The Throes of Letting go

We fight hard to hold on. And then we fight even harder to let go. It’s hard to forget. But it’s sometimes even harder to remember.

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August 19, 2016 • 1:01am

 To remember what you’ve fought harder to forget…

I attach on everything and I’m not even a Velcro. Or you could say that… I’m like a glue that even when I don’t want to, things just inadvertently go my way and stick to me. Convincing? No? Okay, I’m the one who attach on everything. Well, God help me!

The girl who attach on everything. –(Well that would suit me, I guess…)

I’ve always had a hard time letting go of even just a simple things… Like– deleting a phone message, because there’s just a funny convo on it; throwing away some probably crappy notes that was from the past years… or even just deleting a saved pages from some blog article that slightly became special to me, or that means something to me. Deleting random screenshots… Hearty quotes… even those creepy photos that I downloaded just to scare myself at night, and so on. So yeah. The list is just endless. It was kinda hard for me to let go… I hold on to even just small things that’s almost— useless and petty. But the thing is, I give importance to almost…everything. And almost everything has a meaning. Silly me because I sort of believed that every little thing might, or should supposed to mean something. I’m an over thinker and I can’t let go when I must. I’m sort of afraid of letting go, and throwing them because I always feel like I’m losing something. That I was losing something especial. Something important. Like a memory, or the sentimental value of it. It was always a trouble for me. A hopeless game of giving in and keeping still. It has always been so hard for me when it comes to throwing away the things that I should’ve never even kept in the first place. It took me so long to throw away even my old school projects. They stayed in my cozy room for years before I finally decided to let them all go… (probably just last summer this year). And until now I still have those old notes of mine that I use back in highschool. Old little toys, stuffed toys, dolls and more. When things mean something to you it’s really hard to let them go. You couldn’t really just throw it away like that; you just wanna keep it. Perhaps forever. And I become too fond of… every little thing. I feel like something has always some kind of sentimental value for me and that I should keep it. And whenever I see it, there’s always a memory attached on it and I’ll remember it/them. But that’s the thing.

Holding on to them so much is doing me no good. It’s not that healthy when I keep holding onto things that were already gone or that already belong in the past. I can’t go on and it’s suffocating me. That’s when I know I had to let go… That’s when I realized– I can’t make it to the front and go forward when I keep on holding onto the past and keep on looking back. My mind carries pictures of an old friends, voices from a loved ones, familiar smells… and nostalgic music. The faces of the people I used to know… And the flashbacks of a random memory… It never really helped me. It’s depressing as hell. Because then I’d realize, and I would remember. Remember everything. Remember even those things that I should’ve already forgot about by now. 

I’ll remember what I fought hard to forget.

I realized I was the one that’s been holding on so much…

I realized we can’t take everything with us. We have to let go of some, to get some. How can we go on if we carry all those heavy baggages on our both hands? How can we take another chance and opportunity if we still have something in our hands? How can we grasp those chances if our hands are still full of– I hate to say this but,– crap? How can we grab the new if we still carry around us the old ones? How can we get, how can we take if we are still holding onto something else? Something that’s probably, already, been useless?  

We have to let them go. We have to take it all down and leave elsewhere.

I realized we have to let go some of our memories, too. We need to free ourselves but we have to free them as well. That we also have to let go of ourselves. Not just those material things. I learned that you can’t carry another pack of weight on you if you’re already carrying a heavy one. If you yourself, are still full of heavy loads. I realized even memory also has an awful lot of weight and you can’t keep on bearing everything within you. You can’t; you’re gonna blow up. You’ll fall apart. You’ll break down. I learned that even if we want to, we can’t remember everything we don’t want to forget. We can’t remember everything we wanna keep. Because there’s always going to be something new. There’s always something to come; something fresh. And that even if we don’t mean to; even if we don’t choose to, and even if we don’t want to… there’s gotta be some replacement to the old ones… and suddenly, even if you don’t want to, you just forget about it. There’s a pile of new ones to remember and it overlays the old ones. We can’t carry everything with us and our brain get to choose what to keep and what to remember.

Memories are infinite but our mind sure isn’t.

I learned that memories are like the heavy personal things you always carry around with you. And you get to decide what’s for keeps because you can’t take everything with you. Because it has a weight, too. And you cannot breathe well if you have a lot of weight on your chest. You have to understand that you can’t carry everything — even memories. You also have to let them go some time. Because even if you want to, you can’t. We are not invincible.

Our mind wears out, too.

And just like what they do at any airports, there are weight limits to your baggage. If you have an overloaded luggage, then you know what to do next. To discard some of them and put it on the trash can. And you choose what’s worth to keep and what to let go…

You can’t carry an excessive amount of belongings with you; as much as we wanted to keep every memory we have in us…

Author: The Realist in the Abyss

I feel like a freaking lunatic. Wandering around... not knowing who I am... or what I do. And I'm still trying to figure it all out, too. But perhaps I'll always be unknown to me; I'll always be that girl. The girl in the abyss.

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