September 13, 2016 • 10:03pm
In this fast pace life… you’d never know when, and where’s your small joy will really come from. Or what will bring you a sudden amusement… What will make you wonder. What would stop you on your tracks and make you think for a moment… What would make you rethink your life; something that had caught you by surprise… something that had caught you off-guard.
Something that made sense.
Or maybe you just didn’t really notice. Everything happens so fast… as if by a flash,– you almost didn’t notice every little thing that really makes sense. The things that matter. You know, we’re always looking for this drop-the-bomb kind of happiness… That one big shot, the kind that will smack you straight into your face and make your blood rise in shock. We are always waiting for the big moment. But little did we know that happiness comes from every little joys. Those little joys that we always had but didn’t notice… What I’m trying to say is, those small joys that really make sense to us,–the ones that really matter, are always right in front of us, but we’re just not paying attention. It’s always there, perhaps sometimes we are just too busy to even see. And we always tend to leave them behind; unnoticed and underrated.
But happiness comes from every little thing that brings joy to us. It’s like,– joys are the little/small party of something that (you almost never realize) matter. Joys are every little thing that makes happiness whole. They were the small particles or molecules that make ‘something’ a matter.– A matter consists of these tiny particles that makes it whole.
We thought we didn’t see it, but we did. We thought we couldn’t, but if we only look,– we can. It happens and we felt it and we’ll only realize it when it’s finally gone… because only then, we’ll feel and realize that something’s missing. And you almost never know what it is that went missing… Because you didn’t know exactly and you didn’t pay attention on what happens everyday. Until one day… it’s the same day, it’s the same sun, but then it feels… just a little bit different… and suddenly, it’s not all the same. It’s like something was gone or something was wrong. It’s just that… something goes missing. It’s as if you just lost something you didn’t know about. There’s this something important that you’re missing, something you had lost… but what sucks is when you know it’s something important; but you don’t know exactly what it is. You don’t feel whole.
A part of you was missing.
But even when you’re willing to go and find it… it sucks because you do not know; and you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you’re going to find just to feel the same again.
I mean, it was perhaps the key is to take a moment to notice and to pay attention; we really have to pay attention on what happens. Everyday. Because happiness, or epiphany, or wisdom might already come in your way, but then you were too busy paying attention on something else… that you didn’t even bother to look at it. Something else that hasn’t even arrived yet. And then latter realize that the best part of your days had come but you just shrugged it off, just because you didn’t know that it would be one of the best thing that will ever happen or you were just too busy waiting for other things that will blow your mind. Everything makes sense if you were just not too busy… thinking other things at that moment. You’ll realize wisdom and wonder is everywhere.
Because just like happiness and joys, the simplest meanings too, are everywhere… but none of us will ever have a clue.
* * * * *
So it was around 6:30 pm… or somewhere just before quarter. I was sitting on the bed, browsing on some papers and these documents I was told to find, inside my room. My four year-old cousin, who’s always at our house while his parents are at work, was playing outside… So I was sort of busy browsing through these papers and left the door open. He happened to pass by in my room on the way to the kitchen (gotta drink some water, I guess)… He stopped on my door and asked, “I thought you said you don’t like the light because you always like to be in the dark, then why do you have the lights turned on now?” I was absolutely caught off-guard. I stopped on my tracks… literally stopped what I’m doing and turned to him. I don’t know what to say; this kid just surprised me, I was stunned. I. Was. Blown. Away. If he’s an adult, I’d probably reply something like, ‘Obviously, I was searching for something and I need the light to see it.’ But then he’s a kid, and he had definitely said something that I didn’t even remember I told him. So to my surprise, I asked back instead. When he’s about to walk away… I said, “Wait, come back here..” He turned around, I asked and I was like, “Huh? How did you know, who told you that?” And he said, “It was you” and I asked, “Huh? When?” And he said, “A long ago, already”. And just. Like. That.
Wow, what? It’s unbelievable. This kid actually know I am nyctophile. No one even knows, not even my friends, for sure. Well, I guess I bet they don’t. I thought the only person that knows I love to be in the dark is me. Until someone surprised me. Someone told me he knows I don’t like the light; and the fact that it’s from a child is quite… amazing.
I didn’t really know I told him such… I really can’t remember when was that time I ever said it to him or why. I have no idea. I don’t even remember I told him something like that. Ughh..
I can’t even. But I have to remember. And so I spent the rest of my night asking myself when was it, or how and why. That I ended up writing this and making it a blog subject, instead. Well, as you can see. This kid’s been bugging me out and I keep on asking myself; keep trying to remember… that I decided maybe one time he asked me why I don’t turn the lights on and I answered: “because I like it when it’s dark”, and he remembered that. Or maybe he just noticed that my room’s always dark and I don’t really use the lights so much that he’s always scared to come in. Maybe that’s when he asked me, and then I told him and he remembered it from then on. Or yeah, maybe one of those conclusions.
It does really make sense.
The way he said it so very spontaneously… the way he answered that it was actually just me, who’d ever told him. And oh, the way he said it was a long time ago. Already. It’s been… what? Yeah, a long ago… And the fact that it’s been a long while, yet he can still remember and slapped it on my face. Jeez, makes me wonder. It made me think. It even made me stopped on my tracks. Shook the hell out of me. It even left me speechless for a moment, not knowing what to say.
I think it’s the little things… after all.
It’s really just the small things that matter to me. I guess maybe that is why I don’t feel that one big moment kind of happiness… is because I took pleasure in little happiness in those small joys. The small joys in life. It means so much to me. Those small joys that no one even see; or almost never notice. Those small joys that they seem to take for granted… those little things that they do that means a lot to me, but didn’t know it… but I do. Those little things that can also bring them joy yet they didn’t care… They don’t notice them; but I do.
Maybe I’ve just become too overwhelmed… that someone I’d never expected, knows something about me, and remembers it. It means he simply paid attention. I don’t know, but my small joys come from something like that. It comes from realization, epiphany… Wonder and wisdom… and the like. The thought that I learned a lot, not to mention –from a kid, or from the situation… it really makes me wonder… It, however, had given me a sense of meaning. It gives me satisfaction… knowing that sometimes wisdom is just around us. You don’t really have to explain it, it’s just there; and it had made you realize something. It made you learn something again and it made something inside of you comes back alive.
Because it wasn’t really just about the question or the words itself… Sometimes, it’s about the story behind it. More of like, how something’s (I know, nonsensical to others and doesn’t really make any sense and I can still try to explain it but I don’t have to) really simple, or to others, ‘petty’ can actually, rather blow your mind away and suddenly, it gives you something else. It’s that something that somewhat ‘made sense’… It gives you a slice of meaning; though sometimes hidden… it’s still there, lurking in subtleness. It’s the one thing we always seem to miss out the most.
I know I don’t have to say it, I can’t even.
But I think, it’s the one thing they won’t understand and you can’t explain, either. Or at least, unless they feel it themselves or experienced the same thing. And when it finally occurs to them, it’s the one thing that we can’t deny.
It’s the meaning.