Masterpiece

I write not because I want to write about something… I write because there is something to write about.

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Feb.28, 2017 • 12:26am

The pain never goes away; not really. It remains with us forever. But what we have to learn is that we can allow it to blossom into something beautiful– like a work of art. Into something that conforms; something that resonates. Something that will reach out to others and make them feel understood…–to help make them feel that they’re certainly not alone. That pain can also build a connection. We don’t always have to force ourselves to let it go because it doesn’t always work that way, –when the scars were already there. We can only accept it. Accept that these things happen. We cannot know happiness if we hadn’t known pain. And we have, but only one way to ease the pain and live with it: To use it.

We have to use it.

False Hopes

Everything is just going into hell of a repetition and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Everything is going the same and I’m stuck on the same pattern.

11:54pm • Sept. 26, 2017

I hate this Life.

I hate this fucking life. I hate my life and everything in it. And I mean, everything. Everything that’s happening… everything that’s been going on. I hated this fucked up life of mine. And above all, I hate myself the most. Everything is just going into hell of a repetition and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I swear, I’d give up any moment with just one tap on the shoulder. Everything is just the same. Everything sucks.– To which one day felt exactly like another… Everything is repeating itself. Day after day, week after week, month after month… Damn, even year after year! I am losing my mind and I cannot escape this hell! I’m so tired of this shit. I can’t do this anymore. Everything is going the same and I’m stuck on the same pattern.

I hate this Life? –such a cliché line, I know. But believe me when I say that I know how “cliché” exactly feels like. How frustrating it is? Oh, dear! You have no idea.

I’m so… so tired giving up each day and then trying to be optimistic the next day, because who knows what might happen if I just get at least a little bit hopeful… Besides, it’s what they all say. Hope. “Just Hope”. –It is something they all believe in. And it’s something they all hold on to, — to convince themselves to never give up because there’s that. Yeah, that thing.

And I didn’t know it then. I didn’t know that hope can be lethal. Hope is fatal. Period. I didn’t know that hope will kill you. Hope can kill you, when there’s too much of it. And that Hope, will actually kill you in the end. That it’ll one day turn into this kind of poisonous potion eventually… And while everyday you keep drinking it; trying to fill up your heart and trying to convince your mind… Trying to keep that dream alive. We drank into it. Into the idea that hope was some kind of medicine; a cure, perhaps. To keep our sanity. Insisting that hope will save us.

But hope have saved us.

From ourselves, from our own negations. From our own doubts… and fears, and our own questions. Just so we would shut up, and just Hope, instead. Or maybe we use it as a form of escaping… because we do not have the courage to accept and face what happens but instead prefer to hope for the better, if not for the best. Knowing we, fool people that we are, would accept anything the world tells us to believe. The society could’ve put stones in our mouths and yet, we would’ve swallowed it in the blink of an eye. We believe everything that we hear and see… But in denial to our own feelings. Couldn’t accept what we already feel. Wouldn’t believe all of which we’ve really had experienced.

Hope. Motherfvcker

It had killed us in the most subtle way… In a way that we, ourselves, wouldn’t even recognize at all. Hell, hope is even more cunning than a wolf,– if I say so myself. It was pretty unrecognizable to the point that we couldn’t even understand what was happening. We are blinded by the thought that hope, and only hope would save us. Hope is something we hold onto when there is nothing else that we can do. We subconsciously think that hope will save us, but it won’t. Only Faith, will.

We hope and hope… Until we wake up one day, and realize we’re empty. We simply give up and cling unto the idea of hope because we can no longer do anything. We thought it was okay to hope, and that it’s a normal thing to do because everyone does it. Everyone always hope for the best. Hope for the better. Hope for more. You see, that is our mistake; we put it all into hope so much and forget to do something for ourselves. — In our own. Forgetting that hope can do nothing for you but to keep you positive. To give you something that will fire you up to always keep you warm inside. Maybe the fault is in ours, after all. And not to blame it all out to hope itself. We made ourselves believe. We made ourselves believe so much… in which we, ourselves, had made.

Maybe they were right when they say that everything that’s too much is bad. Because hope has been a drug, for us…– or for me, at least. I took too much of it and got so high. So high that I couldn’t even remember what I did next. Maybe I got into a deep slumber and forgot to move on my feet. Maybe I enjoyed partying so much and forgotten how to go back home. Maybe… maybe it was wrong to hope. Maybe it was wrong for me because I had gone this way; Maybe I should’ve never took dose of that toxic pill of hope each time I was down. Because I never knew it’d only turn out to be like this. I should’ve let myself succumb into doom and let myself burn instead. Maybe it would’ve gone better that way.

But then I hoped because there is nothing else that is left for me to do. I can’t do anything to change it; to reverse my life. And if there is anything else that I can do, that is to hope. To hope that things would get better, somehow.

I hope one day we never have to hope. We only have to believe and then it will happen. But then that’s the thing. Because nothing really happens.

Metamorphic Spirit

…But it’s either you break free from the mold; or live the rest of your life inside that jar.

Oct. 19, 2016 • 1:55am

Change is such a painful process of peeling away your mask and revealing your skin with some parts of it being torn away; lingered onto what has left it and leaving you broken. It is both heartbreakingly overwhelming… and extremely terrifying. But it’s either you break free from the mold or live the rest of your life inside that jar.

Inconstantly

The world will never again become the way it used to be. —To the way it has always been.

Feb. 27, 2017 9:18pm

And then when change finally wraps its arms to everything that’s there; to everything around you… The world will never again become the way it used to be. —To the way it has always been. Your life will never be the same life that you had; the one that you owned. And you will start asking yourself if it’s still your life, or whether you are still the person that you are. It will take time to realize everything all at once, when all those dire questions inevitably pours down on you. It will take time. And you’ll realize. And you will learn. But first, it will throw you into the darkest void where there is nothing but emptiness. And only then, you will understand that no one can escape the world of indifference. Not until you succumbed; and not until you let yourself have the chance to live again. Because nothing then would’ve even mattered.

–Not anymore.

Seek and Seize

Those magical identities and colorful secrets of infinity is present only for those who want to see…

Oct. 4, 2016 • 3pm

And I want you to remember that the world is an open sky… A vast place; with so many beautiful, and quirky things beyond. You can look up above and see nothing and everything all at once. But honey, I want you to know that the universe is open only for those who want to know it and to those who are willing enough to understand the boundless mysteries it can offer. Those magical identities and colorful secrets of infinity is present only for those who want to see. For the ones that are eager enough to discover; and the ones who are crazy enough to find out.

To Occult Oneself

To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself. To live. To be. To become free…

October 5, 2016 • 4:35pm

I wish to unlearn the things I didn’t want to know. To forget the things I didn’t want to see; and the feelings I didn’t intend to convey. I wanted to save my heart, (if that was even possible) in the first place. I didn’t intend to know the truth about life… And these, unlikely lessons I’ve learned… I wish to get off of my mind. But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know… deep, beneath my dilapidated, and teneous soul… Reality will always come hovering to me; with its bitter sensation that even if I badly wanted to dream, I will wake up in its cold arms… Reminding me that I was once a Dreamer, but the world is a great mess that I had to become a Realist.

I wanted to… I wanted to shroud myself, if I was able to. To shelter my heart; and let it be. Even if it means being naive. I used to know what innocence was. I knew it the moment I realized I am no longer… It was like being a kid, accidentally witnessing the war in the battleground… with so much wound… and blood.. and casualties. It was like… it was like instantaneously taking away the humanity in you,– the humanity out of you; right in front of your very eyes. It was like stealing your very own freedom from you; stealing your chance to live a peaceful life. — Your one and only life… Taking away that chance to live in your own truth, — the truth you thought was true, instead of slapping reality to you. The life you chose to live… The truth you choose to believe. Let me believe a lie, instead. — I’d probably say. I wanted to conceal, to cover, and hide myself away from all of it… I’d protect myself from it — I really would. If only I could.

I… by all means, would really hide myself away from the world had I had the chance to. But it’s as if you could really hide away from Life. You cannot escape life, I’d known it by now, at least. No matter how much you run; or where you run to, it cannot leave you. And I know, deep in your heart… you are screaming, and crying out for help. Because I do, too. There are days when I do not know what to do… I do not know what happened; I do not know what will… I do not understand a thing. And I just keep sinking… and sinking… Until nobody can reach me. There are days like that… where I just keep on floating… and drifting away; I do not know how. But I just… — all I wanna do was stop. Breathing. And existing. I want to disappear. I want to go away. Far… far away… – where no one can reach me. No one can know me. No one can see me. — Because that’s me. That’s who I am. And I am alone. Sometimes I wish I’m not; but I am. I wanted to be gone, but I can’t.– I do not know how. 

And I know what’s next. I know just how it’s gonna be. I’d wish… and wish I hadn’t known a thing. About life… about the world… and everything in it… How fleeting life can be… How much pain you will bear… How many people will leave… How much everything can change; how much everything is… How much lie can sustain the truth… How much of yourself you will leave behind; how many pieces of you can you lost… How much everything can go wrong… And how much of it was your own fault. How much people can die from such unwanted tragedy; how much life can be wasted. Yeah, just things like that. I’d wish. And wish. But no amount of wishes can ever grant you the truth or the lie you wanted. Reality is here, and it’s what will stay. It’s what will remain at the end of the day.

And reality, no matter how much can suck, is what will be there for you… even if it’s not what you wanted. Even if all you wanted was to live your own fantasy and stay there; reality will wake you. And Life, no matter how cruel, is something you will have to live, and have to deal with the most. — it’s what will subsist. 

And even though painful, realization is what will last forever. Something that’s real…  Something we did not thought can be. Something that hurts… Something that will wound us profoundly; something… that will scar us forever. Something that’s epiphany. 

I wish I could go back… And unseen what I have happened to see… To turn back time… To turn everything back and become okay again. –To make everything okay again. — To finally be okay again. I wish to unfelt everything… I have ever felt; to take off all the feelings I had to bear but did not choose to. To unlearn those things I did not ever mean to know. To… to become unmindful, perhaps, — of this becoming of the world that I hadn’t even planned. To become free of all this grown-up shits.

To become innocent again. To become free of all this misery. To become unaware; instead of always trying to go back to the past and wishing things didn’t happened. To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself.

To live. To be. To become free…

Transient Memories

Transient moments. But so are memories. Catch the moments; and keep the memories. We should start living in “nows”.

August 4, 2016 • 1am

​As we take on the journey of going away… we take those memories with us. – Scraps of memory that makes it whole. Flashes of the places you’ve seen; the presence of the places you’ve been… The faces you’ve seen; the strangers you met… The people you had known along the way; and along the journey.

Our memories contain every little thing of what we know; and what we knew. Every little bits of what happened; every little significant moment. Flashes of smiles… sound of the voices… echoes of laughter… The atmosphere of the place..– the sight; the aura. And the smell. — specially the smell. Well I don’t know about you, or if it’s just me, but… I sometimes find a certain smell very significant at some very eloquent point. For me tho, the sense of smell is… very nostalgic.– Perhaps the most nostalgic next to sound. (Have you ever experienced that? — You smelled something, and suddenly it felt some sort of déjà vu? Suddenly it reminds you of something that smells like something else… and it brings back a thousand memories. Or… does that even make sense to you? Okay so maybe not, but for me it does tho. So…)

But then you won’t remember everything. You won’t remember everything you’ve seen; nor everything you heard. You can’t remember all of it. But you will remember what you felt. You’ll remember what you felt at that very moment. How amused you were… or how happy you had been that day. You’ll remember the rush you’ve felt… or even the anxiety you’ve had. 

But I guess our brains automatically throw away trashes that are never needed… It automatically washes away the junks and dirt that can clog the space for the nice and good ones. –Good memories that are yet to come; and yet to be kept. And I guess it’s a good thing, after all. Automatically leave the unwanted and replace by the good ones.

I don’t remember everything… But I do remember, indeed. I remember scenes on that precise moment.. that are now belong to the past. It’s crazy tho, trying to recall it all… It all seemed as though it happened only yesterday, it always felt like it. Things always turn out like that. It. Always. Does. You remember them one moment, and suddenly it’s pouring down on you like a goddamn waterfall. And it’s actually rather nostalgic, no matter how random. Not because you wanted to go back but because it’s just there; sucking the life out of you. You’ll remember how many things had happened from then on… how much has changed, how long it had actually been when it still feels like only yesterday. You’ll remember how fast things can happen… how fast things can change. And you’ll remember where you are. And it’s just crazy, but as long as it reminds you of some happy moments; no matter how seldom,– it somehow becomes ‘worth it’. Because it’s something to treasure, at the end of the day, — maybe even at the end of time. It is still worth remembering. You won’t remember everything but you get to keep some of those that are worth saving in your heart,– if not in mind.

Our life moves in a constant oscillation; and I sometimes get shocked with that, every time I think of it. Our life moves past our very eyes without us, –even noticing almost anything… but the moment we sit in silence; and in total darkness… we’d only then realize that everything has changed. Everything is happening and it feels like you’re not doing anything. Our lives move as much as our planet does; I sometimes wonder how we deal with that. With the fact that… one day feels exactly as another; but then you’ll look back and realize that a lot has changed. Everything is happening all at once and you can’t keep up with everything. We are dealing with life by keeping ourselves busy. — eagerly convincing ourselves that, we do really have a life. We keep ourselves sane by pushing our anxieties away and keeping our minds on track. Even when we’re most likely aware; but prefer to be just oblivious… Even when we know that we are in fact, on the verge of insanity. — Or better yet, we already are; but just hated to admit it. We don’t admit that we are crazy when the truth is, everything makes you crazy. — Everything – happening all at once. Everything – passing through. Everything – falling apart. Just that… Everything. Everything makes you crazy. And everything makes you wanna run away and leave this world. — Perhaps escaping this mundane world and live on another star.

But all we have is moments. And memories. And it’s all we’ll ever have.– One moment at a time. I’d love to say, — a beautiful life, and a fairy tale, and a beautiful story… but I’m afraid, it’s all we’ve got. Moments come with us in a very ephemeral way. In such a way that almost like a touch of a wind; a momentary chilling breeze… or like a falling leaves in the autumn season. And I think that we should catch some; if we get some. — Bring it home, and keep it within the pages of your favorite book, or perhaps your most precious journal.

Moments are worthwhile in itself, not because it’s fleeting but because it’s all just passing through; you can’t catch some, without letting go of some. You get to decide what to pick; you choose what to get.

We can’t take everything in us. We can’t keep everything in our memory. But we can always remember how we felt.

Our feelings never forget.