Emptiness, I guess…

We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life; surrender to our own questions… issues, and doubts… We give in to life itself.

Advertisements

January 27, 2017 · 1:58am

Sometimes we seemed okay… and we look fine. And everything seems to be just fine…

Until at some point, something hits you and you feel incomplete. You don’t feel whole at all. It’s just that… you’re suddenly feeling empty, and it surely felt like something was missing. Something went missing. It’s so strange; everything doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like something’s not right; something was gone. Like… there’s something wrong.

We learn to live a life full of changes. No, I mean… we learn to live and understand that everything change.– and that includes our Life.

We are left on our own. With so many questions that’s ever more baffling than before. We usually pass up, without even understanding a thing… and then eventually give up. We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life… surrender to our own questions; surrender to all the issues, and doubts. We give in. We… inevitably let it all go for sure. Let it go when we couldn’t grasp our own reality anymore. When we couldn’t hold onto our dreams any longer because it just seems so… unreal. –Ideal. We let go when we can no longer make ourselves believe. Our dreams were perfect, but we’re not. We, by all means, learn that maybe dreaming was just for kids. Oh, the perks of growing up. Or, should I say “downside”?

We are waiting for the answers that will never come.

We continue to seek… and try to find these answers we badly needed to know. And then we consistently ask questions, after questions… That leads into yet another question we could never ever get an answers for. Not even a single one. And frustrating enough, we just can’t stop questioning everything. But answers don’t seem to come easily… while questions were pouring profusely down on us like a fire bullets. It doesn’t seemed to have a sort of cessation.

It’s just that, not everything is all about the answers. But answer is something that counts. It’s something that we need. It’s the only thing that will make our sense to the world. Or, the only thing that would make sense to us in this world. We need answers just as much as we need to live, and breathe. It is something that gives sense to us; it is something that gives us meaning. But it seems to me that… questions were more likely to be served upon us than it is the other way ’round…

Until we eventually doubt everything. We could no longer believe at anything anymore. Because we can’t forever hold onto questions; we can’t trust every sign. We need something more substantial. We need something… real. Something genuine. We need some proof.

But it’s as if life really gives you a proof.

We hadn’t even been given any reason. Not choices anyway. Hell, we hardly even had a little clue. But we cannot hold onto something that’s fleeting… We wanted certainty. But the world has no guarantee if…– everything about it is.. passing through. We cannot ask for it to give us a steadfast life; and a certain reason, when all it knows was changes…

We cannot demand such delusional mirage from something cryptic like Life.

And then we drift, and we roll… and tried everything we could just to get that only one answer we constantly long for. And yet, all we found was nothing. There is nothing. But why the hell does it still have to feel like there has to be something? That there is always something. Something between the lines… There’s something that we can find from behind the walls… from behind the bars… from behind the ruins… from behind the iron gates. From beyond our very own walls.

Because we always feel like there’s something. That there must be something. There is something here for us… Something we can find.. Something we can have… Even something we can own, eventually. There’s always this something…-an urge. An urge to know… The urge to believe. The urge to hope for more… for something. Something that we could never even figure out. And then we end up longing. Longing for something we do not even know… Something we’ve never had. Something we cannot have.

From behind, and beyond the unknown.

Why the hell does it have to feel like there is something to be found behind the unknown?– If you just gotta believe, and be courageous enough to go through it… Or to be eager enough; and be determined enough to want to know. To learn… That’s what I don’t understand about the human life. I don’t understand why everything has to appear so simple, when everything was nothing but complicated. Why does it have to look, and to sound so easy and simple?  Why does it have to pretend to be something it’s not? Why does it even have to fool us? Or, — is it really worth it?

It’ll make you feel like you have to be brave, and face everything… because there is something so precious that’s waiting for you on the other side. Just go, do it. Have courage and do something because life will surely guaranty you for it; for your act of bravery. Like it’ll reward you for striving really hard.

And then we, fool people that we are, of course follow the path. And in the end, there is nothing. It made us feel like there is something waiting for us at the end of the line… and then we held onto it. And we strongly believed that there has to be… there has something in there. That it was true,–there really is something, after all. Something so real… something so marvelous. Something brilliant. And then we get there, and there was nothing. It’s empty. Until we find ourselves on the very same void that we had created, and imagined… Quite similar to the only thing that we found. Empty.

We continue being victimized by our own life. We continue gathering the answers… that we never got. I guess there really is just one certain answer, after all.

Emptiness.

The Unlikely Christmas

But Life goes on. Life is just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. We have to move on. We have to keep moving on even if it means crawling.

Dec. 27, 2016 • 7pm

It’s been two, three, four years… No. It’s probably been five years.

It was the same date. The same place, the same foods,– even the same people.

It was the same Christmas Eve. It was the same time of the year. But something about it…makes it feel just…a little different. No, — a whole lot different, actually. I don’t know, but everything’s the same… Even the same smell, the same ambiance, the same aura. But something has changed. But no, — everything. Everything has changed. And I’m going mad. But I’m always mad.

Okay, this makes no sense.

I was caught up in my own thoughts that I could not even fathom quite lightly. I’m making it hard for myself when I’m trying to figure out the unfathomable.

It was so ruthless of time to leave us all behind, — all the time. It’s like, we’re running with it,– running so fast; just so we could keep up with it. Keep up with time. But no amount of energy, speed, and even power could ever keep up with time. We’re no match with it. We’re always in haste; always in a hurry, — at work, school, even growing up… We wanted to do everything in haste; to do it quick and fast, just so we could buy more time, and extra time for ourselves, the ones we love, and everything else. And just like what The Flash has taught me: Time is our common enemy.

But it’s as if something will ever change if we blame it.

It just sucks…to think how unfair the time is. How actually, unfair everything is. We are walking around here, thinking we have more time; but little did we know that time never stops. Not even a second. Not even when you’re happy; not even when you’re broke. It just smacks you on the face and then… Ta-daah! Your time is up.

And then the moment when the time and change finally decided to have a joined forces… That’s it. You’re dead. Because what else can you do against the force of nature? We all knew we can never do anything about it. Most likely, we just float around…and we just let the wind take us; wait for it to decide. It doesn’t matter where you wanna go; because it would be nothing anyway. In the end, it wouldn’t really matter whether or not you wanted to go elsewhere. Life, time, and change were the ones to follow.

Sometimes, I even feel like we’re just puppets. Like some kind of marionettes. Just hanging up there…waiting for the next pull of their strings. We do not own anything. We’re all caught up in a same thought that we actually own something; but we don’t. We fall apart; we’d be lost, and then we’d fade. We would fade away… I mean, just like that?

I mean, it’s just crazy how the time and change can be. But Life goes on. — that’s what they say. That’s what they always say. But what are we gonna do if things were not the way they used to be anymore? We cry? We fall apart; we move on? But of course. Life is just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. There’s no other way to move past life. We have to keep moving on even if it means crawling.

We can’t do anything about the force of nature; or the force of fate. We have nothing to do against it. But we can at least hope, and pray for something. Even if we do not know what it is; even if we do not know what for.

And then I realized that…it’s not actually everything — that seems to change. Not exactly. It was actually me… who’s changed quite a bit. I’m the one who’s been different.

I’m not the same person who’s walking in..