Sept. 2, 2016 • 10:08pm
I thought it was okay to feel nothing. I thought it was better if you don’t feel anything… But I thought wrong. Numbing the pain for a while doesn’t make you feel better. It was hell. Because you don’t feel anything, you don’t know what to feel. You’re just… floating.
All my life I dreamed to fly… but I was afraid of falling, I guess everyone is. But I still tried to; but I can’t remember whether I fell or I flew because right now, I’m just floating. And all I wanna do is to stand on the solid ground. I don’t even wanna see the edge.
I’m not quite sure on what’s happening, or what happened… or why I don’t remember or why I can’t. And what will happen next, is the most frightening question that scares the hell out of me. I don’t understand. Anything. And Everything. At all.
It confuses me a lot.
After all the earth-shattering chaos that you’ve been through… It’s hard not to feel anything, –to feel nothing. But then it hurts, it hurts so much to the point that you can’t go on with life. But you have to do something in order for you to live. And you don’t realize you’re numbing the pain… you ignore everything. You couldn’t care less. The “band-aid-method”. I guess it’s the only way in.
So you put those Band-Aids all over… Cover every wound. Even those that don’t have cuts. Until you started to look like a mummy, because you don’t realize you’ve put it all over yourself that it started to look like a gauze that’s been wrapped up around you. Until they can no longer recognize you. Until you can’t recognize yourself, either. Until you don’t know who you are anymore. Are you the girl that’s been wrapped up, or are you the girl inside? Or better yet, is the girl that was wrapped up inside still there?
It felt fine at first… Felt absolutely normal. But it doesn’t last long. The anesthesia always helps you cope up with pain. But the numbness will wear out and you either feel the pain again or get used to it. You get so accustomed with either the pain or numbness that it started to linger… until you don’t even know the truth. You can’t remember what’s true. And you’re not sure anymore. It lingers that you can’t quite figure out which one is true or which is for real. That you find yourself pretending you don’t feel the pain or you don’t care anymore. Until it becomes the reality. –the reality you created. But you can no longer care less. It’s just… There.
It felt okay to feel nothing. It was fine that you don’t feel anything at all. I actually felt quite in favor with it though, it felt right and… just. But it doesn’t make you feel better. Not really. It looked better on the surface, sure. But you know deep inside. It’s like hanging in the air… you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what to feel, you don’t know why, either. It’s just… you want nothing, that is all. And you feel like nothing.
You’re good as dead.
Your feelings are gone and it doesn’t really make you feel better. Say, it doesn’t hurt either… but like, you feel empty. And you don’t know how to live. You don’t know how to live while you want nothing and you’re not sure about your feelings. Or not even sure what to feel. You can never know what to do. You always have to ask yourself what to feel and decide what. You always have a mind full of questions… that you always end up feeling nothing. Your feelings are supposed to be your own core but you just feel empty. It’s hard because you have no direction. There’s no way in; there’s no way out. You’re just like the wind… or more like an air. You don’t cease to wander. You’re not cold, you’re not warm; not up, don’t even feel down. But you’re lost. You’re there; and you’re lost. And it’s the only thing you knew. You’re empty and you’re losing your mind (or more likely, out of your mind) and you don’t understand a thing; you have no idea… you don’t feel yourself. You can’t feel yourself. You feel paralyzed; unable to feel anything. It’s just a plain blank. And a blank reminds me of that flat line in a hospital machine… with its thin green lights, and has the sound of a long tiny beep… that indicates only one thing: Death.
And all my feelings are dead. Sometimes I wish I am, but I’m not. And sometimes, I don’t feel like I’m just lost… “Lost” would be an understatement. I feel like I’m gone. My feelings are gone. I’m already gone.
I’d like to think, and to tell myself that I’m just simply lost. That I’d still be able to find me. Still able to find and get myself back. But I’m afraid, I’m truly gone. And all I can do is grieve… and stare blankly. At that fading girl…
The girl that I was.