Fatal Malady

..it has always been what life meant; To be defeated once and for all and to start all over again.– Either you’d fly into stardust or burn into ashes.


Nov. 11, 2016 • 4:29pm

We thought that we were free of plagues when we see our skins clear. When we are really, deeply blighted and corrupted inside. We are so afflicted from within… We aren’t simply wounded; we are profoundly critical. We are so very ill, so sick and so frail that even just one clasp of a hand or one look in the eye might submerge our consciousness into the depth of indifference. Either that, or it’ll make our soul shatter into fragments that we won’t be able to collect. But we can never be what we once were; not even close. And we continue leaving our old selves behind not because of a choice but because of a demand. Such a demanding necessity of a situation that what has been of our lives. I figured, it has always been what Life meant; To be defeated once and for all and to start all over again. Either you’d fly into stardust or burn into ashes. But we can never cease this malady; nor flee this affliction… At the end of the day, we would always choose to just curl ourselves up into a ball while our insides were crumbling into shambles. Stoically enduring everything while a single tear says it all. But it is when someone finally looks into your eyes; through those cracked and fragmented, critical part of yours… that you will find out whether or not you would break down into pieces or you would feel whole, once again. The moment where, you do not know whether you’ll shatter and fall apart all over again.. Disintegrate and collapse into dust… And scatter. Or, you’d finally feel complete.. and found, at last.– No longer lost.

But perhaps it was both fundamentally, a virtual and humane idea to be in one’s mind in the first place.

Into The Wind

“Everything that’s broke — leave it to the breeze. Let the ashes fall… Forget about me.”

Feb. 28, 2017 • 12:05am

And then everything is constantly changing… Suddenly, everything is slowly drifting away; gradually. We cannot brace them, tie them, or keep them as ours. We can always cry and complain, but none of these will ever make them return back to the way they used to be. Because this time, whether or not it’s what we really choose… we only have one choice:

To let them go, and let them be.


I write not because I want to write about something… I write because there is something to write about.

Feb.28, 2017 • 12:26am

The pain never goes away; not really. It remains with us forever. But what we have to learn is that we can allow it to blossom into something beautiful– like a work of art. Into something that conforms; something that resonates. Something that will reach out to others and make them feel understood…–to help make them feel that they’re certainly not alone. That pain can also build a connection. We don’t always have to force ourselves to let it go because it doesn’t always work that way, –when the scars were already there. We can only accept it. Accept that these things happen. We cannot know happiness if we hadn’t known pain. And we have, but only one way to ease the pain and live with it: To use it.

We have to use it.

Constant Melancholia

You thought emptiness is safe, you thought emptiness means not having to feel anything at all. You thought emptiness is numbness. But it’s not.

July 14, 2017 • 1am

I don’t know why, but there really comes a time like this… where I just feel really empty. Not knowing why; nor how… My mind just takes me into this seemingly familiar, yet lonely state. Or perhaps my heart does. Or, my soul maybe? There goes that kind of time again where all of a sudden, I feel so lost in the middle of the night… While the rest of the world falls asleep; and where everything seems to be so calm… and peaceful. And where all I was supposed to do was to rest my mind, and ease my soul… but where my heart felt otherwise. There’s that feeling again, that I’m suddenly so lost. And wandering. In the middle of the night. Or that same toxic sensation where I strongly felt that I had just lost something..

Something so precious. Something very important.

And then it won’t cease. And until I’ve gone mad again… –it just wouldn’t stop. It’s ruthless. I felt so powerless– so powerless over it. Can’t even do anything when all I wanted to do was to scream. And not being able to just adds to yet another feeling of desperation. And helplessness. It’s so frustrating. It keeps on making you remember something that felt like happened a century ago… Happened a long time ago… Something, — something that’s already been forgotten, but hurts still when remembered. A pang of something that aches. Of something that lives inside you… and it rests right into your chest. And there, it resides very coolly. Something so nameless, yet so powerful… and painful. Something that’s hard to forget, but even harder to remember. 

There goes that feeling again where it’ll make you feel like you have to know the answer; you have to find something. That something you don’t even know the name. That something you do not even know what to call. But it just aches there; inside your chest. Something you can’t… comprehend. Something so far… far away, yet felt so near. Something that causes you too much nostalgia. Something that never really goes away and keep giving you constant melancholy. It’s just there. It never really goes away. Not after you cried your heart out. Not even after a river of tears. Yes, –not even after crying senselessly. Hopelessly. Helplessly. That pointless and nameless tears you don’t even have an idea what for. It’s just frustrating as hell. You’re crying for no reason. Crying for nothing. You’ve always been a fool like that. It’s so exhausting. Nights always seemed to gone by like this. Without any warning, without any further sign, suddenly you are being dragged in some kind of otherworlds. Where everything is all about sadness, pain, melancholia… nostalgia, and despair…. — Also known as memories

Everything is just… unclear. But you feel it all too well. – all too well. The emptiness? Oh, you’ll never know how much the emptiness hurt; Until you feel that lump in your throat suddenly choking you… Or that pain in the chest you feel when you swallowed the coffee suddenly, not knowing it’s still too hot. Or maybe you know that feeling of drowning? You keep on kicking; keep on trying to hold onto something but there is nothing to hold on to. And you just keep on sinking… and sinking. You thought emptiness is safe, you thought emptiness means not having to feel anything at all. You thought emptiness is numbness. But it’s not. I hope it is; I hope it was. I hope it was that easy to deal with it.– Hold your breath, this is going to be painless because you’ll no longer feel anything.

But the opposite always happens. It is always the contrary of it all… Ironic, just like life. Too cunning to even notice at first, but that is just the way it goes. You thought it’s going to be forgiving, going to be a little easier than it used to. Until you realize it was unbearable. Until you feel it, and know it all. Emptiness is the kind of pain you don’t even believe at first… But it will wreck your mind and kill your soul. It’ll burn you, destroy you in the most subtle way possible. — The kind that’ll take away your sanity. It will leave you nothing… but emptiness. The kind of pain where you just stare into space, not knowing what to do; let alone have an idea what’s going on. The kind where you just kind of drift… here and there; Floating in the middle of nowhere. It’s something like that. It’s as though you’re under a blackspell… where you can’t do anything but you feel it. You feel it all…

And all you can do was endure.

There’s that kind of awful feeling again where I’m faced with these unknown melancholy. Where I felt like searching… Searching for something that cannot be found. That same old frustrating sensation where it almost felt like grieving for something; for someone, that went away. Someone who left without a single word and without any trace. The kind of loneliness where you’re not necessarily sad, but you just felt dying inside. That unending pain you never understand where it’s coming from; or when it would stop. Or whether or not it would. It actually hurts like hell. Because you don’t understand a thing and you just keep dying and dying. You just keep feeling it all when all you wanna do was to stop feeling that way. Slowly, but surely… you are getting empty inside. That desperate moment where you just can’t help but wonder; trying to find an answer… but then there is nothing. And it hurts because you can’t make something out of nothing. And in the end… somewhere along the way, you just let the time decide and surrender it all in its own hands… And you let the night claim you because one way or the other; you still lose your mind in the process.

It’s always been like that for me. Just like tonight. Trying to write this, trying to make up what it is. Trying to make sense of what’s going on; what’s happening… But in the end, that feeling of loss, pain… and oppression of something that I’ve lost; something that I’ve left behind…

It always goes down to one thing.

One person. One subject.

— One girl.

I’ve lost myself.

Liberation in Disguise

It was quite unexpected to actually feel better when you know you’ve done something wrong. It was very unlooked-for; but still very freeing… somehow.

July 30, 2016 • 5:31pm

You know sometimes, you say nasty things and it makes you wanna throw up… or take back what you said and done. You want to, –because you know it was wrong. But sometimes…–just sometimes, even when you know it was very wrong; or you know you should’ve never done it… Something inside you… just feels so right.. or at least,– it actually felt as though it was just fine; or it had actually made you feel better… —in a way? That’s why it turned out fine; that’s why it was worth it; no matter how wrong. Even if it felt so wrong.

And surprisingly, I figured, sometimes you actually have to do what’s wrong, after all… Even when you know it’s wrong; even if you never mean to. You need to, because it’s what will  make you free, somehow.

After all the burden and weight on your chest have come out… After all the tears, and bad feelings has reached its limit… You finally freed yourself from what’s been choking you ever since. You bear those feelings inside like no one’s gotta have to know about it forever… but then you reached your point and suddenly you just kind of blew it all up unintentionally. You exploded and that’s it. It never tastes fine. Never felt fine. You can tell by the way you’ve felt it even if you don’t show it, –you know it tastes like a bitter bile on your mouth. You don’t wanna hurt anyone, especially if you certainly know how it felt like. You know you don’t wanna hurt them by your words. But sometimes… It’s just… unavoidable that it happens and one way or another, you just release it all somehow, when you inevitably blow up because you can’t take it anymore.

Of course, you’re also just a human.

But the funny thing is… You feel better. You actually felt rather relieved, somehow. It was a freedom of sorts. Even after everything has gone wrong. Even if it felt so wrong.

It all became, and felt worth it when it had actually helped you a lot.

All because it had brought upon you a sense of freedom. A freedom in disguise. And that, my friend, is what made sense. No matter how small.

But then again, it was still wrong. 🙊

Drifted in Solitude

You wanted solitude somehow and you have to find out why. You’re constantly going to be misunderstood by many but it’s okay. This is your life. So just go figure yourself out.

June 21, 2016 • 11:31pm

And then it finally occurred to me… that they never, — in the slightest way,– will ever understand me the way I am– now. Or the reasons why I do things the way I do —why I do the things I do. Nor why I’ve changed, in so many ways… that is way too far from what they’d expected; or shall I say, what they want me to. Because people want you to be the person they want you to be. No, not the way you want yourself to be. They won’t let you. When you try to fly… when you always wanna fly, –but they won’t simply let you. They just won’t. They’d pull your wings down and would want you to keep yourself on the solid ground, instead. But that’s because it won’t really cost them anything if you ever fall. Even if you know how much it would cost you if you did fall; even if you understand. You know very well that it’d break you. Still, they’d drag you back down.

And then they’d ask what’s going on with you; what’s the matter with you. Or why are you the way you are now… What the heck is happening to you, stop acting like that. They ask still why you’re broken. And still, –they have no idea. See?  funny how certain people can forget so easily.

They’d break you, and then ask why you’re broken.

They won’t understand the anxiety and paranoia that you feel… They won’t understand the feeling of being alone even if you’re surrounded by them. They won’t understand the things in your mind or the voice that you hear. The silent screams… the deepest sighs. They won’t understand the reasons behind closed doors; or the reason why you’re still up till 3 in the morning — or 4, even. They won’t understand why it’s so hard for you to talk, or why you always want to be alone. They won’t understand that you don’t really have a reason for always wanting to be alone, but you just feel like it. They won’t understand why you don’t want to communicate most of the time or the reason why you don’t wanna connect with them. They won’t understand your choices.

They won’t understand why you feel so distant with them; or the reason why you don’t want to be close to them anymore. They won’t understand the things that you say or the decisions that you make. Or the way you move and the way that you talk. The tune of your voice and the expression on your face. They won’t understand the time that you spent,– and the days that you wanna spend,– locked up in a room. They won’t understand your silence nor your solitude. They won’t understand your aloofness and changes…

They won’t understand you. Not because of any fucking reasons. But simply because they can’t.

They won’t understand that it’s also because of them. That it’s because you’re so tired and so empty. That you’re so tired of hoping and getting disappointed over and over again. Tired of expecting something good from them and yet, getting hurt once again. And empty because you tried your all. All that you got.– all of your power… and energy, to hope for the best, or even something better, and expect in something good that might happen… But then again, being let down again. And then I realized…–And I kinda feel like, I’m doing the same thing that they do– expecting the things I hope for them to do, and hoping for them to be the person that I’ve made them up to.

They’re not the person that I want them to be; as much as they want me to be the person that they’d always expected me to. 

Life is weird like that. It doesn’t simply work that way.

We are doing the same thing to each other and I think I have to stop.

But they won’t understand that you are who you are right now, not just because of you.

But it’s also because of them and what they did to you.

Or maybe… it’s just because of time and inevitable change. Or also because of life, and what happened.

And then you’re constantly going to be misunderstood. But it’s okay, this is your life. As long as you continue trying to figure out who you are; as long as you never stop trying to understand yourself… and what’s going on inside you. As long as you continue to seek for reason, and meaning…

For as long as you believe that there’s going to be an answer, somehow. Everything you do is going to be worth it; no matter how messy. No matter how misunderstood you may be in the eyes of the crowd. Because you are. You are always going to be misunderstood by them. But it wouldn’t really matter by then,–by the time you find out why. 

One day it would all make sense why you have to drift away…–from yourself, from them, from those people, from your own life… Why you have to get lost, and wander around not knowing who you are…

This sort of seclusion or inexplicable phenomenon that’s going on with you is not going to waste; you’ll find meaning to this– in time. They won’t necessarily have to understand it, you’re the only one who needs to understand…–this, yourself. And your solitude is not gonna be in vain. You needed this to understand yourself,– to figure it all out… To figure yourself out.

One day, you’d find out why and it’d be worth it.

And I know you’re kind of just free-floating right now… but just hang on and…

 Go figure yourself out…