The Sound of a Beating Heart

I would always remember it all– the random barks of the dog from the neighborhood; even the silent, whirling sound of the wind, the plane, the crickets… And well, I hate to say this– but yes. The sound of my beating heart.

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Oct. 19, 2016 • 1:22am

And in times of me, being alone; as I lay here on my bed, in the middle of the night. And while the sun is still deciding whether or not it’s going to come out soon, because technically it’s already dawn but then again, it’s not morning yet… But here I am and I would always remember…– Remember everything. Remember it all too well. Every little thing that had complemented my disoriented soul and utmost loneliness. I would remember the crickets chirping from the outside; The sound of the plane while penetrating through the clouds… and the stars splattered in the sky. And then the air; –my only companion. I’d remember what was there. I would always remember it all– the random barks of the dog from the neighborhood; even the silent, whirling sound of the wind, the plane, the crickets… And well, I hate to say this– but yes.

–My breathing.

Nameless and Deserted Little One

So Darling, when you take it please bury it deep within the gardens of weeds because maybe then, it’ll grow roots…Maybe then it’ll grow flower. And then you can think that it is still alive.

Jul. 12, 2018 • 6:50pm

Sometimes sadness is so enormous that you feel it everywhere; in everything you do… That it can swallow you anywhere you go. It follows you. It’s always there everywhere you go. I feel like I can no longer write anymore. Or do anything on my own. I feel like… I feel like it can get to me anytime and I can do nothing but give up. I feel like I can’t handle this anymore. It’s dragging me down… and little by little I sunk. I do not know what to do… I do not know what to do.

I realized sadness is not a place; nor it is a thing. It is a feeling. And yeah, maybe I’m the only one…– the only living human not to know about that. And I, too, am a fool. I try everything… try everything to flee. But I cannot. I just can’t. It feels so heavy… So heavy that I can barely breathe. I feel my chest tight; as if some huge rock was onto it. This… this pain is so very unrealistic. Unforgivable. I feel like I’m going to cry, but no tears would come out. One moment I wanted to scream, the next moment I want to vanish. I wanted to vanish into thin air.

And then I can’t.

But if only I can, I would.

I am exhausted. Exhausted living. Trying to know what this life is all about. Seeking… Searching meaning and answers. But not even one would show up. I am deserted. I wish… I wish I could just die without any trail. I wanted to go…. Somewhere far far away from here. I wanted to go to the stars if that is even possible. I wanted to die with them. Even though I’m not worthy. Or maybe go to the moon; ask her why she feels empty. Be at her side; try to understand her. I wanted to lay there… Just lay there. With no gravity; nor oxygen. I wanted to die there. With no one to see me, no one to be there. I wanted to be alone. To die alone. I want to let myself be.

And eventually this tired body of mine will rot, and I hope there is no worm there… For I am scared. Scared of them. Always scared of little things. Of petty little things… Even scared of myself sometimes. Of what I can, — and cannot do. See, I am crazy. Lost my sanity a long time ago… Been like this for a while now. And I hate this. I hate me. I so so hate…. Myself.

One moment I wanted to go back to sleep, the next moment wanted to scream. One moment I wanted to scream; the next moment I wanted to see the stars and go there. That’s just me… Me and my insanity. I do not know how to get hold of reality anymore and I can’t stand it.

I do not know where to start. I do not know where to go back to. There is nothing for me here… This place is not for me. I do not belong here. I am… I am… Lost. Always like this. I do not know what to do. I’m always alone but why I feel so alone? Right now. I feel like my heart is breaking into million pieces… and I can’t fix it. But I love fixing things. How the hell I wasn’t able to fix my own heart? My own soul? How do I start? What do I do? Please somebody tell me what to do. I can’t even dare pick up the broken pieces, I’m afraid I’ll bleed. I am numb, but I still bleed? But I’m not afraid of pain…. The pain is in me. I am pain. And I hate myself.

I should heal this broken heart of mine but I’m afraid I do not know how. I cannot go around wearing this. One’s heart should be whole. Not broken; not shattered. I hope I can wear mine even just a half. But how do I share mine when it’s not even whole to start with? How do I love when I, myself do not love who I am?

But I should know who I am.

And that’s the thing. That’s always the thing. I do not know who I am, nor whom I should be. I do not know.

I just don’t.

And you, if you are kind enough to tell me who I am… Then I should give my heart to you as a reward. This heart of mine should suffice as the prize, like a worthy one.– as though it isn’t shattered; as though it’s still beating. And when that time comes, I hope you’ll accept this cold heart of mine even though broken. Even though dead. I’m sorry, that’s all I have to offer… For an insane, and homeless creature like me, that’s all I’ve got. That’s all I have. And I’m giving you all of me. So Darling, when you take it please bury it deep within the gardens of weeds because maybe then, it’ll grow roots… Roots that looked like veins. And you shall water it. Water it…

Maybe then it’ll grow flower.

And then you can think that it is still alive.

Parallel Reality

It’s just that we grew up and we grew tired…

Oct. 21, 2016 • 1:55am

It was perhaps what you feel towards me is quite understandable. — Bona fide, even. The way we’ve been so distant, it seemed. And you cannot go wrong concluding that change has took over me. Change is in fact inevitable; and there’s not much to figure out as to why I turned out to be this cold.. It’s just that we grew up and we grew tired. Probably of endless falseness, insolence and torment that is always served upon us by this vast orb we call world. It’s not my fault I live in a world that loathes over a flaw such as ours. And it will take you some time, or even a long while, to fathom what had really given me this notion and perception of a life I have just depicted. Maybe even a lifetime for you to know, that you’ve been just one of those who put me through this kind of frigid isolation; and you just haven’t seen it yet.

Metamorphic Spirit

…But it’s either you break free from the mold; or live the rest of your life inside that jar.

Oct. 19, 2016 • 1:55am

Change is such a painful process of peeling away your mask and revealing your skin with some parts of it being torn away; lingered onto what has left it and leaving you broken. It is both heartbreakingly overwhelming… and extremely terrifying. But it’s either you break free from the mold or live the rest of your life inside that jar.

Inconstantly

The world will never again become the way it used to be. —To the way it has always been.

Feb. 27, 2017 9:18pm

And then when change finally wraps its arms to everything that’s there; to everything around you… The world will never again become the way it used to be. —To the way it has always been. Your life will never be the same life that you had; the one that you owned. And you will start asking yourself if it’s still your life, or whether you are still the person that you are. It will take time to realize everything all at once, when all those dire questions inevitably pours down on you. It will take time. And you’ll realize. And you will learn. But first, it will throw you into the darkest void where there is nothing but emptiness. And only then, you will understand that no one can escape the world of indifference. Not until you succumbed; and not until you let yourself have the chance to live again. Because nothing then would’ve even mattered.

–Not anymore.

Just Go…

So go… Just go.

Feb. 1, 2017 • 3:56pm

You have to find what it is that you want to do; what you love to do. Because it is the thing that will make your life worth living. It’s what will make you happy; what will set you free. It’s what will give your life a meaning and a purpose. It’s what will serve as an answer to all your questions. That’s why you have to go and find it. So just go.

Living in a Blur

I always find myself meandering between “what is” and “what was”… I have lost track of time; I do not know where to slip into.

Feb. 27, 2018 • 11:48pm

Its crazy, isn’t it?

Wow. I still can’t even get a hold of the year 2017, and yet here we are… Ending the second month of 2018. Wow. Just wow. I am speechless. I can’t even remember posting a blog dated on 2017… I have, yes maybe. But that was 1 to 3, I think? All I did was post all I wrote back in 2016… I can’t get a grip of time anymore, because all it does is elude me. Slip into my hands… Leave me. I am hopeless.

Do you even know how it feels like? To be left behind, –by time? It’s horrible. Everything’s happening around me, and yet all I feel is like being chained into the past; being trapped. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. I want to say it’s not my fault, either. But I’m afraid it is. I’m so lost and so unsure. But I am certain I was here, I was present when and while everything happens. But where am I? Where am I in all these? Those questions again… I always find myself meandering between “what is” and “what was”… I have lost track of time, — I do not know where to slip into.

I envy the people who has their own success. My friends, my acquaintances… My contemporaries. Some have graduated, some had their jobs. Married, got their own families… Some even had their children. Even if it was too soon. (At least for me) I envy them not because they already have a child; nor do I envy them because they graduated and already have their own careers and are stable now. I do want to graduate. I do want to fulfill my duty as a person who values education. But I don’t envy them with those mentioned success, or happiness… Whatever that is. Although, I do sometimes wonder how they do that. I mean, being happy and being contented with it. With what they have, or already have. Contended with the routine and their so called “Life” and what that life should be. You graduate, and then you get a job, and then later on in life.. you’re gonna get married and have your own family and then wait for yourself to get old while working yourself to the bones for your children. And then when you get old, you wait for your grandchildren to be born. And then wait for your time to die. I guess that’s life. That is the normal life. Maybe because I just don’t like the idea of, or being “normal” that’s why I wouldn’t bite to it? That’s why I couldn’t get the idea of being and doing the “norm” or how or what the norm should be like? I don’t know. I just don’t get it. But I envy them. Being contented and being happy with it. Being happy. I miss being happy. I don’t know how to do it anymore. That’s why I envy them. — because of their happiness. Oh, wait. No. I don’t envy their happiness, because in the first place, their happiness is not the same thing that will make me happy too. People are different, I guess. But I envy them simply because their life is happening.

I couldn’t figure out when, or how my life will start. But it already has started. It’s happening. It is happening now. But I couldn’t understand. It’s as if I was underneath the dark clouds; as if darkness has covered me… I couldn’t see the light. I couldn’t see anything. I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like crying, just out of unknown nostalgia. I still can’t understand myself one bit. It’s so frustrating… I don’t know how; or what I want, I don’t even know what to do either. I don’t know how to want, I don’t know what to want. I’m just so lost. Still so lost… Years have passed… And yet, that’s how it’s always been for me. I just stare into the space and wait for the wind to slap me. But there is none. All I got was just a fog. Everything is still a blur. I do not know what happened. Sometimes I’ll spend the night awake; just trying to figure out where the hell did the time go. But that was a lie. It wasn’t only “sometimes”. It was every time. It was always. It is often. I hope I can tell you, and explain to you clearly what the fuck does this blog meant. But there was nothing. Nothing I could say to you that will explain all the things that’s happening to me. But I can’t. I can’t understand it myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I wasted your time by reading this crappy shit. That’s all I can think of. That’s all I can say for now. That’s just how my mind goes. It’s all messed up. I hope next time you come around I can say something that makes sense. Something… Maybe something that will help. Something that adds up good into this world. But I’m afraid, there is none. There’s nothing. There’s nothing I can think of that will make just a little bit of sense.

I’ll just leave it like that. And wait for something. Just something... And maybe then, I can figure this shit out. But that’s what I’m like; that’s what I always feel like. Always having a lot to say… But always feeling empty at the end of the day. I don’t know how to break this spell.