To Occult Oneself

To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself. To live. To be. To become free…

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October 5, 2016 • 4:35pm

I wish to unlearn the things I didn’t want to know. To forget the things I didn’t want to see; and the feelings I didn’t intend to convey. I wanted to save my heart, (if that was even possible) in the first place. I didn’t intend to know the truth about life… And these, unlikely lessons I’ve learned… I wish to get off of my mind. But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know… deep, beneath my dilapidated, and teneous soul… Reality will always come hovering to me; with its bitter sensation that even if I badly wanted to dream, I will wake up in its cold arms… Reminding me that I was once a Dreamer, but the world is a great mess that I had to become a Realist.

I wanted to… I wanted to shroud myself, if I was able to. To shelter my heart; and let it be. Even if it means being naive. I used to know what innocence was. I knew it the moment I realized I am no longer… It was like being a kid, accidentally witnessing the war in the battleground… with so much wound… and blood.. and casualties. It was like… it was like instantaneously taking away the humanity in you,– the humanity out of you; right in front of your very eyes. It was like stealing your very own freedom from you; stealing your chance to live a peaceful life. — Your one and only life… Taking away that chance to live in your own truth, — the truth you thought was true, instead of slapping reality to you. The life you chose to live… The truth you choose to believe. Let me believe a lie, instead. — I’d probably say. I wanted to conceal, to cover, and hide myself away from all of it… I’d protect myself from it — I really would. If only I could.

I… by all means, would really hide myself away from the world had I had the chance to. But it’s as if you could really hide away from Life. You cannot escape life, I’d known it by now, at least. No matter how much you run; or where you run to, it cannot leave you. And I know, deep in your heart… you are screaming, and crying out for help. Because I do, too. There are days when I do not know what to do… I do not know what happened; I do not know what will… I do not understand a thing. And I just keep sinking… and sinking… Until nobody can reach me. There are days like that… where I just keep on floating… and drifting away; I do not know how. But I just… — all I wanna do was stop. Breathing. And existing. I want to disappear. I want to go away. Far… far away… – where no one can reach me. No one can know me. No one can see me. — Because that’s me. That’s who I am. And I am alone. Sometimes I wish I’m not; but I am. I wanted to be gone, but I can’t.– I do not know how. 

And I know what’s next. I know just how it’s gonna be. I’d wish… and wish I hadn’t known a thing. About life… about the world… and everything in it… How fleeting life can be… How much pain you will bear… How many people will leave… How much everything can change; how much everything is… How much lie can sustain the truth… How much of yourself you will leave behind; how many pieces of you can you lost… How much everything can go wrong… And how much of it was your own fault. How much people can die from such unwanted tragedy; how much life can be wasted. Yeah, just things like that. I’d wish. And wish. But no amount of wishes can ever grant you the truth or the lie you wanted. Reality is here, and it’s what will stay. It’s what will remain at the end of the day.

And reality, no matter how much can suck, is what will be there for you… even if it’s not what you wanted. Even if all you wanted was to live your own fantasy and stay there; reality will wake you. And Life, no matter how cruel, is something you will have to live, and have to deal with the most. — it’s what will subsist. 

And even though painful, realization is what will last forever. Something that’s real…  Something we did not thought can be. Something that hurts… Something that will wound us profoundly; something… that will scar us forever. Something that’s epiphany. 

I wish I could go back… And unseen what I have happened to see… To turn back time… To turn everything back and become okay again. –To make everything okay again. — To finally be okay again. I wish to unfelt everything… I have ever felt; to take off all the feelings I had to bear but did not choose to. To unlearn those things I did not ever mean to know. To… to become unmindful, perhaps, — of this becoming of the world that I hadn’t even planned. To become free of all this grown-up shits.

To become innocent again. To become free of all this misery. To become unaware; instead of always trying to go back to the past and wishing things didn’t happened. To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself.

To live. To be. To become free…

Transient Memories

Transient moments. But so are memories. Catch the moments; and keep the memories. We should start living in “nows”.

August 4, 2016 • 1am

​As we take on the journey of going away… we take those memories with us. – Scraps of memory that makes it whole. Flashes of the places you’ve seen; the presence of the places you’ve been… The faces you’ve seen; the strangers you met… The people you had known along the way; and along the journey.

Our memories contain every little thing of what we know; and what we knew. Every little bits of what happened; every little significant moment. Flashes of smiles… sound of the voices… echoes of laughter… The atmosphere of the place..– the sight; the aura. And the smell. — specially the smell. Well I don’t know about you, or if it’s just me, but… I sometimes find a certain smell very significant at some very eloquent point. For me tho, the sense of smell is… very nostalgic.– Perhaps the most nostalgic next to sound. (Have you ever experienced that? — You smelled something, and suddenly it felt some sort of déjà vu? Suddenly it reminds you of something that smells like something else… and it brings back a thousand memories. Or… does that even make sense to you? Okay so maybe not, but for me it does tho. So…)

But then you won’t remember everything. You won’t remember everything you’ve seen; nor everything you heard. You can’t remember all of it. But you will remember what you felt. You’ll remember what you felt at that very moment. How amused you were… or how happy you had been that day. You’ll remember the rush you’ve felt… or even the anxiety you’ve had. 

But I guess our brains automatically throw away trashes that are never needed… It automatically washes away the junks and dirt that can clog the space for the nice and good ones. –Good memories that are yet to come; and yet to be kept. And I guess it’s a good thing, after all. Automatically leave the unwanted and replace by the good ones.

I don’t remember everything… But I do remember, indeed. I remember scenes on that precise moment.. that are now belong to the past. It’s crazy tho, trying to recall it all… It all seemed as though it happened only yesterday, it always felt like it. Things always turn out like that. It. Always. Does. You remember them one moment, and suddenly it’s pouring down on you like a goddamn waterfall. And it’s actually rather nostalgic, no matter how random. Not because you wanted to go back but because it’s just there; sucking the life out of you. You’ll remember how many things had happened from then on… how much has changed, how long it had actually been when it still feels like only yesterday. You’ll remember how fast things can happen… how fast things can change. And you’ll remember where you are. And it’s just crazy, but as long as it reminds you of some happy moments; no matter how seldom,– it somehow becomes ‘worth it’. Because it’s something to treasure, at the end of the day, — maybe even at the end of time. It is still worth remembering. You won’t remember everything but you get to keep some of those that are worth saving in your heart,– if not in mind.

Our life moves in a constant oscillation; and I sometimes get shocked with that, every time I think of it. Our life moves past our very eyes without us, –even noticing almost anything… but the moment we sit in silence; and in total darkness… we’d only then realize that everything has changed. Everything is happening and it feels like you’re not doing anything. Our lives move as much as our planet does; I sometimes wonder how we deal with that. With the fact that… one day feels exactly as another; but then you’ll look back and realize that a lot has changed. Everything is happening all at once and you can’t keep up with everything. We are dealing with life by keeping ourselves busy. — eagerly convincing ourselves that, we do really have a life. We keep ourselves sane by pushing our anxieties away and keeping our minds on track. Even when we’re most likely aware; but prefer to be just oblivious… Even when we know that we are in fact, on the verge of insanity. — Or better yet, we already are; but just hated to admit it. We don’t admit that we are crazy when the truth is, everything makes you crazy. — Everything – happening all at once. Everything – passing through. Everything – falling apart. Just that… Everything. Everything makes you crazy. And everything makes you wanna run away and leave this world. — Perhaps escaping this mundane world and live on another star.

But all we have is moments. And memories. And it’s all we’ll ever have.– One moment at a time. I’d love to say, — a beautiful life, and a fairy tale, and a beautiful story… but I’m afraid, it’s all we’ve got. Moments come with us in a very ephemeral way. In such a way that almost like a touch of a wind; a momentary chilling breeze… or like a falling leaves in the autumn season. And I think that we should catch some; if we get some. — Bring it home, and keep it within the pages of your favorite book, or perhaps your most precious journal.

Moments are worthwhile in itself, not because it’s fleeting but because it’s all just passing through; you can’t catch some, without letting go of some. You get to decide what to pick; you choose what to get.

We can’t take everything in us. We can’t keep everything in our memory. But we can always remember how we felt.

Our feelings never forget.