A Wish for a Brand New Year

Dear 2017,

Please be good to me.

December 28, 2016 • 11:17pm

Dear 2017,

Please be good to me.

***

A wish for a good Life.

Here’s to another year of Hope, and Trust, and Dreams. Here’s to another year of Patience, and Kindness, and Forgiveness. Here’s to another year of doing things, making things, and creating things.

Here’s to everything I’ve never done last year. Here’s to possibility and less of doubts. Less procrastination, frustration, and depression.

Here is to everything

Welcoming old new things. Expecting that, yes, — life might suck, but it can also be good…somehow. We should never let ourselves held upon a box…once again. Here’s to letting go. And here’s to moving on. Here’s to never giving up for yet another year. You’re making it to how many years already…alright, keep it up! We must never surrender. Holding on? We must do it again… At least, to — Hope. We should never let ourselves be defeated by our own demons. We are making into years, and years…and years. My friends, we are doing good. Even if we don’t notice it more often…we’d find it in some of our lessons, realizations; and of course, in our writings.

The moment that we figure out what we’re trying to understand; to express what we’re trying to say.. We must know, somehow… that we are making sense out of this…ache. We write in order to understand ourselves; to understand this, — this life. The life that was given to us. We’re trying to make sense of something…and everything; or anything. Just about anything at all, just so it wouldn’t be just this; just pain. It must be something else. That…we are somehow feeling this way because we can grow something out of this; or at least, we can grow from this. So that we could grow; not taller, not prettier, not even fairer. But just grow. And to come out stronger, wiser; and kinder than ever before.

Perhaps this was a learning zone to all of us… Depression? Yes. Perhaps we could at least say goodbye to it…for now. — I wish forever. Perhaps we could leave this learning room inside of us and come out freer than ever. Better than ever. Finer than ever. Perhaps we don’t really need a big, bold word for it. But just as simple as a little better, and a little bit free — were seems to be just fine.

Here’s to another year of poetry. 

Here’s to another year of beating life, beating fate, and beating pain by making more of our poetry. Out of our very own pain given to us by Life.

Here’s to another year of success.

Success of making out into yet another year.

-Another year of this precious Life.

The Unlikely Christmas

But Life goes on. Life is just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. We have to move on. We have to keep moving on even if it means crawling.

Dec. 27, 2016 • 7pm

It’s been two, three, four years… No. It’s probably been five years.

It was the same date. The same place, the same foods,– even the same people.

It was the same Christmas Eve. It was the same time of the year. But something about it…makes it feel just…a little different. No, — a whole lot different, actually. I don’t know, but everything’s the same… Even the same smell, the same ambiance, the same aura. But something has changed. But no, — everything. Everything has changed. And I’m going mad. But I’m always mad.

Okay, this makes no sense.

I was caught up in my own thoughts that I could not even fathom quite lightly. I’m making it hard for myself when I’m trying to figure out the unfathomable.

It was so ruthless of time to leave us all behind, — all the time. It’s like, we’re running with it,– running so fast; just so we could keep up with it. Keep up with time. But no amount of energy, speed, and even power could ever keep up with time. We’re no match with it. We’re always in haste; always in a hurry, — at work, school, even growing up… We wanted to do everything in haste; to do it quick and fast, just so we could buy more time, and extra time for ourselves, the ones we love, and everything else. And just like what The Flash has taught me: Time is our common enemy.

But it’s as if something will ever change if we blame it.

It just sucks…to think how unfair the time is. How actually, unfair everything is. We are walking around here, thinking we have more time; but little did we know that time never stops. Not even a second. Not even when you’re happy; not even when you’re broke. It just smacks you on the face and then… Ta-daah! Your time is up.

And then the moment when the time and change finally decided to have a joined forces… That’s it. You’re dead. Because what else can you do against the force of nature? We all knew we can never do anything about it. Most likely, we just float around…and we just let the wind take us; wait for it to decide. It doesn’t matter where you wanna go; because it would be nothing anyway. In the end, it wouldn’t really matter whether or not you wanted to go elsewhere. Life, time, and change were the ones to follow.

Sometimes, I even feel like we’re just puppets. Like some kind of marionettes. Just hanging up there…waiting for the next pull of their strings. We do not own anything. We’re all caught up in a same thought that we actually own something; but we don’t. We fall apart; we’d be lost, and then we’d fade. We would fade away… I mean, just like that?

I mean, it’s just crazy how the time and change can be. But Life goes on. — that’s what they say. That’s what they always say. But what are we gonna do if things were not the way they used to be anymore? We cry? We fall apart; we move on? But of course. Life is just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. There’s no other way to move past life. We have to keep moving on even if it means crawling.

We can’t do anything about the force of nature; or the force of fate. We have nothing to do against it. But we can at least hope, and pray for something. Even if we do not know what it is; even if we do not know what for.

And then I realized that…it’s not actually everything — that seems to change. Not exactly. It was actually me… who’s changed quite a bit. I’m the one who’s been different.

I’m not the same person who’s walking in..

A Goodbye to the Parting Year

We hated goodbyes. But it’s as if we have other way; or even better way of saying it than to pretend that it was always for something ‘good’.

Dec. 26, 2016 • 5:23pm

Time flies so fast.

It’s so crazy how the time went by so fast… Days pass by almost unnoticed and unappreciated; yet when it comes to year, it’s really like a big thing. But then, it is. Or — it was. It’s almost a year,– it’s been a year, and I can still remember what I exactly did at this point of time last year, as if it happened only yesterday. I remember almost everything…and it’s making me crazy.

It’s just so crazy. We went to a year…and then jump to another one. I mean, how do we even do that? It’s like, we’re throwing away everything we have on this year and then jump and grasp the brand new year that’s coming. We’re leaving everything behind. I don’t know, but something about it really makes me feel a little…nostalgic. It’s like…going away; and then finding a new beginning. When you don’t even know if it’s actually going to be good; or bad. I’m not saying I’ve really had a whole good year this year. But then you know, there’s always good — and then there’s bad. But I think it’s just enough. I wasn’t really miserable enough to complain and be a real cynical b*tch.

It’s just that…the time’s really driving me nuttier than ever. It’s like, just rolling over…and then, ta-daah! “Welcome to a Brand New Year! Here’s your life, take it!”

It’s like going away and starting a new life, — even when you don’t even want to leave in the first place. You have no choice, your time’s over. It’s like, — the time is pushing us away; or…we are the ones who push the time away? Are we? Because I’m pretty sure time didn’t created itself, I guess… And in all the history, humans were always the one who would invent things…– And maybe time is one of them. Perhaps time is a perspective created by humans. Created by us. We always needed time; we have to make time. We have to put time in order to calculate everything that we do. Even memories aren’t exception. We do things, we remember things, and then we forget. The last thing we do is to be dominated by oblivion.

It’s driving me insane. I’m pretty sure it was only just last month that I have just re-read the book The Hobbit. But no honey, it’s been a year. You’re not dreaming. Oh my God, it’s actually been a year already. It still feels like I’m left on the year of 2015, hanging. OhmyGod, I don’t believe it…I’m still stuck on the year of 2015! I can’t! And I feel like crying… This year is almost over and we’re coming to it’s end; 2017 is almost there and yet…I was still left alone; still stuck on the last year. It’s like, the time was dragging me so hard like a windstorm…and all I wanna do is keep hugging on a post; keep holding on so tight, just so I wouldn’t fly with it. But then I can’t. No matter how much my hands hurt; it was just not enough. There was nothing else I could do. We can try but we all knew, nobody wins.

It was always goodbye. It’s always a good bye. And we would have to say it even if we don’t want to. It doesn’t matter if we like it or we don’t; the point is, to say goodbye because we’re leaving. Or better yet, the year is leaving. We’re going away once again, for what its worth; we all have to do it whether or not we still have that lump in our throats. We’re all gonna have to say it no matter what the cost: tears, happiness, freedom, melancholy, chances, sadness… We all have to go through the process of moving on — all over again.

The year is ending and it’s making my heart skip a beat. There’s a sense of excitement, paranoia, melancholia, nostalgia, mania…and all the other emotions there is, I guess…

I hated goodbyes. But it’s as if we have other way; or even better way of saying it than to pretend that it’s always for something ‘good’.

But then again, One Goodbye Makes a Year.

Knowing Thyself

I’m still on the journey of finding myself after I’ve lost her. I’m still learning. Still not done saying goodbye to the old me. Still mourning the loss of who I used to be.

May 14, 2016 • 4:08pm

So we go on, and then we take those memories with us..

We thought we know ourselves well enough every time we introduce ourselves to others; to each other, and to one another. Until we realize…knowing your name is not the same thing as knowing yourself, inside.

We know exactly how to write our own name. How to pronounce it; know how to place every single letter. But here’s the thing: when you find yourself being lost, when you find yourself questioning your own worth, that name is nothing. It has nothing to do with what you feel. It has nothing to do with your character and who you are.

I think, the point is, to cherish who you are right now. Embrace everything about yourself. Cherish yourself. Cherish you. Because you never really know when is that time you might just change. Or when is that very moment that something will happen in your life, and suddenly… you are not who you are anymore. — or who you used to be.

Truth is, none of us have any idea when is change will take over us

Life is unpredictable. Maybe it’s just the way it’s supposed be? Or.. the way we perceived it to be. I don’t know. Just that…one day, something happened to me and it changed my life — forever. I continued living as if it didn’t even happen. Or as though I do not know a thing about it. But in pretending I do not know anything about it at all, I survived. Yes. I guess it wasn’t really the most humane thing to do, but it’s still a wise choice, after all. 

When life made you choose between your heart and mind.. I guess it’s just wise to choose what your mind is telling you, if not the best; than to just let your heart decide. Our heart is so vulnerable and very fragile…it gets broken every time. But the mind? It teaches you to become stronger. Stubborn, even. 

And I think, that time… I chose to trust on it because I thought, and I hoped in something.. that maybe… it might just save me. And then it did. 

But the irony of it…is what comes after; and everything else that follows. 

It all just came about to me so suddenly…as if someone had just splashed a bucket full of an ice cold water onto my face. The impact was so great; it was remarkable and impossible to remain overlooked. The realization, the hindsight… and epiphany –it all came back to me. It is all the aftermath of everything. It all came crashing down on me like an avalanche. And it’s just funny how that decision saved me from being broken at that time, but the things that just came after, were honestly, — far too worse. It didn’t just broke me. It destroyed me. It had killed me in the most subtle way possible.

We all know that life is unfair. But it’s just until latter, that we realize… life isn’t just unfair. Sometimes it’s weird, quirky, funny. And it’s just really funny because it’s ironic. In a sense that, you’d find yourself laughing at the betrayal of what life has did to you. You’ll wipe away your tears while saying, “damn, this life!”

I think life is playful that way. Not knowing what to come; where’s the next turn will take you. What to do next. And all these parananoia..anxiety, and over thinking, were just a natural response in having all those questions in your mind.

You’ll find yourself meandering between losing and finding yourself; knowing and changing..

And I am more unknown to me than I have ever been. More complicated than I ever was. I’m still on the journey of finding myself after I’ve lost her. I’m still learning. Still not done saying goodbye to the old me. Still mourning the loss of who I used to be. Still dealing with the pain of missing, and longing… It’s still not done; I’m still trying. And I never want to lose hope that somehow, this life has something in stored for me.. That I am not doing nothing.. That all this hardships won’t be thrown away; unrecognized. That this, what we call life, means something more…than just another word for suffering.

And then at times…when this kind of melancholia strikes me; and my spirit’s at the lowest…I just wanted to be gone forever. But then I always have to remind myself that this life’s not mine. Yes, not even my breath anyway. Not even my whole life. 

This is a blessing, no matter what.

Life is… a very sacred thing. And sometimes, it becomes even more sacred when we find out that we desperately want to end it…

but chose not to.

A Place For Me Somewhere Out There

And then you find yourself walking away again… Hoping to find a place, where you’d really belong.

​May 14, 2016  •  2am

So, we hang on.. We stumble, we fall, and we get bucked up. And somehow, when we can finally stand strong on our own again, there’s another roll of rocks on our way. We get stumbled on, we fell down; and then we get bucked up again. It’s just a cycle: A series of déjà vu. A happenstance that felt very familiar. A cliché encounters; a crazy probability.

Sometimes, when you finally choose to be where you wanna be… suddenly, the place is not yours. When you thought it is where you’d finally belong, just when you thought it’s finally the place where you can be…ironically, maybe it’s somewhere else. When you finally let the people stay in your life, they’d decide to leave. And sometimes, when you find yourself being happy, and finally let yourself to, that thing is not yours.

I mean, I don’t get sad anymore. When you find yourself being sick of all those things repeatedly, you don’t get hurt that much anymore. Because you learn to be indifferent. I’d like to say, resilient… But not really. I mean…just for the record, because I think maybe that would be an overstatement.

Eventually, you’ll learn to cope with a lot of disappointments; and all the other ugly things there is. So when it finally comes around…it’s not like, — it’s really a complete shock. It actually shocked me when things are right and actually go my way, tbh. So it’s more of like immunity for me. (You see, you can still gain a strength out of unfortunate events, really. But whatever. Lol). I mean you learn. And I think, maybe the whole point of life was learning. Learning how to deal with pain, learning things are never meant to be yours, learning that pain and changes are part of your existence, because it’s a package of having a Life. — Learning

It’s actually fun. Though, not really. But hey, isn’t it fun when you always seem to learn something out of.. Um… I don’t know, something? I mean, we must admit, when you learn something, it’s not like a complete loss, isn’t it? Because you still gain something out of it; out of that things that…used to hurt you..

Talk about the paradox.

I understand that the only thing that’s ours, and ours alone, is our own pain. Sadly enough, it’s true. It is the only thing we can call our “own”, the only thing that no one else can take away from you. And I know that we all hope and wish, that same goes for our money too. But lol, welcome to reality! Because pain is borne within you. Hidden, kept. Secluded, even. We bear it everywhere we go; we can’t just throw it away because it’s inside us, within us. But we can call it a “lesson” as a euphemism to it. So that when there’s something dangerous to come, we know exactly how it felt like, and by all means know how to handle it. It’s just a matter of perspective and insights. Mostly the wisdom of it all. I think we just deal with it like a pro, that is all.

Because sometimes, we find ourselves walking on a perpetual journey…where the only thing that remains, and truly lasts, is pain.. 

We fight and we learn, that sometimes…the place where you’ve always wanted to be, and the place you thought you’re supposed to be, and rather be…is not the place for you.

And then you find yourself walking away again… 

Hoping to find a place where you’d really belong.

But there has to be… There has to be some place for me. A place for me somewhere out there…

A Quest in the Abyss

You are being torn between what you want and what happens; what you feel and what you do… And somehow, in the midst of it all, you find yourself being lost in knowing what to do.

​May 14, 2016 •  1:45am

And then we come and go to the life of each other like the way the seasons do. So that when one leaves, another one might come along. How is that there’s nothing permanent in this world? We live our life to matter to the life of one another, only to know that they were never meant for us? We live our life to matter. We do things for the ones that matters to us.. But then they would leave; and if they don’t, they would die. And there’s only one thing that remains the same,– they both hurt you in any other way.

If you don’t love someone, it’s like you’ve never lived at all. If you don’t let someone love you, it’s like dying inside. You are being torn between what you want and what happens; what you feel and what you do… And somehow in the midst of it all, you find yourself being lost in knowing what to do.

We want all these things we can’t have. And get all those things we don’t wish for. It’s just so ironic. Full of complications. We want the world to stop, so we can take a break. But no honey, the world is not yours, not your life anyway. 

It’s like living a life not your own.

Everything you ask for, has no real answers… Sometimes you’re left to make one of your own. Sometimes it’s enough, sometimes its not. And sometimes…nothing is enough.But most of the time? you’re left even more baffled…confused, and dazed. — lost, even. You lose a part of yourself in a quest of finding answers. 

You felt more than incomplete. Felt ever more alone. You can’t simply let the inevitable happen. — You want to know what’s that inevitable is going to bring. Or whether it’s going to bring any good to you…or it would just add to yet another frustrating matter to fight with again, at night. Either way…one thing is for sure, it’s only going to be just another roll of paranoia to deal with… Again.

We let our life happen in the flow of everyday life.. We let our breathes pass through our throats just as the pain does to our soul…– It never stops. It waits for you to get something to sealed it off and shut closed. Because for us, humans, as long as you’re breathing, you’re good. As long as you’re alive, you’re still okay. You can still go a long way.

But the pain we feel inside? — it never really stops…just like the river. It flows right into our veins…in every part of our system. It seeps through every single part of our flesh that it has the chance to creep in. It pauses, but it never stops. It pauses when there’s a rock, or for us, seems like some kind of ‘distraction’.. when we find our small joys, like, when we talk to a friend, when we laugh at the jokes… There’s so many ways for it to pause. But to make it stop? I haven’t really got an answer to that just yet. 

It’s just that, life is obscure. 


We don’t know how to live
. We don’t really know how to do it. We just do it the way we thought it should be done; sometimes we do it the way others do, or the way we see them how they do theirs. Or we look at other people’s lives and just live our lives the way they live theirs. Yeah, talk about originality. There’s nothing wrong, nothing right. And sometimes…what we thought we’re doing…is enough for us to be right.

And in the journey of searching for answers…You lose a part of yourself even more. Only to find out that..

…you are not who you thought you are.

A Pang of Epiphany

We are what we feel. We are what we hide away. We’re not what we appear to be; we are what we kept.

​May 13, 2016 • 11:47pm

And then I woke up to the cold truth that I can never go back to the way I was; and how I used to be anymore. I can never be the “me” I used to know…And I can never become the “old me” that I’ve always wanted back. It’s just that…we have to wake up to reality that life doesn’t always go for us…not always “with us”. Most of the time, it’s against us. And we can only continue leaving the things that were already behind us…including the old “us” because life goes on, and the world spins; everything change…it’s not all the same. 

We are not the same. We are not the same person we used to be. We are not the same person we used to know. We are not these people talking to each other, waving their hands and saying goodbye. Not anymore. We are who we are right now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. We are who we are today. And we continue facing each other like the way we face the mirror everyday. Constantly seeing faces, knowing what to say, doing things we do… 

But on the parallel opposite things of what we do, what we say, and what we see…is the contrary of it all. We know exactly what we feel; but we are too mute to tell, and too dumb to speak and say it. Too weak to talk about it, and too deaf to be willing to hear it…even from our own. Too scared to hear about it even just on the inside; we are too scared to open up. We just simply dismiss it, before it even get started. We are afraid to talk about things that might destroy us. And all those feelings we put behind great walls that we built for ourselves, were left untouched, unseen, unheard of…

And unknown.

It remained unknown to us; to each other.. Especially ourselves. It remains unknown to ourselves that we come to a point where we don’t exactly know what it is. It becomes so hidden that we don’t know what it really is that we actually hide. What it is that we’re so afraid of. What it is that we do not want to appear.

Perhaps ourselves? The real you that’s been buried deep within you… In the deepest and darkest corners of your own being. Kept in the deepest chasm…Too far away, from the rest, and everyone of us where no one can see it. Buried, that it’s been enough for it to die. 

But it’s still not certain whether it’s “we” that we really hide, or “us” or the real “you” or “I”. Because I sure as hell know we shouldn’t be using “it” as a pronoun for it when we know exactly who it is. Nonetheless, whether it’s who, whom, or what, it’s not really much of a big deal, actually. It doesn’t really matter anymore. Because in the end, it’s still a mystery… That in the end, it remains a mystery; no matter how much we try to seek for answers. 

Unless we decide to go find it.

They were kept hidden and sealed off safe. But they were there. Undeniably there. And it would only become obvious when a tear finally falls down our cheek. We are what we feel. We are what we hide away. We’re not what we appear to be; we are what we kept.

And then we keep talking to each other like nothing’s wrong. Like everything’s normal and everything’s fine; and nothing’s changed. Like it’s just same way we also talk to ourselves when we’re alone. Like the way we smile to other people is the way we are when it comes to ourselves. Or, like how soft and warm we are to others is the same way we do to ourselves. We act like everything’s fine. But it’s not. Unfortunately, it’s not. 

We’re just trying to be nice to them because we know exactly how it feels like to be hard on ourselves. We keep trying. We keep on trying to be better, so we can continue to live. But in the end, it never satisfies. It will only cause more ache and pain to ourselves that what we are trying to do was just not enough. There’s always a need for something. Something else that we don’t quite understand. Something that we do not know if it would ever come… 

We smile, we laugh and we live like any other human beings. But when the night hits, and when the moment of truth finally comes around again…There you are, falling apart. Screaming inside. There’s always something strange inside of you that comes back alive. There’s this something that breaks, — or even dies. It’s something that automatically strikes you every night; and everytime the dark crepts in…as if by default. We don’t know how, we don’t know why. But it’s just there…coming along from the past…from behind us.. And it would be remembered when it’s time for them to be remembered.

It’s just that…we’re not really looking for answers. Not always. But we are looking for a reason. 
Perhaps a single reason would be enough? 

Perchance, even a single one would suffice our seeking soul, that’s been aching and dying of hunger for a food that won’t really come..

And it’s times like this, in the stillness of the night…where I realize that, it’s not actually “we” that I’m supposed to be using. Because, it was actually, utterly, and absolutely, just… “I”

It was just me, after all.

Not we, just I.