Briefly Love Story

10th June, 2016 • 4:54pm

Advertisements

Do you still remember,
When we float into the air,
And left our breath somewhere

Do you remember?
When you told me to look at the view,
But I was looking at you

Do you still remember,
The day I can’t forget
When you told me to smile, and I told you I can’t

Do you remember?
When we swam into the sea,
I was afraid to get drowned; but you’d never let me down

Do you still remember,
When the wind blew so cold that night,
We looked up above; and gaze at the starlight

Do you remember?
When we were outside; the sky was so bright..
You came closer to me, and you hold me so tight

Do you still remember,
When I looked into your eyes,
I came off a little shy; and you said it’s alright

Do you remember?
When the rain pours heavily that day..
You faced me and said, it’s not time for you to say

Do you still remember,
When I think I might just fall..
But didn’t wanna get hurt at all,

Do you remember?
When you said to me, “don’t worry”
Because you’ll be there for me,

Do you still remember,
When we tripped and fall; and we realized
It was Love, after all

Do you remember?
When you told me you Love me,
You’ll never break my heart, that’s what you promised me.

But do you still remember..
All those times you said you’d always stay with me..
Because that’s how much you love me

You said,
you’ll never leave.
But, baby

You just did

To Occult Oneself

To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself. To live. To be. To become free…

October 5, 2016 • 4:35pm

I wish to unlearn the things I didn’t want to know. To forget the things I didn’t want to see; and the feelings I didn’t intend to convey. I wanted to save my heart, (if that was even possible) in the first place. I didn’t intend to know the truth about life… And these, unlikely lessons I’ve learned… I wish to get off of my mind. But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know… deep, beneath my dilapidated, and teneous soul… Reality will always come hovering to me; with its bitter sensation that even if I badly wanted to dream, I will wake up in its cold arms… Reminding me that I was once a Dreamer, but the world is a great mess that I had to become a Realist.

I wanted to… I wanted to shroud myself, if I was able to. To shelter my heart; and let it be. Even if it means being naive. I used to know what innocence was. I knew it the moment I realized I am no longer… It was like being a kid, accidentally witnessing the war in the battleground… with so much wound… and blood.. and casualties. It was like… it was like instantaneously taking away the humanity in you,– the humanity out of you; right in front of your very eyes. It was like stealing your very own freedom from you; stealing your chance to live a peaceful life. — Your one and only life… Taking away that chance to live in your own truth, — the truth you thought was true, instead of slapping reality to you. The life you chose to live… The truth you choose to believe. Let me believe a lie, instead. — I’d probably say. I wanted to conceal, to cover, and hide myself away from all of it… I’d protect myself from it — I really would. If only I could.

I… by all means, would really hide myself away from the world had I had the chance to. But it’s as if you could really hide away from Life. You cannot escape life, I’d known it by now, at least. No matter how much you run; or where you run to, it cannot leave you. And I know, deep in your heart… you are screaming, and crying out for help. Because I do, too. There are days when I do not know what to do… I do not know what happened; I do not know what will… I do not understand a thing. And I just keep sinking… and sinking… Until nobody can reach me. There are days like that… where I just keep on floating… and drifting away; I do not know how. But I just… — all I wanna do was stop. Breathing. And existing. I want to disappear. I want to go away. Far… far away… – where no one can reach me. No one can know me. No one can see me. — Because that’s me. That’s who I am. And I am alone. Sometimes I wish I’m not; but I am. I wanted to be gone, but I can’t.– I do not know how. 

And I know what’s next. I know just how it’s gonna be. I’d wish… and wish I hadn’t known a thing. About life… about the world… and everything in it… How fleeting life can be… How much pain you will bear… How many people will leave… How much everything can change; how much everything is… How much lie can sustain the truth… How much of yourself you will leave behind; how many pieces of you can you lost… How much everything can go wrong… And how much of it was your own fault. How much people can die from such unwanted tragedy; how much life can be wasted. Yeah, just things like that. I’d wish. And wish. But no amount of wishes can ever grant you the truth or the lie you wanted. Reality is here, and it’s what will stay. It’s what will remain at the end of the day.

And reality, no matter how much can suck, is what will be there for you… even if it’s not what you wanted. Even if all you wanted was to live your own fantasy and stay there; reality will wake you. And Life, no matter how cruel, is something you will have to live, and have to deal with the most. — it’s what will subsist. 

And even though painful, realization is what will last forever. Something that’s real…  Something we did not thought can be. Something that hurts… Something that will wound us profoundly; something… that will scar us forever. Something that’s epiphany. 

I wish I could go back… And unseen what I have happened to see… To turn back time… To turn everything back and become okay again. –To make everything okay again. — To finally be okay again. I wish to unfelt everything… I have ever felt; to take off all the feelings I had to bear but did not choose to. To unlearn those things I did not ever mean to know. To… to become unmindful, perhaps, — of this becoming of the world that I hadn’t even planned. To become free of all this grown-up shits.

To become innocent again. To become free of all this misery. To become unaware; instead of always trying to go back to the past and wishing things didn’t happened. To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself.

To live. To be. To become free…

Transient Memories

Transient moments. But so are memories. Catch the moments; and keep the memories. We should start living in “nows”.

August 4, 2016 • 1am

​As we take on the journey of going away… we take those memories with us. – Scraps of memory that makes it whole. Flashes of the places you’ve seen; the presence of the places you’ve been… The faces you’ve seen; the strangers you met… The people you had known along the way; and along the journey.

Our memories contain every little thing of what we know; and what we knew. Every little bits of what happened; every little significant moment. Flashes of smiles… sound of the voices… echoes of laughter… The atmosphere of the place..– the sight; the aura. And the smell. — specially the smell. Well I don’t know about you, or if it’s just me, but… I sometimes find a certain smell very significant at some very eloquent point. For me tho, the sense of smell is… very nostalgic.– Perhaps the most nostalgic next to sound. (Have you ever experienced that? — You smelled something, and suddenly it felt some sort of déjà vu? Suddenly it reminds you of something that smells like something else… and it brings back a thousand memories. Or… does that even make sense to you? Okay so maybe not, but for me it does tho. So…)

But then you won’t remember everything. You won’t remember everything you’ve seen; nor everything you heard. You can’t remember all of it. But you will remember what you felt. You’ll remember what you felt at that very moment. How amused you were… or how happy you had been that day. You’ll remember the rush you’ve felt… or even the anxiety you’ve had. 

But I guess our brains automatically throw away trashes that are never needed… It automatically washes away the junks and dirt that can clog the space for the nice and good ones. –Good memories that are yet to come; and yet to be kept. And I guess it’s a good thing, after all. Automatically leave the unwanted and replace by the good ones.

I don’t remember everything… But I do remember, indeed. I remember scenes on that precise moment.. that are now belong to the past. It’s crazy tho, trying to recall it all… It all seemed as though it happened only yesterday, it always felt like it. Things always turn out like that. It. Always. Does. You remember them one moment, and suddenly it’s pouring down on you like a goddamn waterfall. And it’s actually rather nostalgic, no matter how random. Not because you wanted to go back but because it’s just there; sucking the life out of you. You’ll remember how many things had happened from then on… how much has changed, how long it had actually been when it still feels like only yesterday. You’ll remember how fast things can happen… how fast things can change. And you’ll remember where you are. And it’s just crazy, but as long as it reminds you of some happy moments; no matter how seldom,– it somehow becomes ‘worth it’. Because it’s something to treasure, at the end of the day, — maybe even at the end of time. It is still worth remembering. You won’t remember everything but you get to keep some of those that are worth saving in your heart,– if not in mind.

Our life moves in a constant oscillation; and I sometimes get shocked with that, every time I think of it. Our life moves past our very eyes without us, –even noticing almost anything… but the moment we sit in silence; and in total darkness… we’d only then realize that everything has changed. Everything is happening and it feels like you’re not doing anything. Our lives move as much as our planet does; I sometimes wonder how we deal with that. With the fact that… one day feels exactly as another; but then you’ll look back and realize that a lot has changed. Everything is happening all at once and you can’t keep up with everything. We are dealing with life by keeping ourselves busy. — eagerly convincing ourselves that, we do really have a life. We keep ourselves sane by pushing our anxieties away and keeping our minds on track. Even when we’re most likely aware; but prefer to be just oblivious… Even when we know that we are in fact, on the verge of insanity. — Or better yet, we already are; but just hated to admit it. We don’t admit that we are crazy when the truth is, everything makes you crazy. — Everything – happening all at once. Everything – passing through. Everything – falling apart. Just that… Everything. Everything makes you crazy. And everything makes you wanna run away and leave this world. — Perhaps escaping this mundane world and live on another star.

But all we have is moments. And memories. And it’s all we’ll ever have.– One moment at a time. I’d love to say, — a beautiful life, and a fairy tale, and a beautiful story… but I’m afraid, it’s all we’ve got. Moments come with us in a very ephemeral way. In such a way that almost like a touch of a wind; a momentary chilling breeze… or like a falling leaves in the autumn season. And I think that we should catch some; if we get some. — Bring it home, and keep it within the pages of your favorite book, or perhaps your most precious journal.

Moments are worthwhile in itself, not because it’s fleeting but because it’s all just passing through; you can’t catch some, without letting go of some. You get to decide what to pick; you choose what to get.

We can’t take everything in us. We can’t keep everything in our memory. But we can always remember how we felt.

Our feelings never forget.

Constant Melancholia

You thought emptiness is safe, you thought emptiness means not having to feel anything at all. You thought emptiness is numbness. But it’s not.

July 14, 2017 • 1am

I don’t know why, but there really comes a time like this… where I just feel really empty. Not knowing why; nor how… My mind just takes me into this seemingly familiar, yet lonely state. Or perhaps my heart does. Or, my soul maybe? There goes that kind of time again where all of a sudden, I feel so lost in the middle of the night… While the rest of the world falls asleep; and where everything seems to be so calm… and peaceful. And where all I was supposed to do was to rest my mind, and ease my soul… but where my heart felt otherwise. There’s that feeling again, that I’m suddenly so lost. And wandering. In the middle of the night. Or that same toxic sensation where I strongly felt that I had just lost something..

Something so precious. Something very important.

And then it won’t cease. And until I’ve gone mad again… –it just wouldn’t stop. It’s ruthless. I felt so powerless– so powerless over it. Can’t even do anything when all I wanted to do was to scream. And not being able to just adds to yet another feeling of desperation. And helplessness. It’s so frustrating. It keeps on making you remember something that felt like happened a century ago… Happened a long time ago… Something, — something that’s already been forgotten, but hurts still when remembered. A pang of something that aches. Of something that lives inside you… and it rests right into your chest. And there, it resides very coolly. Something so nameless, yet so powerful… and painful. Something that’s hard to forget, but even harder to remember. 

There goes that feeling again where it’ll make you feel like you have to know the answer; you have to find something. That something you don’t even know the name. That something you do not even know what to call. But it just aches there; inside your chest. Something you can’t… comprehend. Something so far… far away, yet felt so near. Something that causes you too much nostalgia. Something that never really goes away and keep giving you constant melancholy. It’s just there. It never really goes away. Not after you cried your heart out. Not even after a river of tears. Yes, –not even after crying senselessly. Hopelessly. Helplessly. That pointless and nameless tears you don’t even have an idea what for. It’s just frustrating as hell. You’re crying for no reason. Crying for nothing. You’ve always been a fool like that. It’s so exhausting. Nights always seemed to gone by like this. Without any warning, without any further sign, suddenly you are being dragged in some kind of otherworlds. Where everything is all about sadness, pain, melancholia… nostalgia, and despair…. — Also known as memories

Everything is just… unclear. But you feel it all too well. – all too well. The emptiness? Oh, you’ll never know how much the emptiness hurt; Until you feel that lump in your throat suddenly choking you… Or that pain in the chest you feel when you swallowed the coffee suddenly, not knowing it’s still too hot. Or maybe you know that feeling of drowning? You keep on kicking; keep on trying to hold onto something but there is nothing to hold on to. And you just keep on sinking… and sinking. You thought emptiness is safe, you thought emptiness means not having to feel anything at all. You thought emptiness is numbness. But it’s not. I hope it is; I hope it was. I hope it was that easy to deal with it.– Hold your breath, this is going to be painless because you’ll no longer feel anything.

But the opposite always happens. It is always the contrary of it all… Ironic, just like life. Too cunning to even notice at first, but that is just the way it goes. You thought it’s going to be forgiving, going to be a little easier than it used to. Until you realize it was unbearable. Until you feel it, and know it all. Emptiness is the kind of pain you don’t even believe at first… But it will wreck your mind and kill your soul. It’ll burn you, destroy you in the most subtle way possible. — The kind that’ll take away your sanity. It will leave you nothing… but emptiness. The kind of pain where you just stare into space, not knowing what to do; let alone have an idea what’s going on. The kind where you just kind of drift… here and there; Floating in the middle of nowhere. It’s something like that. It’s as though you’re under a blackspell… where you can’t do anything but you feel it. You feel it all…

And all you can do was endure.

There’s that kind of awful feeling again where I’m faced with these unknown melancholy. Where I felt like searching… Searching for something that cannot be found. That same old frustrating sensation where it almost felt like grieving for something; for someone, that went away. Someone who left without a single word and without any trace. The kind of loneliness where you’re not necessarily sad, but you just felt dying inside. That unending pain you never understand where it’s coming from; or when it would stop. Or whether or not it would. It actually hurts like hell. Because you don’t understand a thing and you just keep dying and dying. You just keep feeling it all when all you wanna do was to stop feeling that way. Slowly, but surely… you are getting empty inside. That desperate moment where you just can’t help but wonder; trying to find an answer… but then there is nothing. And it hurts because you can’t make something out of nothing. And in the end… somewhere along the way, you just let the time decide and surrender it all in its own hands… And you let the night claim you because one way or the other; you still lose your mind in the process.

It’s always been like that for me. Just like tonight. Trying to write this, trying to make up what it is. Trying to make sense of what’s going on; what’s happening… But in the end, that feeling of loss, pain… and oppression of something that I’ve lost; something that I’ve left behind…

It always goes down to one thing.

One person. One subject.

— One girl.

I’ve lost myself.

Therapeutic Sea

“And though the waves keep pushing you aside, you know your feet won’t just give up to keep you afloat… And in that moment… somehow, that was enough.”

July 4, 2016 • 10:16pm

Swimming in the sea makes me feel wild and free…

In a sense that the horizon is infinite; there are no barriers around you. No walls to restrain, or trammel you; or will hinder you to go elsewhere. There was no boundaries that confines you; nor hedges to constrain you. There seem to be no limitations in everything. You can do whatever you want, there are no strings or clips that will pin you down. The view is endless. And so the possibilities are boundless. You know you’re in the widest, huge space spot and that no one can reach you nor drag you. You feel like you’re all alone and the whole view is all yours; the place is yours. Yours. And nobody else’s. And then you just feel amazingly free; and though the waves keep pushing you aside, you know your feet won’t just give up kicking and you keep on swimming to stay afloat… Fighting every wave that comes your way… you continue to swim and carry on. 

And in that moment, somehow, that was enough.

Unrecognizable Pain 

You’re so used to it but you feel it anyway. You’ve prepared yourself for it, but it still hurts you anyway.

July 3, 2016 · 5:23pm

So now that you know something is likely to happen… Something, is actually going to happen. And you’re trying to prepare yourself for it –or for the worse, rather. You’re preparing for it, and how it will feel like when it comes… You’re practicing like, “this is it… this is how it’s going to feel like..” But then again, when it finally comes right down to you… It will always hurt like hell. Like more than what you thought it ever could… And you will feel as if you’ve never even expected it at all; as if you’ve never prepared for it, when the fact is, you knew it all along. –You knew it from the start. You knew all about it ever since; and from the very beginning… But it’ll go as if you’ve never even had any idea… when you thought you’ve been quite used to it. Immune, even. It’ll always feel like that fresh wound you get whenever you fall on your knees. It’ll feel so raw… So new, and almost foreign. It’ll feel so different… as if you’ve never even felt it before. You’ll never gonna be ready enough; or prepared enough. Or even numb enough to feel the pain. Pain is going to be felt no matter what. It persists; so you see. You wouldn’t even believe how much unrecognizable it’ll going to feel like when it’s actually quite familiar… Because you thought you’ve prepared yourself for it, you thought you’re numb. But here it comes again… And there you go again, never gonna be ready enough for it.

And that is how the pain works. No matter how much you thought you’d been exposed to it– so much, it’ll be that unrecognizable thing when it finally gets back to you. As if you never even knew it to begin with. As if you’ve never had, never experienced, and never have met it before. When in fact, it is what life meant you. It demands to be felt… As John Green would put it. Because it does. And because truth is, it’s going to be there, no matter how much you decide you knew it. No matter how much you proclaim… no matter how much you tell yourself and convince yourself that it’s okay, you’re used to it anyway, you’re immune to it, it’s gonna be fine this time around. But it does not. It doesn’t become fine just because you say so. It’s not gonna be like that; not at all gonna turn out as easy as that. Because no matter how much you thought you’re numb enough, it’s always gonna be there when it decides to. Because pain is pain. And it’s supposed to be felt. Just like happiness, just like anger, or even emptiness. That is how we live… — we feel, even if we no longer want to.  We live in order to feel; we feel because we live… or vice versa. It’s just the way our life is… I guess. You’re so used to it, but you feel it anyway. You’ve prepared yourself for it, but it still hurts you anyway.

We are perceiving pain… in so many ways; or so many levels. And we take it just the same. It hits us… and we get, and take it as it is. Pain. We thought we’d never ever feel it again, at least differently, for we’ve felt it far too many times before. We’re so over it; we’ve had enough. And it’s now part of us, or we’re part of it. It’s just the same, and we’re stronger than ever. It’s no big deal at all. And we’re here, yet again, to face it. It’s okay, it’s nothing. But then… but then when it finally gets back to you again, it’d be unmistakable. It’s pain. The pain we thought would never hurt us, or affect us, or sway us again. The pain that we thought we remember, and knew all too well… It’s unmistakably pain yet again. Pain… Ah, that unmistakable feeling!

It’ll always feel as fresh as new.

And I guess… I guess, or at least I’d like to think that… it is something that’s made for us to recognize happiness when it finally comes our way. To become desperate enough of wanting not to feel… and then something very nice, something that really feels so good comes along again and suddenly we don’t want it to stop. We just want to feel that way forever that we just wanna keep it in our hearts. At least, that kind of possibilities… 

And I, for one, think that… we’re all somehow waiting for that. For that kind of moment to pass… To meet our path… To come our way; to wander on our direction at least once. Or for happiness to finally turn our way; to go this way; instead of going there where we cannot reach it… If it would just give us a chance; a one rare shot… Our lives would not only become beautiful, but maybe even so much more meaningful and significant. Life would be better that way, if I say so myself. Because we are, at the end of the day… all empty and lost souls yearning for that seldom moment.

Or so I thought.

Writing Resolution

Because pain isn’t supposed to be just pain. It has to be something more than that.

December 16, 2016 · 4:03pm

I write.

Because if I don’t write, then what would be the point of pain? I feel like life was giving me some kind of poetry… and it is my duty to unveil it. And I don’t mean to share it; most of the time… I want to keep it only to myself. But then sometimes, it also feels like… I’m keeping something that wasn’t truly meant to be kept unknown; and unheard of… But to be discovered, and unbosom… to touch others; to help reach others by words,– if not by hand. It was made to conform. I feel as if… there is some secret message behind it, — a silver lining, after all. To make them feel that they aren’t completely alone. To make them realize that… there is someone, somewhere out there, who also feels the same way. That they have someone they can relate to… Somebody they can understand themselves with. To let them feel something. Not just to let them merely read the words. Because poetry is an art; and art, certainly, always supposed to mean something. Or even something else, and something more than what you can see. It isn’t just a prosaic combination of words, that were put aligned together… with a mere rhyming sound of each syllables. No, it’s got to be something more than that, and we have to get a little deeper to get there. And most likely, that’s when we go Anon. To give them the message without risking revealing your demure self that lives inside you. The one who does not have the courage to stand up and speak. But the words are there. As well as the paper; and the pen. Words that even though shallow; and even though simple… still have made you feel something, or that it had meant something. No matter how inferior, and defeated it may appeal… Or how mediocre it may seem, than intended to be… or is supposed to be. At least, it became something. It is something. Something that’s worldly; something like epiphany… 

Because pain isn’t supposed to be just pain. It has to be something more than that.