September 1, 2016 • 10pm
And I listened to the song I hadn’t heard so long… And then it brought back a sense of nostalgia. (Once again)
And by it, I remember… –remember everything I thought I have longed forgotten. I remember the roads, the empty streets.. the atmosphere, the people I’m with.. those memorable nights; the laughter.. The wind, the air, the smell… The Freedom.
A couple of years ago, I never would’ve even thought that I’d still remember it by this point of time. But then I did. But if it’s not for the song, I think maybe I won’t. But then again I think… I would… Perhaps because my mind still, literally, recognizes everything… all along.
It’s still there, after all.
And I thought once again, how our minds can still recognize such things; such memories… we thought were already forgotten along with the years that have come to pass. How our hearts can still remember even after everything that went on. It’s so amazing. It’s unbelievable. It almost seems so magical. I realized how much our hearts can carry such memories… Even when the hearts are broken. Even when we thought they were buried in our past long enough to be forgotten. Even when the new memories were there, overlaying the old ones….
And then it brings back a pang of nostalgia again… It makes your heart leap for a rare moment… makes your eyes wet for the joy you once felt. It brings you all the feelings…–nostalgia, melancholia… and pain. The pain of the past. –The past that was once made you happy. And when I go back to it… I never even realized I was actually happy then. I never knew it then, but I realize it now… I was happy. I’ve been happy.
I realized, those were the days. And those were the nights that really made me happy. I never even realized then how much those nights actually made me feel so… happy. And free. It wasn’t a big, one-great-happiness kind of happy… But I was just free, and that’s what made me feel happy. And that, to me, is what makes sense. It meant something to me… I never knew it then because I wasn’t really aware. I was just… oblivious, perhaps. Maybe because I was so busy being happy that I forgot to know how I really feel. How it really feels like. And those simple happiness is what I miss the most… Those happiness that I never even knew I had; the ones that I’m not even aware of. Those happiness that I didn’t notice… I miss all of it. And it’s what makes me wanna cry. I’ve lost all of it… and I can never even make one of those anymore. I can never repeat those things. Things only happen once. I thought, it was nothing. I thought it wouldn’t matter, I thought I won’t remember any of it because it was nothing special. I thought it’s not that big of a deal for me to actually pay so much attention of. I thought… I wasn’t happy.
I thought it was just one of those ordinary… dull, and banal things that usually happen and nothing more. Until I realize I was wrong.
Eight years later I never thought I’d remember it this way. It was a very sentimental moment that I’ve become very wistful when it’s not even a big deal. I can’t even understand why I can still remember it when it almost doesn’t matter. I don’t know why, but I feel like… I’ve just lost a part of me, (which is true, by the way). But it was different… this surprised me. It almost shocked me, almost feel like it slapped me on my face when I do not even know why. It shouldn’t really shock me when I surely know I’ve lost parts of me. It shouldn’t shock me, but it did. It was like, “hey I’m still here, don’t you ever forget about me”. I was glad to recall it… that I can still remember it, but it brought me pain. Pain of a past happiness. Several years ago, I had no idea that good memories will also bring you pain… Maybe even more than what you had thought the bad ones ever could. But I was young, and I was wrong. But I think, it just saddens me how happy I was back then, without even knowing I am… Without me, realizing it. It saddens me that I can never go back; it saddens me because maybe I could’ve just enjoyed it more.
Moreover, maybe I just really miss being happy that it pains me to remember how happy I was before; that I was actually happy once. And that I can’t even remember now how it feels… How it really feels like. But still wishing to feel it again. Or at least, kind of. That it hurts me how lowly I am now while I was actually happy before. Or that I’ve known happiness once but I almost forget about it. Or that I can’t believe, I still remember such happiness in times like this. Or, it shocks me to remember that I was actually that happy once, before I even get to know this pain. I don’t know. I’m just still lost.
Or… I want happiness back. I want it so badly… I wanted to be happy but I feel like I can never be that happy anymore… ever since I’ve acquainted with pain and learned the reality of life. It’s been so long… So long that I can’t almost recognize it or remember what it means. I want happiness back, but I can never go back.
I want to wrap my arms around my old self and give her a tight hug. I really miss her and I want her back. I wanted to be with her again.