Unrecognizable Pain 

You’re so used to it but you feel it anyway. You’ve prepared yourself for it, but it still hurts you anyway.

July 3, 2016 · 5:23pm

So now that you know something is likely to happen… Something, is actually going to happen. And you’re trying to prepare yourself for it –or for the worse, rather. You’re preparing for it, and how it will feel like when it comes… You’re practicing like, “this is it… this is how it’s going to feel like..” But then again, when it finally comes right down to you… It will always hurt like hell. Like more than what you thought it ever could… And you will feel as if you’ve never expected it in the first place; as if you’ve never prepared for it. It’s as if you’ve never even had any idea… when you thought you’ve been quite used to it. Immune, even. It’ll always feel like that fresh wound that you get whenever you fall on your knees. It’ll feel so raw… So new, and almost foreign. It’ll feel so different… as if you’ve never even felt it before. You’ll never gonna be ready enough; or prepared enough. Or even numb enough to feel the pain. Pain is going to be felt no matter what. It persists; so you see. You wouldn’t even believe how unrecognizable it would feel like when it’s actually quite familiar… Because you thought you’ve prepared yourself for it, you thought you’re numb. But here it comes again… And there you go again, never gonna be ready enough for it.

And that is how the pain works. No matter how much you thought you’d been exposed to it– so much, it’ll be that unrecognizable thing when it finally gets back to you. As if you never even knew it to begin with. As if you’ve never had, never experienced, and never have met it before. When in fact, it is what life meant you. It demands to be felt… As John Green would put it. Because it does. And because truth is, it’s going to be there, no matter how much you decide you knew it. No matter how much you proclaim… no matter how much you tell yourself and convince yourself that it’s okay, you’re used to it, you’re immune to it, it’s gonna be fine this time around. But it does not. It doesn’t become fine just because you say so. It’s not gonna be like that; not at all gonna turn out as easy as that. Because no matter how much you thought you’re numb enough, it’s always gonna be there when it decides to. Because pain is pain. And it’s supposed to be felt. Just like happiness, just like anger, or even emptiness. That is how we live… — we feel, even if we don’t want to.  We live in order to feel; we feel because we live… or vice versa. It’s just the way our life is… I guess. You’re so used to it, but you feel it anyway. You’ve prepared yourself for it, but it still hurts you anyway.

We are perceiving pain… in so many ways; or so many levels. And we take it just the same. It hits us… and we get, and take it as it is. Pain. We thought we’d never ever feel it differently, for we’ve felt it far too many times before. We’re so over it; we’ve had enough. And it’s now part of us, or we’re part of it. It’s just the same, and we’re stronger than ever. It’s no big deal at all. And we’re here, yet again, to face it. It’s okay, it’s nothing. But then… but then when it finally gets back to you again, it’d be unmistakable. It’s pain. The pain we thought would never hurt us, or affect us, or sway us again. The pain that we thought we remember, and knew all too well… It’s unmistakably pain yet again. Pain… Ah, that unmistakable feeling!

And I guess… I guess, or at least I’d like to think that… it is something that’s made for us to recognize happiness when it finally comes our way. To become desperate enough of wanting not to feel… and then something very nice, something that really feels so good comes along again and suddenly we don’t want it to stop. We just to to feel that way forever that we just wanna keep it in our hearts. At least, that kind of possibilities… 

And I, for one, think that… we’re all somehow waiting for that. For that kind of moment to pass… To meet our path… To come our way; to wander on our direction at least once. Or for happiness to finally come our way; to turn this way… If it would just give us a chance; a one rare shot… Our lives would not only become beautiful, but even so much more meaningful and significant. Life would be better that way, if I say so myself. Because we are, at the end of the day… all empty and lost souls yearning for that moment.

Or so I thought.

Writing Resolution

Because pain isn’t supposed to be just pain. It has to be something more than that.

December 16, 2016 · 4:03pm

I write.

Because if I don’t write, then what would be the point of pain? I feel like life was giving me some kind of poetry… and it is my duty to unveil it. And I don’t mean to share it; most of the time… I want to keep it only to myself. But then sometimes, it also feels like… I’m keeping something that wasn’t truly meant to be kept unknown; and unheard of… But to be discovered, and unbosom… to touch others; to help reach others by words,– if not by hand. It was made to conform. I feel as if… there is some secret message behind it, — a silver lining, after all. To make them feel that they aren’t completely alone. To make them realize that… there is someone, somewhere out there, who also feels the same way. That they have someone they can relate to… Somebody they can understand themselves with. To let them feel something. Not just to let them merely read the words. Because poetry is an art; and art, certainly, always supposed to mean something. Or even something else, and something more than what you can see. It isn’t just a prosaic combination of words, that were put aligned together… with a mere rhyming sound of each syllables. No, it’s got to be something more than that, and we have to get a little deeper to get there. And most likely, that’s when we go Anon. To give them the message without risking revealing your demure self that lives inside you. The one who does not have the courage to stand up and speak. But the words are there. As well as the paper; and the pen. Words that even though shallow; and even though simple… still have made you feel something, or that it had meant something. No matter how inferior, and defeated it may appeal… Or how mediocre it may seem, than intended to be… or is supposed to be. At least, it became something. It is something. Something that’s worldly; something like epiphany… 

Because pain isn’t supposed to be just pain. It has to be something more than that.

Promise of Forever

We often tend to suffer from our own little delusion that forever really does exist in this ever-changing world. Where nothing is certain… But please, forever is a myth; not a commodity.

November 30, 2016 · 6:18pm

We often tend to suffer from our own little delusion that forever really does exist in this ever-changing world. Where nothing is certain; and where everything seems fleeting… that even our own breathes are temporary. If only we spend much time, and effort, and work hard to achieve it.

But please, forever is a myth; not a commodity.

Nydel M.

Indifference and Madness

They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts.

November 28, 2016 · 10:16pm

I have this thing in mind… a very chaotic notion; perhaps some kind of oppression… that had been going on in my mind lately. Or shall I say, — every now and then. And it’d since then been aggravating me a lot, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it is; nor what to do about it. 

My thoughts are a mess. And I am a disaster. I subconsciously do things I know I wouldn’t really do on purpose. They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts. I had given up hope on everything; I couldn’t care less whatever happens. I do not care about anything. At all. I could probably go past these torment and out of such predicament without shedding a tear from the eye; without even a single cringe. I wasn’t stranger to pain, but I wasn’t numb, either. Or so I thought; because I know I shouldn’t. I am indifferent and I wasn’t supposed to be. I am human and was supposed to feel. Because if I don’t, what would be the point of being alive, then? 

But still, I could screw the world over, and shut people out without looking back and feeling a thing. Not even a guilt. I felt nothing. But… how come? I want nothing, feel nothing. I am nothing. How could I? I am dangerously empty. Hollow, even. I am the void that wraps up my very own.

Perhaps this was indifference.

Maybe I was only stoic because I am no stranger to all this; it’s not at all new to me. It couldn’t surprise me more… I’m so used to all these. –so sick and fed up. I’ve grown jaded enough already to still give a damn. These no longer bother me,– in any way. Not even a little. I can never be more affected; let alone upset. That despite all the unpredictability of life… I still know what’s going to happen in the end. It always goes down to one thing. That exact same thing.

And I still do not know… whatever was the causation of these improbable shambles of my own thoughts… Or whether it was only a state of happenstance; a chance. But knowing so would never really do, either. And knowing would be the end of me. Half the time… I was usually presented by the answers I do not want to know; the truths I do not seek. And maybe that’s the reason why I’m such a mess. I’m constantly being trapped in my very own chaotic thoughts like I always did.

But I cannot understand if this was just me, merely jaded. Or I, in the face of indifference. But I am both; the life proved me so. And it remains indefinite whether or not I just really know life well enough, and accepted that everything is passing through. That we are all just passing through… Or maybe things just stopped mattering so much. Because it turned out to be the norm, and nothing matters anymore…

And I’ve settled in my own chasm; and have forgotten how to live… Because doing so would never really make any difference. I was absolutely jaded to the point that I couldn’t even recognize my very own existence and what would I ever live for. 

There is nothing. There is nothing here for me. I merely exist… that is all; nothing more. And perhaps, saying so would give life a reason to get me back my sanity. A little mercy, maybe? But no, not really. Being obliterated was no reason to take away this existential madness. –The life might say.

Right Time

We shall meet again, some time. When the wounds are healed; and when the smiles are real. And maybe when life is a little bit of kinder, and nothing is torn…

November 15, 2016 · 11:44pm

and might I say,

“We shall meet again, some time. When the wounds are healed; and when the smiles are real. And maybe when life is a little bit of kinder, and nothing is torn… Perhaps we shall meet when the sky’s whole again.”

We shall meet, when the time is right again.

Nydel M.

A Need for Freedom

…To follow our hearts and let it be. But such is life, and that’s our tragedy. Because life can never give us the most freedom we need, either.

November 20, 2016 · 10:52pm

And then we spend most of our lives thinking we do not have much of a choice; and that we should have more. And we often do the things we do all because we have no other choice, and that we should’ve given more choices… because ‘choice‘ is what we need. –when it’s not. When it’s really not. 

We thought we do not have a choice that’s why life is unfair. But little did we know that choice is not what we even need in the first place. We don’t suffer from the lack of choices or the limitations of our options. Nor we suffer from our own poor choices. We suffer from our own perception of the world and its mechanics of having a life dependent on the choices and boundaries. We say there are no limitations; there are no boundaries. But then we believe in confinement of the given choices. And it’s our predicament to be in such a horrible deliberation of choosing the right one. I guess life is playful that way; unfair, even. But isn’t it, as a matter of fact, a very known reality to each and everyone of us to begin with? It was a given fact. And truth is, we don’t even have a choice in the very beginning. We grab and we take every opportunities; every chances that we can have because it’s hardly given to us. We only choose what’s in front of us; and what’s available. We pick from the given choices thrown upon us because there are no other options. We have to do those things because that’s what we’re supposed to; because it’s necessary. Because we need to, even if it’s not what we want. We have to do it because it’s the only way we see fit. Because we have no other choice. Because it’s what our situation demands. Because it’s what the life asks for.

Life will give us something we can call an “option” or a “choice”… when really, we are left with nothing but the mere chance of doing what’s need to be done. Pick the right one, because it’s how it’s supposed to be. In the end, we fool ourselves by constantly thinking, and believing that choice is something real. That choice is something that we all have. And choosing is something that we do; something that we used to… something we’re supposed to do. So therefore, choice is what need to have more of.

But we have no choice. We lived our lives believing we have that; we thought we had a choice, but we don’t.

Truth is, choice is not what we even need. We do not need choices any more than we need freedom.

What we need is FREEDOM. We need the freedom to choose our own paths; we need the freedom to do what we want and what we love. We need freedom to do things and make things. We need the freedom to make things happen and follow our heart. We need the freedom to dance in the air; and reach the skies. To fly up high, to run away… We should have the freedom to choose what we really want. Not to pick from the limited, constraining choices. We should be able to choose freely. To do freely. Anything and everything, as long as it makes us happy. We should be free from our own mind and our own delusional thoughts that choice is what we need. We don’t have to choose because we can do anything and everything. Why don’t we do that? To be free from everything that’s been tethering us and restraining us from doing what we really wanna do. To follow our hearts and let it be.

But such is life; and that’s our tragedy.

We ravage ourselves so much into thinking we fix up our lives by deciding what is right for us to choose… and pondering it based on the capacity of our own resort, and chosen option. Until we realize there’s a prick of emptiness within us that we hadn’t even notice was there all along. Something that we thought we didn’t feel at all. That feeling we’ve been trying to bury into oblivion all these years. Just so it won’t bother us, and we could be fine again. We thought it will; but it didn’t. We can no longer continue being oblivious because we can’t contain it anymore; we can’t hold it any longer. And we inwardly scream for freedom. We need this freedom of doing what we want and following our hearts. 

Freedom is what we truly need and not a single Choice. We need not any more choice; we need Freedom to do it all. To go beyond the limits and past our boundaries. We should be free to do it all. And it’s really just a shame we don’t realize that. We’re stuck into thinking we have no choice and that we need to have more. And that’s the tragedy of life. 

Because life can never give us the very freedom we need, either.

Just a Little Sense

It’s the one thing they won’t understand… And you can’t seem to explain it yourself, either. But it’s just there; lurking in subtleness.

September 13, 2016 • 10:03pm

In this fast pace life… you’d never know when, and where’s your small joy will really come from. Or what will bring you a sudden amusement… What will make you wonder. What would stop you on your tracks and make you think for a moment… What would make you rethink your life; something that had caught you by surprise… something that had caught you off-guard.

Something that made sense.

Or maybe you just didn’t really notice. Everything happens so fast… as if by a flash,– you almost didn’t notice every little thing that really makes sense. The things that matter. You know, we’re always looking for this drop-the-bomb kind of happiness… That one big shot, the kind that will smack you straight into your face and make your blood rise in shock. We are always waiting for the big moment. But little did we know that happiness comes from every little joys. Those little joys that we always had but didn’t notice… What I’m trying to say is, those small joys that really make sense to us,–the ones that really matter, are always right in front of us, but we’re just not paying attention. It’s always there, perhaps sometimes we are just too busy to even see. And we always tend to leave them behind; unnoticed and underrated.

But happiness comes from every little thing that brings joy to us. It’s like,– joys are the little/small party of something that (you almost never realize) matter. Joys are every little thing that makes happiness whole. They were the small particles or molecules that make ‘something’ a matter.– A matter consists of these tiny particles that makes it whole.

We thought we didn’t see it, but we did. We thought we couldn’t, but if we only look,– we can. It happens and we felt it and we’ll only realize it when it’s finally gone… because only then, we’ll feel and realize that something’s missing. And you almost never know what it is that went missing… Because you didn’t know exactly and you didn’t pay attention on what happens everyday. Until one day… it’s the same day, it’s the same sun, but then it feels… just a little bit different… and suddenly, it’s not all the same. It’s like something was gone or something was wrong. It’s just that… something goes missing. It’s as if you just lost something you didn’t know about. There’s this something important that you’re missing, something you had lost… but what sucks is when you know it’s something important; but you don’t know exactly what it is. You don’t feel whole.

A part of you was missing.

But even when you’re willing to go and find it… it sucks because you do not know; and you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you’re going to find just to feel the same again.

I mean, it was perhaps the key is to take a moment to notice and to pay attention; we really have to pay attention on what happens. Everyday. Because happiness, or epiphany, or wisdom might already come in your way, but then you were too busy paying attention on something else… that you didn’t even bother to look at it. Something else that hasn’t even arrived yet. And then latter realize that the best part of your days had come but you just shrugged it off, just because you didn’t know that it would be one of the best thing that will ever happen or you were just too busy waiting for other things that will blow your mind. Everything makes sense if you were just not too busy… thinking other things at that moment. You’ll realize wisdom and wonder is everywhere.

Because just like happiness and joys, the simplest meanings too, are everywhere… but none of us will ever have a clue.

* * * * *
So it was around 6:30 pm… or somewhere just before quarter. I was sitting on the bed, browsing on some papers and these documents I was told to find, inside my room. My four year-old cousin, who’s always at our house while his parents are at work, was playing outside… So I was sort of busy browsing through these papers and left the door open. He happened to pass by in my room on the way to the kitchen (gotta drink some water, I guess)… He stopped on my door and asked, “I thought you said you don’t like the light because you always like to be in the dark, then why do you have the lights turned on now?” I was absolutely caught off-guard. I stopped on my tracks… literally stopped what I’m doing and turned to him. I don’t know what to say; this kid just surprised me, I was stunned. I. Was. Blown. Away. If he’s an adult, I’d probably reply something like, ‘Obviously, I was searching for something and I need the light to see it.’ But then he’s a kid, and he had definitely said something that I didn’t even remember I told him. So to my surprise, I asked back instead. When he’s about to walk away… I said, “Wait, come back here..” He turned around, I asked and I was like, “Huh? How did you know, who told you that?” And he said, “It was you” and I asked, “Huh? When?” And he said, “A long ago, already”. And just. Like. That.

Wow, what? It’s unbelievable. This kid actually know I am nyctophile. No one even knows, not even my friends, for sure. Well, I guess I bet they don’t. I thought the only person that knows I love to be in the dark is me. Until someone surprised me. Someone told me he knows I don’t like the light; and the fact that it’s from a child is quite… amazing.

I didn’t really know I told him such… I really can’t remember when was that time I ever said it to him or why. I have no idea. I don’t even remember I told him something like that. Ughh.. I can’t even. But I have to remember. And so I spent the rest of my night asking myself when was it, or how and why. That I ended up writing this and making it a blog subject, instead. Well, as you can see. This kid’s been bugging me out and I keep on asking myself; keep trying to remember… that I decided maybe one time he asked me why I don’t turn the lights on and I answered: “because I like it when it’s dark”, and he remembered that. Or maybe he just noticed that my room’s always dark and I don’t really use the lights so much that he’s always scared to come in. Maybe that’s when he asked me, and then I told him and he remembered it from then on. Or yeah, maybe one of those conclusions.

It does really make sense.

The way he said it so very spontaneously… the way he answered that it was actually just me, who’d ever told him. And oh, the way he said it was a long time ago. Already. It’s been… what? Yeah, a long ago… And the fact that it’s been a long while, yet he can still remember and slapped it on my face. Jeez, makes me wonder. It made me think. It even made me stopped on my tracks. Shook the hell out of me. It even left me speechless for a moment, not knowing what to say.

I think it’s the little things… after all.

It’s really just the small things that matter to me. I guess maybe that is why I don’t feel that one big moment kind of happiness… is because I took pleasure in little happiness in those small joys. The small joys in life. It means so much to me. Those small joys that no one even see; or almost never notice. Those small joys that they seem to take for granted… those little things that they do that means a lot to me, but didn’t know it… but I do. Those little things that can also bring them joy yet they didn’t care… They don’t notice them; but I do.

Maybe I’ve just become too overwhelmed… that someone I’d never expected, knows something about me, and remembers it. It means he simply paid attention. I don’t know, but my small joys come from something like that. It comes from realization, epiphany… Wonder and wisdom… and the like. The thought that I learned a lot, not to mention –from a kid, or from the situation… it really makes me wonder… It, however, had given me a sense of meaning. It gives me satisfaction… knowing that sometimes wisdom is just around us. You don’t really have to explain it, it’s just there; and it had made you realize something. It made you learn something again and it made something inside of you comes back alive.

Because it wasn’t really just about the question or the words itself… Sometimes, it’s about the story behind it. More of like, how something’s (I know, nonsensical to others and doesn’t really make any sense and I can still try to explain it but I don’t have to) really simple, or to others, ‘petty’ can actually, rather blow your mind away and suddenly, it gives you something else. It’s that something that somewhat ‘made sense’… It gives you a slice of meaning; though sometimes hidden… it’s still there, lurking in subtleness. It’s the one thing we always seem to miss out the most.

I know I don’t have to say it, I can’t even.

But I think, it’s the one thing they won’t understand and you can’t explain, either. Or at least, unless they feel it themselves or experienced the same thing. And when it finally occurs to them, it’s the one thing that we can’t deny.

It’s the meaning.