Indifference and Madness

They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts.

November 28, 2016 · 10:16pm

I have this thing in mind… a very chaotic notion; perhaps some kind of oppression… that had been going on in my mind lately. Or shall I say, — every now and then. And it’d since then been aggravating me a lot, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it is; nor what to do about it. 

My thoughts are a mess. And I am a disaster. I subconsciously do things I know I wouldn’t really do on purpose. They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts. I had given up hope on everything; I couldn’t care less whatever happens. I do not care about anything. At all. I could probably go past these torment and out of such predicament without shedding a tear from the eye; without even a single cringe. I wasn’t stranger to pain, but I wasn’t numb, either. Or so I thought; because I know I shouldn’t. I am indifferent and I wasn’t supposed to be. I am human and was supposed to feel. Because if I don’t, what would be the point of being alive, then? 

But still, I could screw the world over, and shut people out without looking back and feeling a thing. Not even a guilt. I felt nothing. But… how come? I want nothing, feel nothing. I am nothing. How could I? I am dangerously empty. Hollow, even. I am the void that wraps up my very own.

Perhaps this was indifference.

Maybe I was only stoic because I am no stranger to all this; it’s not at all new to me. It couldn’t surprise me more… I’m so used to all these. –so sick and fed up. I’ve grown jaded enough already to still give a damn. These no longer bother me,– in any way. Not even a little. I can never be more affected; let alone upset. That despite all the unpredictability of life… I still know what’s going to happen in the end. It always goes down to one thing. That exact same thing.

And I still do not know… whatever was the causation of these improbable shambles of my own thoughts… Or whether it was only a state of happenstance; a chance. But knowing so would never really do, either. And knowing would be the end of me. Half the time… I was usually presented by the answers I do not want to know; the truths I do not seek. And maybe that’s the reason why I’m such a mess. I’m constantly being trapped in my very own chaotic thoughts like I always did.

But I cannot understand if this was just me, merely jaded. Or I, in the face of indifference. But I am both; the life proved me so. And it remains indefinite whether or not I just really know life well enough, and accepted that everything is passing through. That we are all just passing through… Or maybe things just stopped mattering so much. Because it turned out to be the norm, and nothing matters anymore…

And I’ve settled in my own chasm; and have forgotten how to live… Because doing so would never really make any difference. I was absolutely jaded to the point that I couldn’t even recognize my very own existence and what would I ever live for. 

There is nothing. There is nothing here for me. I merely exist… that is all; nothing more. And perhaps, saying so would give life a reason to get me back my sanity. A little mercy, maybe? But no, not really. Being obliterated was no reason to take away this existential madness. –The life might say.

Right Time

We shall meet again, some time. When the wounds are healed; and when the smiles are real. And maybe when life is a little bit of kinder, and nothing is torn…

November 15, 2016 · 11:44pm

and might I say,

“We shall meet again, some time. When the wounds are healed; and when the smiles are real. And maybe when life is a little bit of kinder, and nothing is torn… Perhaps we shall meet when the sky’s whole again.”

We shall meet, when the time is right again.

Nydel M.

A Need for Freedom

…To follow our hearts and let it be. But such is life, and that’s our tragedy. Because life can never give us the most freedom we need, either.

November 20, 2016 · 10:52pm

And then we spend most of our lives thinking we do not have much of a choice; and that we should have more. And we often do the things we do all because we have no other choice, and that we should’ve given more choices… because ‘choice‘ is what we need. –when it’s not. When it’s really not. 

We thought we do not have a choice that’s why life is unfair. But little did we know that choice is not what we even need in the first place. We don’t suffer from the lack of choices or the limitations of our options. Nor we suffer from our own poor choices. We suffer from our own perception of the world and its mechanics of having a life dependent on the choices and boundaries. We say there are no limitations; there are no boundaries. But then we believe in confinement of the given choices. And it’s our predicament to be in such a horrible deliberation of choosing the right one. I guess life is playful that way; unfair, even. But isn’t it, as a matter of fact, a very known reality to each and everyone of us to begin with? It was a given fact. And truth is, we don’t even have a choice in the very beginning. We grab and we take every opportunities; every chances that we can have because it’s hardly given to us. We only choose what’s in front of us; and what’s available. We pick from the given choices thrown upon us because there are no other options. We have to do those things because that’s what we’re supposed to; because it’s necessary. Because we need to, even if it’s not what we want. We have to do it because it’s the only way we see fit. Because we have no other choice. Because it’s what our situation demands. Because it’s what the life asks for.

Life will give us something we can call an “option” or a “choice”… when really, we are left with nothing but the mere chance of doing what’s need to be done. Pick the right one, because it’s how it’s supposed to be. In the end, we fool ourselves by constantly thinking, and believing that choice is something real. That choice is something that we all have. And choosing is something that we do; something that we used to… something we’re supposed to do. So therefore, choice is what need to have more of.

But we have no choice. We lived our lives believing we have that; we thought we had a choice, but we don’t.

Truth is, choice is not what we even need. We do not need choices any more than we need freedom.

What we need is FREEDOM. We need the freedom to choose our own paths; we need the freedom to do what we want and what we love. We need freedom to do things and make things. We need the freedom to make things happen and follow our heart. We need the freedom to dance in the air; and reach the skies. To fly up high, to run away… We should have the freedom to choose what we really want. Not to pick from the limited, constraining choices. We should be able to choose freely. To do freely. Anything and everything, as long as it makes us happy. We should be free from our own mind and our own delusional thoughts that choice is what we need. We don’t have to choose because we can do anything and everything. Why don’t we do that? To be free from everything that’s been tethering us and restraining us from doing what we really wanna do. To follow our hearts and let it be.

But such is life; and that’s our tragedy.

We ravage ourselves so much into thinking we fix up our lives by deciding what is right for us to choose… and pondering it based on the capacity of our own resort, and chosen option. Until we realize there’s a prick of emptiness within us that we hadn’t even notice was there all along. Something that we thought we didn’t feel at all. That feeling we’ve been trying to bury into oblivion all these years. Just so it won’t bother us, and we could be fine again. We thought it will; but it didn’t. We can no longer continue being oblivious because we can’t contain it anymore; we can’t hold it any longer. And we inwardly scream for freedom. We need this freedom of doing what we want and following our hearts. 

Freedom is what we truly need and not a single Choice. We need not any more choice; we need Freedom to do it all. To go beyond the limits and past our boundaries. We should be free to do it all. And it’s really just a shame we don’t realize that. We’re stuck into thinking we have no choice and that we need to have more. And that’s the tragedy of life. 

Because life can never give us the very freedom we need, either.

In Search of What to Pick

But we don’t really have a choice. What we do is just pick what we have to. And yet here we are, still complaining about how we never have given any more choice.

November 17, 2016 • 8:17pm

And then we spend our lives holding onto the idea that we really do have a choice…

For me though, having a “choice” is not exactly what we have. But we do get a chance sometimes to choose, and pick what we necessarily have to. And not all of us really get a glimpse of that chance. Not all of us were lucky; but the word lucky wouldn’t even be enough… it’d become an understatement, so to speak. Not all of us gets fortunate enough to get to pick from a choice available for us. But as a matter of fact, —we don’t really have a choice. If we admit it truthfully. And having choices ain’t the thing we really need, either. We don’t need a choice; we shouldn’t have the choices. In fact, it’s not even given. We should have the Freedom. We should have the freedom to choose what we really want and what we think is best for us. Not a chance to pick from a limited and only given choices; to pick what we necessarily have to. We should have the freedom to do, and go beyond the safety boundaries of our choices. We should have the freedom to do anything even beyond what’s possible. Better yet, we should have the freedom –the possibility–of doing what’s impossible. To go beyond the walls, and far beyond the barriers of having a several choices. We are being stuck upon the limitations of what we can choose rather than what we can do and we can reach. We don’t even have the right to pick what we really want; we often choose what’s in front of us because of the lack of availability of those choices. We choose what is there; we pick the choices that is served before us. We choose from those given choices. We only pick a choice because it’s what we need to do even if it’s not the thing our heart wants in the first place. 

Most of the time, I’d think we’re only forced to go with these choices because we ironically don’t really have a choice to begin with. Forced to do the picking just because it’s what we really have to do. We often do what we need to rather than what we really want. In the end, we continue flowing with the current, giving in to life itself… and our own little idea of “obligation” disguised as a “choice“. We’re always obliged to do what we have to. To choose what we’re supposed to. Even obliged to feel this way, or that way, sometimes because it’s what we think is right. We are saddled upon these choices and obliged to do certain things. Even against our own will, sometimes. To go this way, even if what we really want is to go on the other path. We are forced to choose from all the necessary, limited choices because it’s what we have to choose, or better yet, –what we need to pick. All we do is pick. Yet here we are… thinking we can really choose. That we really do have a choice. We are picking, and we are obliged to feel contented with it. Because all along we thought it’s our own choice, we thought we are choosing. When the fact is sometimes, we’re really just caged upon the necessities of life. Locked up inside our own confinement within the lie of a choice; and the pretense of the word itself. We don’t really have a choice, but having a “choice” ain’t the thing that we really need, either. We should have the freedom; not a choice.

We should’ve given the Freedom. And it’s what we should get when it’s there.

Choice is an illusion. What we do is an obligation. Our obligation to life,– and that is,– not to go against it. No matter how foul it already seems. And so we continue flowing with it… agreeing to its pretense that yes,–we do really have a choice. Surrendering to its lie that everything’s gonna be okay… Giving in to its promise of tomorrow. Even if all it does is hold us in our neck, had our backs against the wall. Blinded by all of its pretensions… we mean to agree to everything that it makes. All we do is take, and accept. Everything. Because what else can we do?

Nothing. There’s nothing we can do because we have no choice.

Impossibility of Discerning Life

It’s so unfair. You have to live the life you don’t understand.

October 7, 2016 • 8:40pm

Life

When I get to think about that word… a roll of thoughts and ideas would come up to me like, it’s some sacred gift from above. Which I think is true, by the way. Sometimes I’d think it’s that something we fight for, something we hold on to; to keep ourselves alive. Other times, it’d feel like it’s a survival for the loses… battling no matter how wounded; no matter how damaged we may seem. Or an interminable war, whether you won…the fight still goes on. But it turns out, there’s more to it than these words; than this perception. Life is unfair. Life is a Mess. Life is a chaos… and everything you thought it can never be. But no matter how much you try to define it, or give all sorts of meaning to it… There’s still something more; and something else to it. I guess, Life is still a mystery, after all. I can never figure it. Even if I ever tried to, I can never fathom this shit out.

But all in all, I think Life is some odd, strange, and heartbreaking process of moving on. Getting lost, moving on, and starting over again. A long path… lonesome, and endless process of moving on. And trying. I guess…

I figured, we spend our life trying. Trying to move on from our loses… from the things we’ve left behind, from the things that has its own end. We spend our life trying to make our self better. Trying to find yourself again and again. Trying to figure out who you are. Even trying to figure out what you want has its own share of challenge to begin with.

Sometimes it felt so pointless.

The weariness of life is boundless but then you have to deal with it like no ordinary person. You even have to be your own hero sometimes. You may complain, but it doesn’t change a thing. One day you love to live, the next day you won’t even want to breathe anymore. Life is a twisted joke. One big lie. One day it’s yours, the next day it’s gone. Turns out, it’s not actually yours, to begin with.

But such is life.

Life is some sort of a wild odyssey. You may live, you may die, you may even gone mad. But then again, you might as well try to learn.

You will lose,– and find again– your sanity. Moreover, our goal is not to win. But to try. To try and try, no matter what. You have to understand that you are not trying in vain. Trying means not giving up, and not giving up means surviving. And surviving means living. No matter how much of a casualty you think you are…you have to keep fighting. You have to live, no matter what the cost; no matter how tragic. No matter how painful…

We have to keep moving on from all the chaos that is thrown upon us. We have to; no matter what. We have to hold on, if necessary. And to let go, when it’s time for us to.

We have to move on even if it means saying goodbye to the very things that made us feel alive. To move on from the places, things…and people that meant the world to us. Move on from happiness that we once had, and gave us the meaning of life. Move on from all the things we do not want to leave; but had to. To move on from the memories that had caused us great happiness…and pain. Move on from the things that are never meant to be yours, no matter how good. No matter how bad. Because we are always going forward and we can never take those things that we touch… And feelings we bear, memories we’ve had. But most of all, we should remember that we can never make temporary people stay in our lives; and our journey.

We need to go on alone if it means our journey is meant to be traveled alone. Without all the temporariness of life itself…

We have to go on wounded, beaten up, and failed. No matter how lost, or weak or helpless. There’s no alibi in life. That’s how unfair it is, I guess. We have to live even if it feels pointless, even if we do not know why. Even if we do not understand its mechanics.

We have to move on and go on with life… Even if we carry around us the wounds that will never heal. Even if we feel lost and incomplete. Even if we have scars that will always ache, –perhaps forever. We have to keep going, no matter what we feel; or even if we do not know where. No questions, no buts.

And even after all these words… I had made up in my mind, to figure what the hell that Life is…

I still do not know what it is.

I still have no idea what truly Life is all about; and is supposed to be. Or what it really means. I’m still nothing but a victim by it…caught up by my own naiveness…my own false idea of it. Made by my own cluelessness and innocence of my mere existence. I’m still as ignorant to Life as can be. So wretched, yet so oblivious. Awfully destructed, yet still so dumb. I’d bet I’ll flow with this life while it’s passing through… And still not know a bit of it. Overly worn out by it, but still quite empty. And what frightens me is that, I’ll continue fading away; declining… without even finding a single answer as to what this life is. Remain victimized by it, and be inadequate all along… To fully wore out and vanish into the void of indifference, and ending up knowing nothing at all.

But I shall know one thing.

Life is unfair. But we have to live with it… We have to live with the fact that we must live even if we don’t understand life. We must continue living even if life doesn’t give us the reason to. We have to wake up to reality that life isn’t all about magic dust and glitters. We will wake up everyday with the bitter realization that life betrayed you because it has given you a false sense of happiness that you thought was true. You will cry, senseless. You’d even cry your heart out until nothing’s left anymore. Until life welcomes you into the whole new world of indifference… Where everything seems to be lethargic and stoic. But you’ll find yourself jaded enough to ever care about anymore. And you are certain that havoc is inevitable.

Life is still, after all, a mystery. Or so I thought. And life is unfair, is all I know. And I guess… we, having to deal with its happenstance and this, so called unfair life… is crucial. No matter how seems to be so pointless.– To not merely exist but also to live. To be able to carry on, no matter how hurt; no matter how numb we become. Because truth is, Life is not fair… and I guess, that’s just how it works. It’s just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. We have to live with it. To live a life that is never fair… And that’s because maybe, just maybe…

We are meant to live like this.

The Sound of Silence

Amidst this noisy world… Nothing can beat the sound of nothing.

September 26, 2016 • 3:57am

And I chose to be alone that time… because I feel like I can’t cope with the world anymore.. — to people, places… and situations. I can’t do it anymore that I always feel like going away; going somewhere far from here. Perhaps escape. But I don’t feel like “escaping” would be the right word for it. I want to leave. I just want to leave PERIOD. I always tend to shut myself out but that’s because I want it to be that way. The world I am in has creating too much clamor and I have to keep quiet and go seek some place that’d be utterly silent. So I disconnect. Often. I need to disconnect myself from the world every once in a while…(or more preferably,-often) I need to think… I need to keep silent, I need to distance– and give myself some space. I need to be far away. I need to breathe. I need to do all these things alone.

And every time,–just every time I do this quietude and solitude thing… I always seem to like it. In fact,– I loved it. That I cultivated in it… I became so used to it that I loved it; that I’ve been too attached and tied up on it, and it just feels so right. The satisfaction… the freedom…–that, I wanted more. I cling to it, deeply. I wanted more of it, I want it so bad. I wanted more of the freedom that I feel whenever I’m alone… the freedom that I get when I’m far away from the world. –Or at least, that’s how it used to feel like,–for me. Far away from everyone; from everything…–from everything else. There’s always a sense that, ‘This is what I want’.This is it. I’m going to want more’. I’ve gone wanting to have more of that time I had felt free… That reentering the real world, and facing my real life became so damn hard. It became so hard that it started to feel so new… and foreign. So hard that it started to feel scary. It started to frighten me because I’m no longer used to it; not anymore… That I began to feel anxious about the real world. Anxious about my real life; even afraid of it, sometimes. I always feel like having panic attacks talking to people or just going outside and facing the real world…seeing the sun, and exposing from the light… that I tend to shut myself out away from them; from all of it as a reflex.

It’s as if… it’s as if the skin I was touching wasn’t even my own skin to begin with.. Like the way the life I am living wasn’t even mine as well. I’m afraid to leave the world I had created. To step outside the boundaries I’ve built… To go beyond the lines… Stepping outside is like losing all the sense of freedom of just being with me, and only me. Without mistakes; without judgements… Just me being with me, and me, being ‘me’. The version I don’t have to put on a show. Just me and my own thoughts. Alone. Besides, there’s no difference when I’m with them,–that’s how I feel; that’s what I am.

It’s safe to say that I was indeed addicted to silence. The silence itself; the silence of my own. Me, being quiet, and minding my own life in one corner. It was okay, I don’t have to pretend; I don’t have to give a damn. Selfish as it may sound, but it’s the only way I see fit. –To save save myself, to keep my own sanity. I’m addicted to it; I wanted silence because it brings me peace, and freedom. There’s a sense of peace in quietude… and isolation. The kind that gives you freedom to entertain only your own troubled thoughts… To think of your own messy life. Instead of thinking about what will they think of you. It’s good to feel that way; to feel that expectations were lifted from you. You only have to expect for yourself. You are free, somehow. There’s a peace, somehow, knowing that you only have to think for yourself; to fill only your own expectations… No matter how messy the life can be, there’s a peace in being quiet, keeping silent and being alone. No one wants to hear all the harsh noises… and the unforgiving earsplitting sound of the world while you also have that millions of noise inside your head. Those freaking thoughts in your mind… the weariness in your heart and all that. Hell, you won’t ever need it anymore. What we need is peace of mind sometimes. No, scratch that. We need the peace of mind often. And I, however, only find it in being alone. I find it in silence… of everything. You can pretend that everything is peaceful for a while…for as long as you want it to be;  it was a good kind of emptiness…

It’s like going away; leaving. It’s the real escapist. The best one, perhaps.

Just a Little Sense

It’s the one thing they won’t understand… And you can’t seem to explain it yourself, either. But it’s just there; lurking in subtleness.

September 13, 2016 • 10:03pm

In this fast pace life… you’d never know when, and where’s your small joy will really come from. Or what will bring you a sudden amusement… What will make you wonder. What would stop you on your tracks and make you think for a moment… What would make you rethink your life; something that had caught you by surprise… something that had caught you off-guard.

Something that made sense.

Or maybe you just didn’t really notice. Everything happens so fast… as if by a flash,– you almost didn’t notice every little thing that really makes sense. The things that matter. You know, we’re always looking for this drop-the-bomb kind of happiness… That one big shot, the kind that will smack you straight into your face and make your blood rise in shock. We are always waiting for the big moment. But little did we know that happiness comes from every little joys. Those little joys that we always had but didn’t notice… What I’m trying to say is, those small joys that really make sense to us,–the ones that really matter, are always right in front of us, but we’re just not paying attention. It’s always there, perhaps sometimes we are just too busy to even see. And we always tend to leave them behind; unnoticed and underrated.

But happiness comes from every little thing that brings joy to us. It’s like,– joys are the little/small party of something that (you almost never realize) matter. Joys are every little thing that makes happiness whole. They were the small particles or molecules that make ‘something’ a matter.– A matter consists of these tiny particles that makes it whole.

We thought we didn’t see it, but we did. We thought we couldn’t, but if we only look,– we can. It happens and we felt it and we’ll only realize it when it’s finally gone… because only then, we’ll feel and realize that something’s missing. And you almost never know what it is that went missing… Because you didn’t know exactly and you didn’t pay attention on what happens everyday. Until one day… it’s the same day, it’s the same sun, but then it feels… just a little bit different… and suddenly, it’s not all the same. It’s like something was gone or something was wrong. It’s just that… something goes missing. It’s as if you just lost something you didn’t know about. There’s this something important that you’re missing, something you had lost… but what sucks is when you know it’s something important; but you don’t know exactly what it is. You don’t feel whole.

A part of you was missing.

But even when you’re willing to go and find it… it sucks because you do not know; and you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you’re going to find just to feel the same again.

I mean, it was perhaps the key is to take a moment to notice and to pay attention; we really have to pay attention on what happens. Everyday. Because happiness, or epiphany, or wisdom might already come in your way, but then you were too busy paying attention on something else… that you didn’t even bother to look at it. Something else that hasn’t even arrived yet. And then latter realize that the best part of your days had come but you just shrugged it off, just because you didn’t know that it would be one of the best thing that will ever happen or you were just too busy waiting for other things that will blow your mind. Everything makes sense if you were just not too busy… thinking other things at that moment. You’ll realize wisdom and wonder is everywhere.

Because just like happiness and joys, the simplest meanings too, are everywhere… but none of us will ever have a clue.

* * * * *
So it was around 6:30 pm… or somewhere just before quarter. I was sitting on the bed, browsing on some papers and these documents I was told to find, inside my room. My four year-old cousin, who’s always at our house while his parents are at work, was playing outside… So I was sort of busy browsing through these papers and left the door open. He happened to pass by in my room on the way to the kitchen (gotta drink some water, I guess)… He stopped on my door and asked, “I thought you said you don’t like the light because you always like to be in the dark, then why do you have the lights turned on now?” I was absolutely caught off-guard. I stopped on my tracks… literally stopped what I’m doing and turned to him. I don’t know what to say; this kid just surprised me, I was stunned. I. Was. Blown. Away. If he’s an adult, I’d probably reply something like, ‘Obviously, I was searching for something and I need the light to see it.’ But then he’s a kid, and he had definitely said something that I didn’t even remember I told him. So to my surprise, I asked back instead. When he’s about to walk away… I said, “Wait, come back here..” He turned around, I asked and I was like, “Huh? How did you know, who told you that?” And he said, “It was you” and I asked, “Huh? When?” And he said, “A long ago, already”. And just. Like. That.

Wow, what? It’s unbelievable. This kid actually know I am nyctophile. No one even knows, not even my friends, for sure. Well, I guess I bet they don’t. I thought the only person that knows I love to be in the dark is me. Until someone surprised me. Someone told me he knows I don’t like the light; and the fact that it’s from a child is quite… amazing.

I didn’t really know I told him such… I really can’t remember when was that time I ever said it to him or why. I have no idea. I don’t even remember I told him something like that. Ughh.. I can’t even. But I have to remember. And so I spent the rest of my night asking myself when was it, or how and why. That I ended up writing this and making it a blog subject, instead. Well, as you can see. This kid’s been bugging me out and I keep on asking myself; keep trying to remember… that I decided maybe one time he asked me why I don’t turn the lights on and I answered: “because I like it when it’s dark”, and he remembered that. Or maybe he just noticed that my room’s always dark and I don’t really use the lights so much that he’s always scared to come in. Maybe that’s when he asked me, and then I told him and he remembered it from then on. Or yeah, maybe one of those conclusions.

It does really make sense.

The way he said it so very spontaneously… the way he answered that it was actually just me, who’d ever told him. And oh, the way he said it was a long time ago. Already. It’s been… what? Yeah, a long ago… And the fact that it’s been a long while, yet he can still remember and slapped it on my face. Jeez, makes me wonder. It made me think. It even made me stopped on my tracks. Shook the hell out of me. It even left me speechless for a moment, not knowing what to say.

I think it’s the little things… after all.

It’s really just the small things that matter to me. I guess maybe that is why I don’t feel that one big moment kind of happiness… is because I took pleasure in little happiness in those small joys. The small joys in life. It means so much to me. Those small joys that no one even see; or almost never notice. Those small joys that they seem to take for granted… those little things that they do that means a lot to me, but didn’t know it… but I do. Those little things that can also bring them joy yet they didn’t care… They don’t notice them; but I do.

Maybe I’ve just become too overwhelmed… that someone I’d never expected, knows something about me, and remembers it. It means he simply paid attention. I don’t know, but my small joys come from something like that. It comes from realization, epiphany… Wonder and wisdom… and the like. The thought that I learned a lot, not to mention –from a kid, or from the situation… it really makes me wonder… It, however, had given me a sense of meaning. It gives me satisfaction… knowing that sometimes wisdom is just around us. You don’t really have to explain it, it’s just there; and it had made you realize something. It made you learn something again and it made something inside of you comes back alive.

Because it wasn’t really just about the question or the words itself… Sometimes, it’s about the story behind it. More of like, how something’s (I know, nonsensical to others and doesn’t really make any sense and I can still try to explain it but I don’t have to) really simple, or to others, ‘petty’ can actually, rather blow your mind away and suddenly, it gives you something else. It’s that something that somewhat ‘made sense’… It gives you a slice of meaning; though sometimes hidden… it’s still there, lurking in subtleness. It’s the one thing we always seem to miss out the most.

I know I don’t have to say it, I can’t even.

But I think, it’s the one thing they won’t understand and you can’t explain, either. Or at least, unless they feel it themselves or experienced the same thing. And when it finally occurs to them, it’s the one thing that we can’t deny.

It’s the meaning.