is the happiness and a little freedom that your heart gets every time you let all your feelings out.
Writing is FREEDOM. You felt free every time you write the words you cannot say, or tell to anyone. It’s the words that you cannot speak up, and can’t talk about the most.
Now I understand what Rizal was talking about; what he’s trying to say. Back then, I’ve always been so fond of him. Yes, our national Filipino hero. Regardless of being a national hero, I admire how talented and versatile he was. I even dreamed of going to Barcelona and Madrid to see the roads he had walked on. Now I understand him even more. Why he had chosen to write instead of fighting with the guns and swords. To use a quill/pen and paper to fight the foes, instead. Even though I never really quite understand his novels sometimes; I understand his point…and where he’s coming from. The depth in his works were indisputably, and profoundly, eloquent — in so many ways, and so many levels. The significant influence it has brought to us all is what made us believe that there is in fact, a Hope in writing.
Because here, you can write all the things you cannot say.
You don’t really get “fully” satisfied by the way you write your work, or words, or the way you express what you feel. There’ll always be that something that’s missing, something that you cannot point out. It won’t always be enough. The words aren’t enough to say what we exactly feel. I think maybe that’s why we just feel it. Because it was supposed to be felt, not to talk about; or tell, and put into words.
But it is in our nature that we do not stop until we find, until we figure out…until we know, and understand; until we get what we want, what we need and what we seek. Until we learn what it’s all supposed to mean. We do not stop until we find answers. And…we write because we’re trying.
I think, we write to figure this life out; to figure ourselves out. To express what we can’t do physically. To express what we cannot say and what we really feel.
But most importantly, we write to understand ourselves.