Unpredictability is what Makes Me

I am a mix of every bits of unexpected things together and no one understands it… not even me.


Oct. 19, 2016 • 2:14am

My unpredictability is what makes me..

I am a mix of every shapes… and hue there is. Every burst of colors… every splatter of the ink. Every thunderstorm; and rainbows. Every wave of the sea… –and blow of the wind. And every kind of calmness and chaos there is. I am a mix of every bits of unexpected things together and no one understands it… not even me.

–Not even me..

A Life in Camouflage

The thing about chameleoning your life is that, –you can’t stick with the truth; and what is real.

Oct. 11, 2016 • 12:14am

The thing about chameleoning your life is that, –you can’t stick with the truth; and what is real. You can’t wake up to reality while keeping your eyes closed and pretend to be dreaming… You cling into this illusion that what’s happening around is alright; and that everything’s okay. You can’t accept it when it’s not. You blend into things and convince yourself that everything is as it seems. When you know the very real thing; you just won’t bite into it. And you continue being a victim by your own pretensions and a great talent.

To Occult Oneself

To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself. To live. To be. To become free…

October 5, 2016 • 4:35pm

I wish to unlearn the things I didn’t want to know. To forget the things I didn’t want to see; and the feelings I didn’t intend to convey. I wanted to save my heart, (if that was even possible) in the first place. I didn’t intend to know the truth about life… And these, unlikely lessons I’ve learned… I wish to get off of my mind. But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know… deep, beneath my dilapidated, and teneous soul… Reality will always come hovering to me; with its bitter sensation that even if I badly wanted to dream, I will wake up in its cold arms… Reminding me that I was once a Dreamer, but the world is a great mess that I had to become a Realist.

I wanted to… I wanted to shroud myself, if I was able to. To shelter my heart; and let it be. Even if it means being naive. I used to know what innocence was. I knew it the moment I realized I am no longer… It was like being a kid, accidentally witnessing the war in the battleground… with so much wound… and blood.. and casualties. It was like… it was like instantaneously taking away the humanity in you,– the humanity out of you; right in front of your very eyes. It was like stealing your very own freedom from you; stealing your chance to live a peaceful life. — Your one and only life… Taking away that chance to live in your own truth, — the truth you thought was true, instead of slapping reality to you. The life you chose to live… The truth you choose to believe. Let me believe a lie, instead. — I’d probably say. I wanted to conceal, to cover, and hide myself away from all of it… I’d protect myself from it — I really would. If only I could.

I… by all means, would really hide myself away from the world had I had the chance to. But it’s as if you could really hide away from Life. You cannot escape life, I’d known it by now, at least. No matter how much you run; or where you run to, it cannot leave you. And I know, deep in your heart… you are screaming, and crying out for help. Because I do, too. There are days when I do not know what to do… I do not know what happened; I do not know what will… I do not understand a thing. And I just keep sinking… and sinking… Until nobody can reach me. There are days like that… where I just keep on floating… and drifting away; I do not know how. But I just… — all I wanna do was stop. Breathing. And existing. I want to disappear. I want to go away. Far… far away… – where no one can reach me. No one can know me. No one can see me. — Because that’s me. That’s who I am. And I am alone. Sometimes I wish I’m not; but I am. I wanted to be gone, but I can’t.– I do not know how. 

And I know what’s next. I know just how it’s gonna be. I’d wish… and wish I hadn’t known a thing. About life… about the world… and everything in it… How fleeting life can be… How much pain you will bear… How many people will leave… How much everything can change; how much everything is… How much lie can sustain the truth… How much of yourself you will leave behind; how many pieces of you can you lost… How much everything can go wrong… And how much of it was your own fault. How much people can die from such unwanted tragedy; how much life can be wasted. Yeah, just things like that. I’d wish. And wish. But no amount of wishes can ever grant you the truth or the lie you wanted. Reality is here, and it’s what will stay. It’s what will remain at the end of the day.

And reality, no matter how much can suck, is what will be there for you… even if it’s not what you wanted. Even if all you wanted was to live your own fantasy and stay there; reality will wake you. And Life, no matter how cruel, is something you will have to live, and have to deal with the most. — it’s what will subsist. 

And even though painful, realization is what will last forever. Something that’s real…  Something we did not thought can be. Something that hurts… Something that will wound us profoundly; something… that will scar us forever. Something that’s epiphany. 

I wish I could go back… And unseen what I have happened to see… To turn back time… To turn everything back and become okay again. –To make everything okay again. — To finally be okay again. I wish to unfelt everything… I have ever felt; to take off all the feelings I had to bear but did not choose to. To unlearn those things I did not ever mean to know. To… to become unmindful, perhaps, — of this becoming of the world that I hadn’t even planned. To become free of all this grown-up shits.

To become innocent again. To become free of all this misery. To become unaware; instead of always trying to go back to the past and wishing things didn’t happened. To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself.

To live. To be. To become free…

Emptiness, I guess…

We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life; surrender to our own questions… issues, and doubts… We give in to life itself.

January 27, 2017 · 1:58am

Sometimes we seemed okay… and we look fine. And everything seems to be just fine…

Until at some point, something hits you and you feel incomplete. You don’t feel whole at all. It’s just that… you’re suddenly feeling empty, and it surely felt like something was missing. Something went missing. It’s so strange; everything doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like something’s not right; something was gone. Like… there’s something wrong.

We learn to live a life full of changes. No, I mean… we learn to live and understand that everything change.– and that includes our Life.

We are left on our own. With so many questions that’s ever more baffling than before. We usually pass up, without even understanding a thing… and then eventually give up. We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life… surrender to our own questions; surrender to all the issues, and doubts. We give in. We… inevitably let it all go for sure. Let it go when we couldn’t grasp our own reality anymore. When we couldn’t hold onto our dreams any longer because it just seems so… unreal. –Ideal. We let go when we can no longer make ourselves believe. Our dreams were perfect, but we’re not. We, by all means, learn that maybe dreaming was just for kids. Oh, the perks of growing up. Or, should I say “downside”?

We are waiting for the answers that will never come.

We continue to seek… and try to find these answers we badly needed to know. And then we consistently ask questions, after questions… That leads into yet another question we could never ever get an answers for. Not even a single one. And frustrating enough, we just can’t stop questioning everything. But answers don’t seem to come easily… while questions were pouring profusely down on us like a fire bullets. It doesn’t seemed to have a sort of cessation.

It’s just that, not everything is all about the answers. But answer is something that counts. It’s something that we need. It’s the only thing that will make our sense to the world. Or, the only thing that would make sense to us in this world. We need answers just as much as we need to live, and breathe. It is something that gives sense to us; it is something that gives us meaning. But it seems to me that… questions were more likely to be served upon us than it is the other way ’round…

Until we eventually doubt everything. We could no longer believe at anything anymore. Because we can’t forever hold onto questions; we can’t trust every sign. We need something more substantial. We need something… real. Something genuine. We need some proof.

But it’s as if life really gives you a proof.

We hadn’t even been given any reason. Not choices anyway. Hell, we hardly even had a little clue. But we cannot hold onto something that’s fleeting… We wanted certainty. But the world has no guarantee if…– everything about it is.. passing through. We cannot ask for it to give us a steadfast life; and a certain reason, when all it knows was changes…

We cannot demand such delusional mirage from something cryptic like Life.

And then we drift, and we roll… and tried everything we could just to get that only one answer we constantly long for. And yet, all we found was nothing. There is nothing. But why the hell does it still have to feel like there has to be something? That there is always something. Something between the lines… There’s something that we can find from behind the walls… from behind the bars… from behind the ruins… from behind the iron gates. From beyond our very own walls.

Because we always feel like there’s something. That there must be something. There is something here for us… Something we can find.. Something we can have… Even something we can own, eventually. There’s always this something…-an urge. An urge to know… The urge to believe. The urge to hope for more… for something. Something that we could never even figure out. And then we end up longing. Longing for something we do not even know… Something we’ve never had. Something we cannot have.

From behind, and beyond the unknown.

Why the hell does it have to feel like there is something to be found behind the unknown?– If you just gotta believe, and be courageous enough to go through it… Or to be eager enough; and be determined enough to want to know. To learn… That’s what I don’t understand about the human life. I don’t understand why everything has to appear so simple, when everything was nothing but complicated. Why does it have to look, and to sound so easy and simple?  Why does it have to pretend to be something it’s not? Why does it even have to fool us? Or, — is it really worth it?

It’ll make you feel like you have to be brave, and face everything… because there is something so precious that’s waiting for you on the other side. Just go, do it. Have courage and do something because life will surely guaranty you for it; for your act of bravery. Like it’ll reward you for striving really hard.

And then we, fool people that we are, of course follow the path. And in the end, there is nothing. It made us feel like there is something waiting for us at the end of the line… and then we held onto it. And we strongly believed that there has to be… there has something in there. That it was true,–there really is something, after all. Something so real… something so marvelous. Something brilliant. And then we get there, and there was nothing. It’s empty. Until we find ourselves on the very same void that we had created, and imagined… Quite similar to the only thing that we found. Empty.

We continue being victimized by our own life. We continue gathering the answers… that we never got. I guess there really is just one certain answer, after all.


A Need for Freedom

…To follow our hearts and let it be. But such is life, and that’s our tragedy. Because life can never give us the most freedom we need, either.

November 20, 2016 · 10:52pm

And then we spend most of our lives thinking we do not have much of a choice; and that we should have more. And we often do the things we do all because we have no other choice, and that we should’ve given more choices… because ‘choice‘ is what we need. –when it’s not. When it’s really not. 

We thought we do not have a choice that’s why life is unfair. But little did we know that choice is not what we even need in the first place. We don’t suffer from the lack of choices or the limitations of our options. Nor we suffer from our own poor choices. We suffer from our own perception of the world and its mechanics of having a life dependent on the choices and boundaries. We say there are no limitations; there are no boundaries. But then we believe in confinement of the given choices. And it’s our predicament to be in such a horrible deliberation of choosing the right one. I guess life is playful that way; unfair, even. But isn’t it, as a matter of fact, a very known reality to each and everyone of us to begin with? It was a given fact. And truth is, we don’t even have a choice in the very beginning. We grab and we take every opportunities; every chances that we can have because it’s hardly given to us. We only choose what’s in front of us; and what’s available. We pick from the given choices thrown upon us because there are no other options. We have to do those things because that’s what we’re supposed to; because it’s necessary. Because we need to, even if it’s not what we want. We have to do it because it’s the only way we see fit. Because we have no other choice. Because it’s what our situation demands. Because it’s what the life asks for.

Life will give us something we can call an “option” or a “choice”… when really, we are left with nothing but the mere chance of doing what’s need to be done. Pick the right one, because it’s how it’s supposed to be. In the end, we fool ourselves by constantly thinking, and believing that choice is something real. That choice is something that we all have. And choosing is something that we do; something that we used to… something we’re supposed to do. So therefore, choice is what need to have more of.

But we have no choice. We lived our lives believing we have that; we thought we had a choice, but we don’t.

Truth is, choice is not what we even need. We do not need choices any more than we need freedom.

What we need is FREEDOM. We need the freedom to choose our own paths; we need the freedom to do what we want and what we love. We need freedom to do things and make things. We need the freedom to make things happen and follow our heart. We need the freedom to dance in the air; and reach the skies. To fly up high, to run away… We should have the freedom to choose what we really want. Not to pick from the limited, constraining choices. We should be able to choose freely. To do freely. Anything and everything, as long as it makes us happy. We should be free from our own mind and our own delusional thoughts that choice is what we need. We don’t have to choose because we can do anything and everything. Why don’t we do that? To be free from everything that’s been tethering us and restraining us from doing what we really wanna do. To follow our hearts and let it be.

But such is life; and that’s our tragedy.

We ravage ourselves so much into thinking we fix up our lives by deciding what is right for us to choose… and pondering it based on the capacity of our own resort, and chosen option. Until we realize there’s a prick of emptiness within us that we hadn’t even notice was there all along. Something that we thought we didn’t feel at all. That feeling we’ve been trying to bury into oblivion all these years. Just so it won’t bother us, and we could be fine again. We thought it will; but it didn’t. We can no longer continue being oblivious because we can’t contain it anymore; we can’t hold it any longer. And we inwardly scream for freedom. We need this freedom of doing what we want and following our hearts. 

Freedom is what we truly need and not a single Choice. We need not any more choice; we need Freedom to do it all. To go beyond the limits and past our boundaries. We should be free to do it all. And it’s really just a shame we don’t realize that. We’re stuck into thinking we have no choice and that we need to have more. And that’s the tragedy of life. 

Because life can never give us the very freedom we need, either.

Impossibility of Discerning Life

It’s so unfair. You have to live the life you don’t understand.

October 7, 2016 • 8:40pm


When I get to think about that word… a roll of thoughts and ideas would come up to me like, it’s some sacred gift from above. Which I think is true, by the way. Sometimes I’d think it’s that something we fight for, something we hold on to; to keep ourselves alive. Other times, it’d feel like it’s a survival for the loses… battling no matter how wounded; no matter how damaged we may seem. Or an interminable war, whether you won…the fight still goes on. But it turns out, there’s more to it than these words; than this perception. Life is unfair. Life is a Mess. Life is a chaos… and everything you thought it can never be. But no matter how much you try to define it, or give all sorts of meaning to it… There’s still something more; and something else to it. I guess, Life is still a mystery, after all. I can never figure it. Even if I ever tried to, I can never fathom this shit out.

But all in all, I think Life is some odd, strange, and heartbreaking process of moving on. Getting lost, moving on, and starting over again. A long path… lonesome, and endless process of moving on. And trying. I guess…

I figured, we spend our life trying. Trying to move on from our loses… from the things we’ve left behind, from the things that has its own end. We spend our life trying to make our self better. Trying to find yourself again and again. Trying to figure out who you are. Even trying to figure out what you want has its own share of challenge to begin with.

Sometimes it felt so pointless.

The weariness of life is boundless but then you have to deal with it like no ordinary person. You even have to be your own hero sometimes. You may complain, but it doesn’t change a thing. One day you love to live, the next day you won’t even want to breathe anymore. Life is a twisted joke. One big lie. One day it’s yours, the next day it’s gone. Turns out, it’s not actually yours, to begin with.

But such is life.

Life is some sort of a wild odyssey. You may live, you may die, you may even gone mad. But then again, you might as well try to learn.

You will lose,– and find again– your sanity. Moreover, our goal is not to win. But to try. To try and try, no matter what. You have to understand that you are not trying in vain. Trying means not giving up, and not giving up means surviving. And surviving means living. No matter how much of a casualty you think you are…you have to keep fighting. You have to live, no matter what the cost; no matter how tragic. No matter how painful…

We have to keep moving on from all the chaos that is thrown upon us. We have to; no matter what. We have to hold on, if necessary. And to let go, when it’s time for us to.

We have to move on even if it means saying goodbye to the very things that made us feel alive. To move on from the places, things…and people that meant the world to us. Move on from happiness that we once had, and gave us the meaning of life. Move on from all the things we do not want to leave; but had to. To move on from the memories that had caused us great happiness…and pain. Move on from the things that are never meant to be yours, no matter how good. No matter how bad. Because we are always going forward and we can never take those things that we touch… And feelings we bear, memories we’ve had. But most of all, we should remember that we can never make temporary people stay in our lives; and our journey.

We need to go on alone if it means our journey is meant to be traveled alone. Without all the temporariness of life itself…

We have to go on wounded, beaten up, and failed. No matter how lost, or weak or helpless. There’s no alibi in life. That’s how unfair it is, I guess. We have to live even if it feels pointless, even if we do not know why. Even if we do not understand its mechanics.

We have to move on and go on with life… Even if we carry around us the wounds that will never heal. Even if we feel lost and incomplete. Even if we have scars that will always ache, –perhaps forever. We have to keep going, no matter what we feel; or even if we do not know where. No questions, no buts.

And even after all these words… I had made up in my mind, to figure what the hell that Life is…

I still do not know what it is.

I still have no idea what truly Life is all about; and is supposed to be. Or what it really means. I’m still nothing but a victim by it…caught up by my own naiveness…my own false idea of it. Made by my own cluelessness and innocence of my mere existence. I’m still as ignorant to Life as can be. So wretched, yet so oblivious. Awfully destructed, yet still so dumb. I’d bet I’ll flow with this life while it’s passing through… And still not know a bit of it. Overly worn out by it, but still quite empty. And what frightens me is that, I’ll continue fading away; declining… without even finding a single answer as to what this life is. Remain victimized by it, and be inadequate all along… To fully wore out and vanish into the void of indifference, and ending up knowing nothing at all.

But I shall know one thing.

Life is unfair. But we have to live with it… We have to live with the fact that we must live even if we don’t understand life. We must continue living even if life doesn’t give us the reason to. We have to wake up to reality that life isn’t all about magic dust and glitters. We will wake up everyday with the bitter realization that life betrayed you because it has given you a false sense of happiness that you thought was true. You will cry, senseless. You’d even cry your heart out until nothing’s left anymore. Until life welcomes you into the whole new world of indifference… Where everything seems to be lethargic and stoic. But you’ll find yourself jaded enough to ever care about anymore. And you are certain that havoc is inevitable.

Life is still, after all, a mystery. Or so I thought. And life is unfair, is all I know. And I guess… we, having to deal with its happenstance and this, so called unfair life… is crucial. No matter how seems to be so pointless.– To not merely exist but also to live. To be able to carry on, no matter how hurt; no matter how numb we become. Because truth is, Life is not fair… and I guess, that’s just how it works. It’s just the way it is. Always has been; and always will be. We have to live with it. To live a life that is never fair… And that’s because maybe, just maybe…

We are meant to live like this.

A False Sense of Equality

Life doesn’t become fair when it’s unfair to everyone else. Life is unfair because it’s what makes the world what it is.

August 26, 2016 • 1:53am

Sometimes you learn a story… and it opens up your mind. And it brought you back to reality that this, this… thing happens in real world. In a world where you live; and yet, you don’t even know it’s actually happening nor you have any idea it does.

It’s just that… it opens up your mind to reality that the world isn’t really fair. No matter how much you try to conceal the truth… it will always come out. The parallel is visible.

Someone once told me that, “Life is unfair to me and you, so therefore, life is fair.” And for a moment, I believed in it. The moment I heard it, it had made me stopped on my tracks… It knocked me off; punched me straight into my face. I was totally caught off-guard. It then made me think of it. It had made me realize. It made me realize that it is, after all, fair.– This life… And I believed in it from then on.

Those phrase really made me think of it since then. A lot. I think of how much I questioned my life and my own fate… And everything around me. It made me think of how much I had actually doubted my life. Really made me think of everything. I thought, how and why did I ever think that life is unfair to me, when really, it is, to everyone else? ‘Life is unfair to me and you, so life is fair’. Those phrase made me realize something and it opened up my eyes. Opened up my mind. And every time I happen to question my life, or my existence… or I’m just simply mad at the world, or a little confuse… I’ll just remember those phrase, and then my fussy-cranky cynical little mind and the bad vibes of sort would just fade away. And I’d say, hey, life is unfair not just to you but also to everyone else around you, and the rest of humanity. And I’ll be like, who am I to complain? And then I’d shut my freaking mouth up for that.

But life is continuous… And you continue to learn.

I realized, there is no such thing as fair in this world. Nothing’s fair, and that’s the bitter truth. — The bitter truth that everyone should learn to accept. The bitter truth about life is that, we have to continue living even if the world isn’t fair. We have to live even if it will cause us more and more pain. We still have to live even if we’re no longer happy with the life that we have. We have to live even if we don’t want to, anymore. We have to live our life even if others do not understand us, and even if we don’t understand ourselves either. Even if we don’t understand a thing or two about this life. We have to continue to pull through even if we don’t know any reason why we have to. It’s like, we’re forced to do the things we don’t want to; forced to accept things even if we can’t. We should continue living even if we really, badly, want to give up.

Even if all we wanna do is to finally quit.

We have to accept things we don’t understand. We have to continue to fight even when you already want to rest. We have to continue what we’re fighting for, even if it hurts… even if we’re tired enough to want to stop. We have to keep holding on even if we already want to let go.– Even if all we really want, and what we really need is to let go. But then we keep on holding on. Just because we should. We have to understamd life full of questions. We have to do it all because we are… What we are, again? Human? Yes, human. Sometimes I almost, always forget what we are. What we really are. Because I feel like we’re just remotely doing things we do, just because we need to. We do things that’s so unlawful to our souls, and our own feelings… but then we have to survive. We have to do things even if it feels so wrong and doesn’t seem right. Because we have to. There are so many memos… and schedule full of deadlines. It sometimes feels like you are doing something you didn’t even filled up for.

I mean… Life isn’t fair. Really. Everyone is not going through a same storm. Not all people is going through something that you’re going through… Some are going through a different difficulties. Some are just having a little bit of trouble while some are going through a tough one. Some are happy and contented; some are choking to death. If you would see… Everyone is struggling; you could really say that everyone has a problem, yeah, of course we all do, but it’s not all the same. The weight is not equal… Not on the same level. Some are almost weightless, while some were trying really hard to lift it up, and some were almost dying… Lying on the ground… still trying to get the burden off their chest just so they could stand up once again. Perhaps even just to breathe a little.

It feels so robotic to know that we do the things we do just because we need to, even if we don’t feel like it. It hurts to know that, actually. That some are happy while some are suffering. Some are hurting while some doesn’t almost know pain. Some have smiles, some even have laughs, while some have tears. It feels so robotic that we do the things we’re all supposed to. We almost do things mechanically… But how the hell do we still feel pain? Because we’re humans? It’s like we’re designed to set aside our feelings and live like a robot. To dismiss every little thing that we feel just so it wouldn’t hurt. And yet, you still have to feel the pain. Doesn’t a robot feel any kind of pain? Or getting sick, or even tired? Ugh. It’s just so unfair.

LIFE IS SO NOT FAIR. But then sometimes you thought you’re miserable, and then you’ll look around and realize how actually lucky you are. You thought that life is unfair to you, and then you’ll look around and it’s hell to somebody.

We’re following the rules of life… We have our own lives– and yet, we can’t even call it our own.

We can’t follow what we feel because we follow the rules of life. But then we have our own lives, too, but this life is unfair.

Have you ever asked yourself that?

Can somebody break the rules?