May 14, 2016 • 4:08pm
So we go on, and then we take those memories with us..
We thought we know ourselves well enough every time we introduce ourselves to others; to each other, and to one another. Until we realize…knowing your name is not the same thing as knowing yourself, inside.
We know exactly how to write our own name. How to pronounce it; know how to place every single letter. But here’s the thing: when you find yourself being lost, when you find yourself questioning your own worth, that name is nothing. It has nothing to do with what you feel. It has nothing to do with your character and who you are.
I think, the point is, to cherish who you are right now. Embrace everything about yourself. Cherish yourself. Cherish you. Because you never really know when is that time you might just change. Or when is that very moment that something will happen in your life, and suddenly… you are not who you are anymore. — or who you used to be.
Truth is, none of us have any idea when is change will take over us
Life is unpredictable. Maybe it’s just the way it’s supposed be? Or.. the way we perceived it to be. I don’t know. Just that…one day, something happened to me and it changed my life — forever. I continued living as if it didn’t even happen. Or as though I do not know a thing about it. But in pretending I do not know anything about it at all, I survived. Yes. I guess it wasn’t really the most humane thing to do, but it’s still a wise choice, after all.
When life made you choose between your heart and mind.. I guess it’s just wise to choose what your mind is telling you, if not the best; than to just let your heart decide. Our heart is so vulnerable and very fragile…it gets broken every time. But the mind? It teaches you to become stronger. Stubborn, even.
And I think, that time… I chose to trust on it because I thought, and I hoped in something.. that maybe… it might just save me. And then it did.
But the irony of it…is what comes after; and everything else that follows.
It all just came about to me so suddenly…as if someone had just splashed a bucket full of an ice cold water onto my face. The impact was so great; it was remarkable and impossible to remain overlooked. The realization, the hindsight… and epiphany –it all came back to me. It is all the aftermath of everything. It all came crashing down on me like an avalanche. And it’s just funny how that decision saved me from being broken at that time, but the things that just came after, were honestly, — far too worse. It didn’t just broke me. It destroyed me. It had killed me in the most subtle way possible.
We all know that life is unfair. But it’s just until latter, that we realize… life isn’t just unfair. Sometimes it’s weird, quirky, funny. And it’s just really funny because it’s ironic. In a sense that, you’d find yourself laughing at the betrayal of what life has did to you. You’ll wipe away your tears while saying, “damn, this life!”
I think life is playful that way. Not knowing what to come; where’s the next turn will take you. What to do next. And all these parananoia..anxiety, and over thinking, were just a natural response in having all those questions in your mind.
You’ll find yourself meandering between losing and finding yourself; knowing and changing..
And I am more unknown to me than I have ever been. More complicated than I ever was. I’m still on the journey of finding myself after I’ve lost her. I’m still learning. Still not done saying goodbye to the old me. Still mourning the loss of who I used to be. Still dealing with the pain of missing, and longing… It’s still not done; I’m still trying. And I never want to lose hope that somehow, this life has something in stored for me.. That I am not doing nothing.. That all this hardships won’t be thrown away; unrecognized. That this, what we call life, means something more…than just another word for suffering.
And then at times…when this kind of melancholia strikes me; and my spirit’s at the lowest…I just wanted to be gone forever. But then I always have to remind myself that this life’s not mine. Yes, not even my breath anyway. Not even my whole life.
This is a blessing, no matter what.
Life is… a very sacred thing. And sometimes, it becomes even more sacred when we find out that we desperately want to end it…
but chose not to.