Sinking Deep

Abyssal thoughts… Abstracted mind.

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June 3, 2016 • 11:50 pm

My thoughts are so distant. 

It’s so odd, so strange, and so peculiar… It’s taking me to places… — a space of nowhere. Into this unknown abyss. It’s doing me no good. It’s dragging me off the shore and pulling me down the deepest chasm. A place of the unknown. I am drifting away… Slowly sinking inside the huge gaping void; a gulf of solitude. It’s taking me in places I can’t be found; where I am so alone. A place where no one can reach me nor understand me… let alone why I’m here. These thoughts are locking me up into the isolation; and the solitary zone of emptiness… a world not my own. But the world I can own. A place I never knew existed; a place that hides inside me, a place where I came from. A place where I lost myself and still the place where I can find myself subsisting again. It was the flashback of who I used to be.

A place in me. A place for me.

A place that’s dark. So dark, I can’t see a part of me… a place for my sad, sad soul. A place where the chaos is coming from… and where serenity lies. The unfamiliar vast space that’s becoming a home. A home where I belong; a home I tried to run away from. A bastille where I’ve been locked up for aeon and the nirvana where I can find myself free. It’s the paradox of where my fear lurks and where all my dream lies… A place of the unknown where I know who I am and I can be; and where I become unknowable to others.

A place so fictitious…

A blank canvas. A place where I have the will to make it real. A land of my troubled disposition; and a cryptic mind. A house of my discontented soul, but a home for the coldest truth. There await the lies and the logic. The betrayal and the verity, the genuine and visionary. The place where I found nothing… and where I am nothing. The house for my nothingness. The space and the capacity of delusions and imagination. The place of reality, of my abstracted mind and subtle sanity.

A vacant space. An empty cosmos.

The home of my loathsome past and lamented heart. A wracked plans and obstructed aspirations. A place where I found my hope wasting away; rusting. The place where my declining life and broken dreams were buried long ago. A hollow; yet empty reservoir…

A memoir of my existence.

A vast hollowing mess… The abyss where I lost myself and the only place where I can be found.

A place so hideous yet the place where I’ve also found possibilities. A place so unknown, and yet the place where I can find the purpose and the deepest meaning. A place for chances, and peace… and hope. A place of ending and starting over again; a place for a great quest. A place of destruction and standing up and moving on… The journey of hurting, suffering, and learning. A place of hoping, and living, and surviving. A place for making things happen again. A place of changes and imperfections.

A place of realization.

A darkest space where I find the girl on the abyss.

A place so ugly, but remains the place where I’ve found myself free.

Jones of Wanting and Learning

We can’t really stop wanting not because it’s what we only live for; but because it’s what gives us hope, sometimes. We can’t make ourselves stop growing.

May 31, 2016  •  11:11pm

Maybe life is easy. 

Maybe we are the ones who always tend to complicate things; everything. We try to find meaning for these things; we make words for every single thing. We seek reasons for every act. Make theories for every matter. We want to discover things; we want to know this, and know that. We want to go there and see these things we want. We name every little things, so that we know what to call them. We want to do this; we want to do that. We want to learn, we want to make things… We want to make things happen.

We want and we want… and then we want even more. Maybe we want too much that we forget who we are, what we have, and what we really are? We do all these things, and we leave every bits of piece of us in each and everything that we put through… and then when it all pass by, they take those little parts of us until we eventually feel empty. And here we are, worrying about how we can find those parts of us that we’ve lost in the process. And then it becomes time for us to find what we’ve lost; to find who we are… To find what it is that we’ve lost.

To find ourselves again.

We walk and walk through this journey of knowing everything. Everything that can be learned. Everything that can be reached; everything and anything that we can possibly imagine… And it is only in the end that we think for ourselves. It’s still on the last part where we realize we should find ourselves, too. — it’s always been at the end, that we realize the subtle mistakes that were unbeknownst to us at first. But shouldn’t we find ourselves first before trying to find anyone or anything else? Shouldn’t we put ourselves first before we put other things up? Cannot we complete others if we’re not even whole yet? If we, ourselves are still incomplete?

Maybe we want too much that we forget what we have in our hands; what we already have. Maybe we keep on looking in front of us and we keep on wondering what’s on the other side, and we badly want to go there. We keep on looking forward; keep on wanting those things ahead of us… The light in front of us on the other side is almost blinding us. We didn’t notice we spend most of our time just looking forward. We completely forget to appreciate where we are; who we are with, and what we have right now. We tend to forget things so easily; almost instantly, when we should really seize them.

We forget what we should remember and remember what we should forget.

Maybe we should stop wanting?

Maybe we should stop wanting because it’s the roots of our loss and suffering.

We should stop wanting but we can’t.

I guess we can’t stop wanting because it’s what makes us who we are. Wanting. It helps us figure things out; it helps us find the answers. It makes us feel alive, it makes us realize our existence… It gives us hope; it makes us happy. It makes us feel we’re human.

To stop wanting is to stop suffering. But to stop suffering means dying. To stop wanting means the same thing.

To stop wanting means the end.

So what shall we do then, to suffer,– or to die? Maybe we can always endure suffering. Maybe we can, because that’s how we learn. And learning is what makes the suffering worthwhile. To suffer while learning, than to die without knowing anything at all. Because we can’t afford to die without even learning anything.

We lose ourselves in the process of wanting certain things; most of the time, it frustrates the hell out of us. We lose ourselves. Maybe that’s the point. — we lose ourselves, so we eventually learn how to find ourselves again. We suffer, so we can learn to heal our own wounds; and bounce back to normal, even when the scar it had left us would still remain. It breaks us, so we can learn how to fix ourselves… how to be resilient, and how to deal with pain. Things around us are fickle so we can learn to adapt to change. The most unpleasant things happen to us so we’ll know all about imperfections.

Because life isn’t perfect. We ain’t perfect. But the point of life is learning that imperfection is part of us; and we learn to live with those imperfections, at least, eventually. — or inevitably. Because it’s what makes us what we are; and it’s what make life what it is. Imperfection is what completes us; it’s what makes us whole.

So we continue to live the life full of wanting, hurting… and suffering. Losing… and finally,– Learning. It’s what we choose to. In the end, it’s always what we choose to. — even absentmindedly… Because despite of all the torments we get of having the desire to want… we can’t give up wanting because that’s how we live; it’s what we hold on to. It’s what makes us look forward to the better future. — wanting to achieve your goals, wanting to make your wish happen; and wanting your dreams to come true. Wanting for better days to come, and wanting to hope for more. No matter how much that desire may hurt us… no matter what the cost, we can’t just give up wanting. Because that’s how we live. We suffer, and then we learn… so that we can hope, and live again.

So I guess, we can’t really stop wanting because we won’t stop learning and we can’t give up living.

Destitute Phantom

We are the bunches of feelings we hide away… Destitute Phantom we are, we forget we are Humans.

May 30, 2016  •  11:36pm

We’re not invisible. People can see us but they don’t notice us.

Perhaps we’re just a soul walking down the streets? Yes, maybe a group of souls running around the earth. Or maybe… We’re all just a bunches of feelings and emotions? That they just don’t wanna feel us so they tend to dismiss us before we even get a chance to speak.. And they keep doing things… keeping their minds busy so that they could forget about us? They distract themselves to avoid us… They shoo us every time we try to go near them. They don’t wanna see us or feel us…or know us. They want to keep us away from them, they don’t even want to give us a chance to introduce ourselves… Or hear us. They don’t want to hear us knocking on their doors. They want us out of their sights. They escape from us. They walk away…and ignore us. They run away from us when we’re trying to say something…they pretend we’re not here. They want us to go far, far away from them. They want to keep us off their way. They want us gone.

They don’t want us. They don’t want us appearing on their lives. They hate us.

People are cruel. They dismiss every bits of part of us. They’ll walk away when all we wanted was to be heard. They’ll reject us when all we wanted was someone who’ll understand. They’ll elude us when all we wanted was someone to talk to. They’ll leave us when we desperately needed them.

It’s so exhausting. You keep on trying and then people keep on letting you down. We’re trying to be open so that we can share a part of us. And when we’re being open they tend to neglect us and then eventually wonder why we keep ourselves shut up closed.

We are not invisible to each other. People can see us. They just pretend they don’t notice us.

But we’re just like a soul, a feeling and emotion we kept hidden. They’re invisible but we’re not. But people are hiding from each other; afraid of showing up; not wanting to be seen, pretending not to care. Why are these people rejecting each other when they know exactly how to feel the very same thing? We are hiding like crazy that we find ourselves hiding from our own, too.

“Why do people reject me? Why do they always neglect me? Why don’t they understand me?” And then I asked myself the same question.

I can’t demand to ask things from others while I don’t even have it in me. No, I don’t have the right to.

Why am I running away from myself? Why am I dismissing a thought whenever it’s about to get started? Why am I hiding my feelings from me? Why am I refusing to hear myself? Why am I avoiding the thoughts that my mind constantly reminds me?

Because I’m afraid. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of facing the truth; afraid of admitting I’m wrong, afraid of getting broken; afraid of everything. Everything that might go wrong. Everything that might destroy me. Again.

I realized, I can’t ask people the questions I still have no answers for myself; while it remains a mere question for me that I’m trying to find an answer to.

I realized… I was this soul, and this feelings, and this emotions I was actually talking about… I am what I do to me. I am what I keep inside me, I am what I hide away. I was making myself invisible to me, when I know every bit of the truth. When I can hear everything my mind says. And I can see myself doing nasty things to me, I can feel every bit of what I feel; everything that comes from my senses… I can see me, I can feel me. But for some inexplicable reason, I’m trying to hide away from me. I always find myself running away from me. I always want to escape. I am one of those people I say.

I was this girl, who notices everything of what people do… and constantly trying to avoid hers. Someone who doesn’t want to talk about it, and avoids bringing it up. Someone who dismiss and disregard her sentiments. I was this cruel girl who hates herself so much that she doesn’t want to hear herself talk about her feelings. 

Because I am these feelings I have no courage to face; the thoughts I do not understand. And the truth I cannot deal with. I am the emotion I’m always trying to dismiss and always wanna hide.

I was this destitute phantom… wandering around, needing something from others; when I don’t even have it from myself.

In Denial By Means

And we are all in denial. But it wasn’t a choice, it’s a necessary preference.

But… No. I’m fine 😉

May 17, 2016

We are all in denial in a lot of ways; in so many levels, to the point that we would never admit it when we’re truly hurting. We’d rather be seen as strong and tough not because we’re cocky or something… But because at some point, it was easier to pretend you’re strong than it is to admit that you’re actually not, and that you’re likely to break into pieces at any moment..

Is it because of Pride

Perhaps. But for me, though– I’d rather say it’s not. For someone who had borne so much; for someone who’ve been hurt so much.. For someone like me, who had been in pain so much. I’d say having just ‘Pride’ — a reason for denying that you’re hurting must be too shallow.

There’s even a lot of reasons for it… e.g. fear. Yes, fear. I seldom say that word because…well, I still don’t know why. But maybe because I just don’t wanna talk about it… Maybe because it’s a sore part for everybody? — Or at least, for me. I still don’t know. But here it is,– fear of getting judged by others; fear of letting them know you inside, fear of letting people get involved in your troubles… and your own private life. Fear of letting them, or anyone in.

Or maybe… simply because you know it very well that they won’t understand it anyway. Or you’re afraid to tell them and realize that they don’t really care. Because you know exactly how it feels like to be rejected, and that your feelings would be, or might become underrated at some point…

Or maybe there’s no one to talk to. 

It’s hard enough to have that heavy load of feelings on your chest, and you’ll look around…and then look for someone to share it to; only to find out that… there’s  nobody. Nobody there for you; and that you’re all alone and it kills you.

Or maybe…it’s just hard. HARD AF. I mean, how do you suppose to tell your feelings to begin with? I mean, dude, it’s a “feeling” and is supposed to be felt; they’re intangible. Sometimes it hurts to open up yourself to someone. Most of the time, it hurts that you can’t find any word to frame your current feelings, or situation… Let alone what’s going on inside you. It’s easy to cry, and we all know that. But who wants to be seen crying? So… I guess it’s easier to pretend you’re okay. (tho, not really)

Sometimes when you’re finally ready to open up to someone, they’re not paying attention — or simply didn’t care at all and it hurts even more. You thought they were there, you thought they’d understand. But they don’t. It hurts so much because you know you needed help; you need them, but it seems that they’re not interested and you don’t want to burden them with your loads of trouble either. It was hard enough to explain to yourself why you’re feeling that way, especially when you don’t really have an answer…– How much more trying to explain it to other people?

So, in the end… you probably just sit there, not saying anything. But you’re dying inside, breaking… and falling apart. It’s hard you know, — losing your mind, losing yourself… Back then, whenever I hear people saying they want to find themselves…. I was always like, “lol, what are these people? crazy? Hello? How do you lose yourself, is it even possible?” But at nineteen… I know. I know now. Nothing’s impossible. I was just too childish to realize before; immature enough to even understand what life truly meant. I realized, I actually don’t even understand life one bit. Until I find myself on the verge of insanity… I was getting torn between my sanity and losing it. I was losing my mind.. I was losing people.. I was losing my life. And I just wanna be gone

It’s extremely difficult to talk about it without getting yourself burst into flood of tears… It’s like, you hid it well and kept it so long just so no one could ever see it, no one would really know about it… You built these high walls, a great big walls — just to prevent people from breaking in; to keep anyone from jumping inside and invading your privacy. To avoid a single crack get into it… You build it to restrict your feelings, to hold down of yourself. Not to let the floodgates burst open.

It’s hard to make people understand. Especially when you don’t even understand it yourself. It’s hard to say a word. It’s hard to make up a word for it. It’s hard when you badly needed someone, and see that you’re all alone because there’s nobody. It’s hard to keep those feelings up all to yourself because it’s — at some point, fatal and it’s killing you. It’s hard when you desperately wanted to cry, but you can’t. It’s hard to pretend you’re okay but it’s the only way we have. And it wasn’t a choice; but it seems to be the only option that was left for us… denying everything. It’s hard to stay when you badly wanted to go away, but you cannot leave…

When you come to think of it, there’s no easy thing at all. Everything comes at a price. Everything you do, everything you choose,– there’s always gonna be a result for what you’ve done. A consequence, a price. We don’t always have a choice. We don’t always get to choose what we want; especially when it wasn’t even among the given choices that was ahead of us in the first place. Sometimes, we are left alone to choose the only option that was left for us. We don’t really have a choice. Not always. Most of the time… we just have to persist, that’s why we do things even if we don’t want to, even if it hurts us.

Endure what hurts, thank what’s not.

But we are all in denial. And always will be. We can’t talk about it, we don’t want to talk about it. Forget that it hurts, bury it deep inside yourself.– Because it’ll always gonna be hard to talk about what hurts us, to talk about our fears, to talk about our pain… But keeping it inside, and letting it kill you ain’t an easy thing either. But you choose what you think is for the better; what you think is right, what you think is just appropriate. And you think that it was just right to keep it all inside than share it with them; and watch them suffer for what’s supposed to be just your own burden. But it’s hard to put a smile when your tears were brimming on the brink of your eyes… and I know that your chest is about to explode at any given moment, but just breathe..breathe.

Saying a thing ain’t at all easy. But pretending to be just fine ain’t an easy thing, either. But pretending seems to be the best option for that matter.

So… I think we’re neither in denial because of choice. Nor we’re just in denial by chance, we’re not being in denial because we’re killing ourselves and we’re fine with it… and we’re most probably not in denial because it was easier.

We’re in denial because that’s what our situation asks for. And we feel like, it seems to be the only option that was left for us. To avoid killing others when they find out that you’re actually, dying inside.

We like to pretend but we don’t mean to lie. We don’t mean to fool others…or anyone. But we make ourselves believe that we can fool ourselves enough if we just keep on saying, and telling the rest of the world that we’re fine. We keep on fooling ourselves by telling each other we’re okay; that we’d actually believe it, eventually and hopefully.

But we are all in denial by heart. In denial by action. In denial on purpose

I guess we’re in denial by fate. But it’s really hard to talk about it; let alone admit it.

And we are all in denial. But it wasn’t a choice, it’s a necessary preference.

But… no. Really,  I’m fine.

A Wish for a Brand New Year

Dear 2017,

Please be good to me.

December 28, 2016 • 11:17pm

Dear 2017,

Please be good to me.

***

A wish for a good Life.

Here’s to another year of Hope, and Trust, and Dreams. Here’s to another year of Patience, and Kindness, and Forgiveness. Here’s to another year of doing things, making things, and creating things.

Here’s to everything I’ve never done last year. Here’s to possibility and less of doubts. Less procrastination, frustration, and depression.

Here is to everything

Welcoming old new things. Expecting that, yes, — life might suck, but it can also be good…somehow. We should never let ourselves held upon a box…once again. Here’s to letting go. And here’s to moving on. Here’s to never giving up for yet another year. You’re making it to how many years already…alright, keep it up! We must never surrender. Holding on? We must do it again… At least, to — Hope. We should never let ourselves be defeated by our own demons. We are making into years, and years…and years. My friends, we are doing good. Even if we don’t notice it more often…we’d find it in some of our lessons, realizations; and of course, in our writings.

The moment that we figure out what we’re trying to understand; to express what we’re trying to say.. We must know, somehow… that we are making sense out of this…ache. We write in order to understand ourselves; to understand this, — this life. The life that was given to us. We’re trying to make sense of something…and everything; or anything. Just about anything at all, just so it wouldn’t be just this; just pain. It must be something else. That…we are somehow feeling this way because we can grow something out of this; or at least, we can grow from this. So that we could grow; not taller, not prettier, not even fairer. But just grow. And to come out stronger, wiser; and kinder than ever before.

Perhaps this was a learning zone to all of us… Depression? Yes. Perhaps we could at least say goodbye to it…for now. — I wish forever. Perhaps we could leave this learning room inside of us and come out freer than ever. Better than ever. Finer than ever. Perhaps we don’t really need a big, bold word for it. But just as simple as a little better, and a little bit free — were seems to be just fine.

Here’s to another year of poetry. 

Here’s to another year of beating life, beating fate, and beating pain by making more of our poetry. Out of our very own pain given to us by Life.

Here’s to another year of success.

Success of making out into yet another year.

-Another year of this precious Life.

The Unlikely Christmas

But Life goes on. Life is just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. We have to move on. We have to keep moving on even if it means crawling.

Dec. 27, 2016 • 7pm

It’s been two, three, four years… No. It’s probably been five years.

It was the same date. The same place, the same foods,– even the same people.

It was the same Christmas Eve. It was the same time of the year. But something about it…makes it feel just…a little different. No, — a whole lot different, actually. I don’t know, but everything’s the same… Even the same smell, the same ambiance, the same aura. But something has changed. But no, — everything. Everything has changed. And I’m going mad. But I’m always mad.

Okay, this makes no sense.

I was caught up in my own thoughts that I could not even fathom quite lightly. I’m making it hard for myself when I’m trying to figure out the unfathomable.

It was so ruthless of time to leave us all behind, — all the time. It’s like, we’re running with it,– running so fast; just so we could keep up with it. Keep up with time. But no amount of energy, speed, and even power could ever keep up with time. We’re no match with it. We’re always in haste; always in a hurry, — at work, school, even growing up… We wanted to do everything in haste; to do it quick and fast, just so we could buy more time, and extra time for ourselves, the ones we love, and everything else. And just like what The Flash has taught me: Time is our common enemy.

But it’s as if something will ever change if we blame it.

It just sucks…to think how unfair the time is. How actually, unfair everything is. We are walking around here, thinking we have more time; but little did we know that time never stops. Not even a second. Not even when you’re happy; not even when you’re broke. It just smacks you on the face and then… Ta-daah! Your time is up.

And then the moment when the time and change finally decided to have a joined forces… That’s it. You’re dead. Because what else can you do against the force of nature? We all knew we can never do anything about it. Most likely, we just float around…and we just let the wind take us; wait for it to decide. It doesn’t matter where you wanna go; because it would be nothing anyway. In the end, it wouldn’t really matter whether or not you wanted to go elsewhere. Life, time, and change were the ones to follow.

Sometimes, I even feel like we’re just puppets. Like some kind of marionettes. Just hanging up there…waiting for the next pull of their strings. We do not own anything. We’re all caught up in a same thought that we actually own something; but we don’t. We fall apart; we’d be lost, and then we’d fade. We would fade away… I mean, just like that?

I mean, it’s just crazy how the time and change can be. But Life goes on. — that’s what they say. That’s what they always say. But what are we gonna do if things were not the way they used to be anymore? We cry? We fall apart; we move on? But of course. Life is just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. There’s no other way to move past life. We have to keep moving on even if it means crawling.

We can’t do anything about the force of nature; or the force of fate. We have nothing to do against it. But we can at least hope, and pray for something. Even if we do not know what it is; even if we do not know what for.

And then I realized that…it’s not actually everything — that seems to change. Not exactly. It was actually me… who’s changed quite a bit. I’m the one who’s been different.

I’m not the same person who’s walking in..

A Goodbye to the Parting Year

We hated goodbyes. But it’s as if we have other way; or even better way of saying it than to pretend that it was always for something ‘good’.

Dec. 26, 2016 • 5:23pm

Time flies so fast.

It’s so crazy how the time went by so fast… Days pass by almost unnoticed and unappreciated; yet when it comes to year, it’s really like a big thing. But then, it is. Or — it was. It’s almost a year,– it’s been a year, and I can still remember what I exactly did at this point of time last year, as if it happened only yesterday. I remember almost everything…and it’s making me crazy.

It’s just so crazy. We went to a year…and then jump to another one. I mean, how do we even do that? It’s like, we’re throwing away everything we have on this year and then jump and grasp the brand new year that’s coming. We’re leaving everything behind. I don’t know, but something about it really makes me feel a little…nostalgic. It’s like…going away; and then finding a new beginning. When you don’t even know if it’s actually going to be good; or bad. I’m not saying I’ve really had a whole good year this year. But then you know, there’s always good — and then there’s bad. But I think it’s just enough. I wasn’t really miserable enough to complain and be a real cynical b*tch.

It’s just that…the time’s really driving me nuttier than ever. It’s like, just rolling over…and then, ta-daah! “Welcome to a Brand New Year! Here’s your life, take it!”

It’s like going away and starting a new life, — even when you don’t even want to leave in the first place. You have no choice, your time’s over. It’s like, — the time is pushing us away; or…we are the ones who push the time away? Are we? Because I’m pretty sure time didn’t created itself, I guess… And in all the history, humans were always the one who would invent things…– And maybe time is one of them. Perhaps time is a perspective created by humans. Created by us. We always needed time; we have to make time. We have to put time in order to calculate everything that we do. Even memories aren’t exception. We do things, we remember things, and then we forget. The last thing we do is to be dominated by oblivion.

It’s driving me insane. I’m pretty sure it was only just last month that I have just re-read the book The Hobbit. But no honey, it’s been a year. You’re not dreaming. Oh my God, it’s actually been a year already. It still feels like I’m left on the year of 2015, hanging. OhmyGod, I don’t believe it…I’m still stuck on the year of 2015! I can’t! And I feel like crying… This year is almost over and we’re coming to it’s end; 2017 is almost there and yet…I was still left alone; still stuck on the last year. It’s like, the time was dragging me so hard like a windstorm…and all I wanna do is keep hugging on a post; keep holding on so tight, just so I wouldn’t fly with it. But then I can’t. No matter how much my hands hurt; it was just not enough. There was nothing else I could do. We can try but we all knew, nobody wins.

It was always goodbye. It’s always a good bye. And we would have to say it even if we don’t want to. It doesn’t matter if we like it or we don’t; the point is, to say goodbye because we’re leaving. Or better yet, the year is leaving. We’re going away once again, for what its worth; we all have to do it whether or not we still have that lump in our throats. We’re all gonna have to say it no matter what the cost: tears, happiness, freedom, melancholy, chances, sadness… We all have to go through the process of moving on — all over again.

The year is ending and it’s making my heart skip a beat. There’s a sense of excitement, paranoia, melancholia, nostalgia, mania…and all the other emotions there is, I guess…

I hated goodbyes. But it’s as if we have other way; or even better way of saying it than to pretend that it’s always for something ‘good’.

But then again, One Goodbye Makes a Year.