Impossibility of Discerning Life

It’s so unfair. You have to live the life you don’t understand.


October 7, 2016 • 8:40pm


When I get to think about that word… a roll of thoughts and ideas would come up to me like, it’s some sacred gift from above. Which I think is true, by the way. Sometimes I’d think it’s that something we fight for, something we hold on to; to keep ourselves alive. Other times, it’d feel like it’s a survival for the loses… battling no matter how wounded; no matter how damaged we may seem. Or an interminable war, whether you won…the fight still goes on. But it turns out, there’s more to it than these words; than this perception. Life is unfair. Life is a Mess. Life is a chaos… and everything you thought it can never be. But no matter how much you try to define it, or give all sorts of meaning to it… There’s still something more; and something else to it. I guess, Life is still a mystery, after all. I can never figure it. Even if I ever tried to, I can never fathom this shit out.

But all in all, I think Life is some odd, strange, and heartbreaking process of moving on. Getting lost, moving on, and starting over again. A long path… lonesome, and endless process of moving on. And trying. I guess…

I figured, we spend our life trying. Trying to move on from our loses… from the things we’ve left behind, from the things that has its own end. We spend our life trying to make our self better. Trying to find yourself again and again. Trying to figure out who you are. Even trying to figure out what you want has its own share of challenge to begin with.

Sometimes it felt so pointless.

The weariness of life is boundless but then you have to deal with it like no ordinary person. You even have to be your own hero sometimes. You may complain, but it doesn’t change a thing. One day you love to live, the next day you won’t even want to breathe anymore. Life is a twisted joke. One big lie. One day it’s yours, the next day it’s gone. Turns out, it’s not actually yours, to begin with.

But such is life.

Life is some sort of a wild odyssey. You may live, you may die, you may even gone mad. But then again, you might as well try to learn.

You will lose,– and find again– your sanity. Moreover, our goal is not to win. But to try. To try and try, no matter what. You have to understand that you are not trying in vain. Trying means not giving up, and not giving up means surviving. And surviving means living. No matter how much of a casualty you think you are…you have to keep fighting. You have to live, no matter what the cost; no matter how tragic. No matter how painful…

We have to keep moving on from all the chaos that is thrown upon us. We have to; no matter what. We have to hold on, if necessary. And to let go, when it’s time for us to.

We have to move on even if it means saying goodbye to the very things that made us feel alive. To move on from the places, things…and people that meant the world to us. Move on from happiness that we once had, and gave us the meaning of life. Move on from all the things we do not want to leave; but had to. To move on from the memories that had caused us great happiness…and pain. Move on from the things that are never meant to be yours, no matter how good. No matter how bad. Because we are always going forward and we can never take those things that we touch… And feelings we bear, memories we’ve had. But most of all, we should remember that we can never make temporary people stay in our lives; and our journey.

We need to go on alone if it means our journey is meant to be traveled alone. Without all the temporariness of life itself…

We have to go on wounded, beaten up, and failed. No matter how lost, or weak or helpless. There’s no alibi in life. That’s how unfair it is, I guess. We have to live even if it feels pointless, even if we do not know why. Even if we do not understand its mechanics.

We have to move on and go on with life… Even if we carry around us the wounds that will never heal. Even if we feel lost and incomplete. Even if we have scars that will always ache, –perhaps forever. We have to keep going, no matter what we feel; or even if we do not know where. No questions, no buts.

And even after all these words… I had made up in my mind, to figure what the hell that Life is…

I still do not know what it is.

I still have no idea what truly Life is all about; and is supposed to be. Or what it really means. I’m still nothing but a victim by it…caught up by my own naiveness…my own false idea of it. Made by my own cluelessness and innocence of my mere existence. I’m still as ignorant to Life as can be. So wretched, yet so oblivious. Awfully destructed, yet still so dumb. I’d bet I’ll flow with this life while it’s passing through… And still not know a bit of it. Overly worn out by it, but still quite empty. And what frightens me is that, I’ll continue fading away; declining… without even finding a single answer as to what this life is. Remain victimized by it, and be inadequate all along… To fully wore out and vanish into the void of indifference, and ending up knowing nothing at all.

But I shall know one thing.

Life is unfair. But we have to live with it… We have to live with the fact that we must live even if we don’t understand life. We must continue living even if life doesn’t give us the reason to. We have to wake up to reality that life isn’t all about magic dust and glitters. We will wake up everyday with the bitter realization that life betrayed you because it has given you a false sense of happiness that you thought was true. You will cry, senseless. You’d even cry your heart out until nothing’s left anymore. Until life welcomes you into the whole new world of indifference… Where everything seems to be lethargic and stoic. But you’ll find yourself jaded enough to ever care about anymore. And you are certain that havoc is inevitable.

Life is still, after all, a mystery. Or so I thought. And life is unfair, is all I know. And I guess… we, having to deal with its happenstance and this, so called unfair life… is crucial. No matter how seems to be so pointless.– To not merely exist but also to live. To be able to carry on, no matter how hurt; no matter how numb we become. Because truth is, Life is not fair… and I guess, that’s just how it works. It’s just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. We have to live with it. To live a life that is never fair… And that’s because maybe, just maybe…

We are meant to live like this.

Author: The Realist in the Abyss

I feel like a freaking lunatic. Wandering around... not knowing who I am... or what I do. And I'm still trying to figure it all out, too. But perhaps I'll always be unknown to me; I'll always be that girl. The girl in the abyss.

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