September 5, 2016 • 2:10am
You’re imprisoning yourself within the walls you’ve made for your own.
In the years of hide and seek, shutting out, and aloofness… I learned one thing: I keep myself hidden in my own walls.
I realized, I was building these walls all around me to protect myself. From what? From people that might hurt me. I’m shutting myself out because I don’t wanna get hurt. I’m shutting myself out — from them, not shutting people out — from me.
I’ve built these walls around me, because I don’t wanna get hurt. But then I’ve come to ask myself, do I hurt them too, in any way, by doing that? I’m protecting myself with these high walls just so no one can come up to me and hurt me… But in the process of creating these walls… and shutting myself out, didn’t I also shut people out?
But I don’t wanna hurt them, either. So, maybe yes? I’m kind of like shutting them out, too. In a very subtle way… Possibly. I hate it when I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, or I said something bad, or hurt someone’s feelings… And always feel like I’m wrong, and then spend my nights with a mind full of unnecessary questions… and a brain filled with answers I can’t quite understand. I just hate it when I feel like I’ve always done a mistake. Done something wrong. Again. It’s just that… it doesn’t feel right and it bothers me a lot cause it doesn’t feel okay, really. It feels so bad that I can’t go on with life. Yes. That much. That I can’t even think, I can’t focus… I can’t do what I’m supposed to do… I just can’t think properly. I feel so mean. I feel so horrible and it feels terrible. I feel so damn like a
fuck. Drives me totally nuts. I mean, why the hell am I the one who’s always supposed to feel like this?– The one who’s supposed to feel this way? I mean, at this age, I already know what’s right and what’s wrong. I know what I did wrong, or what I did right. I absolutely know when and if I did something bad or terrible. If I made a mistake or done something wrong. But even when I know I haven’t done anything wrong, if someone seems to be acting like… a little different.. or bothered by me, I always tend to blame myself for unknown reason and shut myself out. I mean… I just hate it and I’m just tired of feeling that way. So. Damn. Tired.
I know how it feels like, –to get hurt by others. That’s why I don’t wanna do it to others. I don’t wanna do it to them while I don’t want it happening to myself. Simple. And just like what the old saying goes…
“Do not do unto others what you do not want others do unto you.”
I strongly believe in that, though. Regardless of the quote itself. It’s what I know: that you should never do anything bad to anyone if you don’t want them to do the same to you. The rule is simple as that.
So that when I feel like I did something wrong, that’s it. I feel like shit… for the whole time. I always feel like sorry, always feel the need to apologize, even though I know I don’t need to. But I tried to remember… and recall the very reason why I started shutting myself out,– or rather, shut people out.
The reason is also simple: I’m sick. So sick.
I’ve always been so tired. So tired of people. I mean, I tried hard enough. Always tell myself, “no, give this person a chance“.. I’m tired of people disappointing me, tired of people letting me down and fool me, betray me… and stab me. If I let them to, I think, they would’ve just killed me already. That’s why I walked away before they even start doing so. I used to be a people person. Love making new friends, introducing myself and meeting new ones… tell stories and the like. Until I’m not anymore. I’m no longer the person that I used to be. I’ve converted into this… kind of person who wants to be alone. Someone who has a very few friends; but chose the real ones, at least. Something like that. Bottom line is: I’ve learned.
And once we learn, we absorb the lesson. I guess we all do… Because with change,– comes a lesson.
I don’t trust easily. It’s hard for me to trust anyone. Really. But that’s ever since, even before. I only trust my best friends from the start. You know, it’s hard to find someone who will understand,– one who actually can. Who won’t judge and who’ll listen. Especially, someone who knows how to keep. But so much has changed. And I can’t keep up with them, and vice versa. Not quite sure if they’d still understand… or if they still know me… won’t judge me and my own little “drama“. Or whether they’d still listen or they’d still care. You know, questions like that. It sometimes hurts, actually. Asking yourself some stupid questions you know you’d never really ask if you still know them too. If only you’d still keep up with them. But I don’t know if the questioning means I doubt if I still know them; or if they still know me. Or… if I still know myself… because I don’t know any better. But somehow, at some point, I needed them, and they needed me but we’re both not there for each other.
I get so easily disappointed and that is why I don’t trust easily. (so all this time this is just all about my own trust issues) I mean, I don’t want people giving me false hopes and telling me that they won’t fail me. Which is partly true, by the way. People don’t tell me that, of course I do that to myself. The moment I start trusting someone, there’s a sense that ‘hey I trust you now, so don’t ever fail me’ that comes automatically. And that’s the thing about me. Poor thing, it’s all just about me now. It has always been about me. These issues… I mean.. I don’t know, maybe I’m just really exhausted. I just got so… really fed up. So fed up that I can’t even trust myself enough to choose whom to trust that I ended up choosing to be alone. I’m losing even the smallest hope I got that was left in me that people are still worth the little trust I have if I just give them a chance.
I got tired on hoping that certain people won’t disappoint me, but doing it anyway. On hoping again, and getting disappointed again. It’s just. So. Tiring. It drains me. I try to give more, but there’s none that’s left in me. I try to give better; to be better at trying… but people continue to let me down. And I strive harder just so I can try to give again. But the repetitions are so exhausting. That’s it. I’m empty. I can give no more.
But I guess… it’s better this way. I’m far from them… they can’t hurt me, and I can’t hurt them. We can now stop hurting each other. We’re better off this way. So I’m keeping a comfortable distance from both of us. Shutting myself out from the world… I guess it’s my way of coping… –to pain, regrets… and loss of the people I knew, and people I’ve known. From life, from everyone… From everything. From the people I once tried to blend in but didn’t work out. Because we’re like two rocks that keep on scratching each other, rubbing; grating… and every time… every time, we burn each other with fire. And if you ever wonder why I’m so distant, or why I shut myself out from the world… or why I choose to be alone, and solo… Remember that I didn’t mean to; nor I want to. It’s because of you, too.
It’s because of this. It’s because of us, we can’t blend together. It’s because of you… the world, you wounded me.
And it’s also because of me, I just couldn’t trust easily.
That is why I prefer to be this way… with no communications and no connections with anyone… at all. Because it’s much better this way, no one can hurt me; I can hurt no one. At least, we’re all fine. By shutting myself out so that no one can hurt me… In the end, I also did shut people out so that I can never hurt them. But… Fair enough, don’t you think? You choose who’s get to be with you, and I choose to live my life alone.
I never planned it, nor do it on purpose. But I’m better off alone.