To Occult Oneself

October 5, 2016 • 4:35pm

I wish to unlearn the things I didn’t want to know. To forget the things I didn’t want to see; and the feelings I didn’t intend to convey. I wanted to save my heart, (if that was even possible) in the first place. I didn’t intend to know the truth about life… And these, unlikely lessons I’ve learned… I wish to get off of my mind. But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know… deep, beneath my dilapidated, and teneous soul… Reality will always come hovering to me; with its bitter sensation that even if I badly wanted to dream, I will wake up in its cold arms… Reminding me that I was once a Dreamer, but the world is a great mess that I had to become a Realist.

I wanted to… I wanted to shroud myself, if I was able to. To shelter my heart; and let it be. Even if it means being naive. I used to know what innocence was. I knew it the moment I realized I am no longer… It was like being a kid, accidentally witnessing the war in the battleground… with so much wound… and blood.. and casualties. It was like… it was like instantaneously taking away the humanity in you,– the humanity out of you; right in front of your very eyes. It was like stealing your very own freedom from you; stealing your chance to live a peaceful life. — Your one and only life… Taking away that chance to live in your own truth, — the truth you thought was true, instead of slapping reality to you. The life you chose to live… The truth you choose to believe. Let me believe a lie, instead. — I’d probably say. I wanted to conceal, to cover, and hide myself away from all of it… I’d protect myself from it — I really would. If only I could.

I… by all means, would really hide myself away from the world had I had the chance to. But it’s as if you could really hide away from Life. You cannot escape life, I’d known it by now, at least. No matter how much you run; or where you run to, it cannot leave you. And I know, deep in your heart… you are screaming, and crying out for help. Because I do, too. There are days when I do not know what to do… I do not know what happened; I do not know what will… I do not understand a thing. And I just keep sinking… and sinking… Until nobody can reach me. There are days like that… where I just keep on floating… and drifting away; I do not know how. But I just… — all I wanna do was stop. Breathing. And existing. I want to disappear. I want to go away. Far… far away… – where no one can reach me. No one can know me. No one can see me. — Because that’s me. That’s who I am. And I am alone. Sometimes I wish I’m not; but I am. I wanted to be gone, but I can’t.– I do not know how. 

And I know what’s next. I know just how it’s gonna be. I’d wish… and wish I hadn’t known a thing. About life… about the world… and everything in it… How fleeting life can be… How much pain you will bear… How many people will leave… How much everything can change; how much everything is… How much lie can sustain the truth… How much of yourself you will leave behind; how many pieces of you can you lost… How much everything can go wrong… And how much of it was your own fault. How much people can die from such unwanted tragedy; how much life can be wasted. Yeah, just things like that. I’d wish. And wish. But no amount of wishes can ever grant you the truth or the lie you wanted. Reality is here, and it’s what will stay. It’s what will remain at the end of the day.

And reality, no matter how much can suck, is what will be there for you… even if it’s not what you wanted. Even if all you wanted was to live your own fantasy and stay there; reality will wake you. And Life, no matter how cruel, is something you will have to live, and have to deal with the most. — it’s what will subsist. 

And even though painful, realization is what will last forever. Something that’s real…  Something we did not thought can be. Something that hurts… Something that will wound us profoundly; something… that will scar us forever. Something that’s epiphany. 

I wish I could go back… And unseen what I have happened to see… To turn back time… To turn everything back and become okay again. –To make everything okay again. — To finally be okay again. I wish to unfelt everything… I have ever felt; to take off all the feelings I had to bear but did not choose to. To unlearn those things I did not ever mean to know. To… to become unmindful, perhaps, — of this becoming of the world that I hadn’t even planned. To become free of all this grown-up shits.

To become innocent again. To become free of all this misery. To become unaware; instead of always trying to go back to the past and wishing things didn’t happened. To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself.

To live. To be. To become free…

Therapeutic Sea

July 4, 2016 • 10:16pm

Swimming in the sea makes me feel wild and free…

In a sense that the horizon is infinite; there are no barriers around you. No walls to restrain, or trammel you; or will hinder you to go elsewhere. There was no boundaries that confines you; nor hedges to constrain you. There seem to be no limitations in everything. You can do whatever you want, there are no strings or clips that will pin you down. The view is endless. And so the possibilities are boundless. You know you’re in the widest, huge space spot and that no one can reach you nor drag you. You feel like you’re all alone and the whole view is all yours; the place is yours. Yours. And nobody else’s. And then you just feel amazingly free; and though the waves keep pushing you aside, you know your feet won’t just give up kicking and you keep on swimming to stay afloat… Fighting every wave that comes your way… you continue to swim and carry on. 

And in that moment, somehow, that was enough.

The Light Within

January 28, 2017 • 10:44am

It’s not about the absence of light; or the darkness anymore… Sometimes, it’s all about the capacity of your own will to see the light that’s not even there at all. Not the ability nor capability to witness. But your own willingness to do so. Your willingness to see. Your mere decision to be provided. To see what’s invisible to the naked eye; and what’s beyond the reach of your eyesight. It is seen only by your own will; or rather, felt. That only light that’s always been inside of you.

In the end… it becomes our own decision to see. It becomes about our will to go past the darkness… or even beyond our dimmed vision.

Emptiness, I guess…

January 27, 2017 · 1:58am

Sometimes we seemed okay… and we look fine. And everything seems to be just fine…

Until at some point, something hits you and you feel incomplete. You don’t feel whole at all. It’s just that… you’re suddenly feeling empty, and it surely felt like something was missing. Something went missing. It’s so strange; everything doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like something’s not right; something was gone. Like… there’s something wrong.

We learn to live a life full of changes. No, I mean… we learn to live and understand that everything change.– and that includes our Life.

We are left on our own. With so many questions that’s ever more baffling than before. We usually pass up, without even understanding a thing… and then eventually give up. We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life… surrender to our own questions; surrender to all the issues, and doubts. We give in. We… inevitably let it all go for sure. Let it go when we couldn’t grasp our own reality anymore. When we couldn’t hold onto our dreams any longer because it just seems so… unreal. –Ideal. We let go when we can no longer make ourselves believe. Our dreams were perfect, but we’re not. We, by all means, learn that maybe dreaming was just for kids. Oh, the perks of growing up. Or, should I say “downside”?

We are waiting for the answers that will never come.

We continue to seek… and try to find these answers we badly needed to know. And then we consistently ask questions, after questions… That leads into yet another question we could never ever get an answers for. Not even a single one. And frustrating enough, we just can’t stop questioning everything. But answers don’t seem to come easily… while questions were pouring profusely down on us like a fire bullets. It doesn’t seemed to have a sort of cessation.

It’s just that, not everything is all about the answers. But answer is something that counts. It’s something that we need. It’s the only thing that will make our sense to the world. Or, the only thing that would make sense to us in this world. We need answers just as much as we need to live, and breathe. It is something that gives sense to us; it is something that gives us meaning. But it seems to me that… questions were more likely to be served upon us than it is the other way ’round…

Until we eventually doubt everything. We could no longer believe at anything anymore. Because we can’t forever hold onto questions; we can’t trust every sign. We need something more substantial. We need something… real. Something genuine. We need some proof.

But it’s as if life really gives you a proof.

We hadn’t even been given any reason. Not choices anyway. Hell, we hardly even had a little clue. But we cannot hold onto something that’s fleeting… We wanted certainty. But the world has no guarantee if…– everything about it is.. passing through. We cannot ask for it to give us a steadfast life; and a certain reason, when all it knows was changes…

We cannot demand such delusional mirage from something cryptic like Life.

And then we drift, and we roll… and tried everything we could just to get that only one answer we constantly long for. And yet, all we found was nothing. There is nothing. But why the hell does it still have to feel like there has to be something? That there is always something. Something between the lines… There’s something that we can find from behind the walls… from behind the bars… from behind the ruins… from behind the iron gates. From beyond our very own walls.

Because we always feel like there’s something. That there must be something. There is something here for us… Something we can find.. Something we can have… Even something we can own, eventually. There’s always this something…-an urge. An urge to know… The urge to believe. The urge to hope for more… for something. Something that we could never even figure out. And then we end up longing. Longing for something we do not even know… Something we’ve never had. Something we cannot have.

From behind, and beyond the unknown.

Why the hell does it have to feel like there is something to be found behind the unknown?– If you just gotta believe, and be courageous enough to go through it… Or to be eager enough; and be determined enough to want to know. To learn… That’s what I don’t understand about the human life. I don’t understand why everything has to appear so simple, when everything was nothing but complicated. Why does it have to look, and to sound so easy and simple?  Why does it have to pretend to be something it’s not? Why does it even have to fool us? Or, — is it really worth it?

It’ll make you feel like you have to be brave, and face everything… because there is something so precious that’s waiting for you on the other side. Just go, do it. Have courage and do something because life will surely guaranty you for it; for your act of bravery. Like it’ll reward you for striving really hard.

And then we, fool people that we are, of course follow the path. And in the end, there is nothing. It made us feel like there is something waiting for us at the end of the line… and then we held onto it. And we strongly believed that there has to be… there has something in there. That it was true,–there really is something, after all. Something so real… something so marvelous. Something brilliant. And then we get there, and there was nothing. It’s empty. Until we find ourselves on the very same void that we had created, and imagined… Quite similar to the only thing that we found. Empty.

We continue being victimized by our own life. We continue gathering the answers… that we never got. I guess there really is just one certain answer, after all.

Emptiness.

Indifference and Madness

November 28, 2016 · 10:16pm

I have this thing in mind… a very chaotic notion; perhaps some kind of oppression… that had been going on in my mind lately. Or shall I say, — every now and then. And it’d since then been aggravating me a lot, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it is; nor what to do about it. 

My thoughts are a mess. And I am a disaster. I subconsciously do things I know I wouldn’t really do on purpose. They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts. I had given up hope on everything; I couldn’t care less whatever happens. I do not care about anything. At all. I could probably go past these torment and out of such predicament without shedding a tear from the eye; without even a single cringe. I wasn’t stranger to pain, but I wasn’t numb, either. Or so I thought; because I know I shouldn’t. I am indifferent and I wasn’t supposed to be. I am human and was supposed to feel. Because if I don’t, what would be the point of being alive, then? 

But still, I could screw the world over, and shut people out without looking back and feeling a thing. Not even a guilt. I felt nothing. But… how come? I want nothing, feel nothing. I am nothing. How could I? I am dangerously empty. Hollow, even. I am the void that wraps up my very own.

Perhaps this was indifference.

Maybe I was only stoic because I am no stranger to all this; it’s not at all new to me. It couldn’t surprise me more… I’m so used to all these. –so sick and fed up. I’ve grown jaded enough already to still give a damn. These no longer bother me,– in any way. Not even a little. I can never be more affected; let alone upset. That despite all the unpredictability of life… I still know what’s going to happen in the end. It always goes down to one thing. That exact same thing.

And I still do not know… whatever was the causation of these improbable shambles of my own thoughts… Or whether it was only a state of happenstance; a chance. But knowing so would never really do, either. And knowing would be the end of me. Half the time… I was usually presented by the answers I do not want to know; the truths I do not seek. And maybe that’s the reason why I’m such a mess. I’m constantly being trapped in my very own chaotic thoughts like I always did.

But I cannot understand if this was just me, merely jaded. Or I, in the face of indifference. But I am both; the life proved me so. And it remains indefinite whether or not I just really know life well enough, and accepted that everything is passing through. That we are all just passing through… Or maybe things just stopped mattering so much. Because it turned out to be the norm, and nothing matters anymore…

And I’ve settled in my own chasm; and have forgotten how to live… Because doing so would never really make any difference. I was absolutely jaded to the point that I couldn’t even recognize my very own existence and what would I ever live for. 

There is nothing. There is nothing here for me. I merely exist… that is all; nothing more. And perhaps, saying so would give life a reason to get me back my sanity. A little mercy, maybe? But no, not really. Being obliterated was no reason to take away this existential madness. –The life might say.

A Need for Freedom

November 20, 2016 · 10:52pm

And then we spend most of our lives thinking we do not have much of a choice; and that we should have more. And we often do the things we do all because we have no other choice, and that we should’ve given more choices… because ‘choice‘ is what we need. –when it’s not. When it’s really not. 

We thought we do not have a choice that’s why life is unfair. But little did we know that choice is not what we even need in the first place. We don’t suffer from the lack of choices or the limitations of our options. Nor we suffer from our own poor choices. We suffer from our own perception of the world and its mechanics of having a life dependent on the choices and boundaries. We say there are no limitations; there are no boundaries. But then we believe in confinement of the given choices. And it’s our predicament to be in such a horrible deliberation of choosing the right one. I guess life is playful that way; unfair, even. But isn’t it, as a matter of fact, a very known reality to each and everyone of us to begin with? It was a given fact. And truth is, we don’t even have a choice in the very beginning. We grab and we take every opportunities; every chances that we can have because it’s hardly given to us. We only choose what’s in front of us; and what’s available. We pick from the given choices thrown upon us because there are no other options. We have to do those things because that’s what we’re supposed to; because it’s necessary. Because we need to, even if it’s not what we want. We have to do it because it’s the only way we see fit. Because we have no other choice. Because it’s what our situation demands. Because it’s what the life asks for.

Life will give us something we can call an “option” or a “choice”… when really, we are left with nothing but the mere chance of doing what’s need to be done. Pick the right one, because it’s how it’s supposed to be. In the end, we fool ourselves by constantly thinking, and believing that choice is something real. That choice is something that we all have. And choosing is something that we do; something that we used to… something we’re supposed to do. So therefore, choice is what need to have more of.

But we have no choice. We lived our lives believing we have that; we thought we had a choice, but we don’t.

Truth is, choice is not what we even need. We do not need choices any more than we need freedom.

What we need is FREEDOM. We need the freedom to choose our own paths; we need the freedom to do what we want and what we love. We need freedom to do things and make things. We need the freedom to make things happen and follow our heart. We need the freedom to dance in the air; and reach the skies. To fly up high, to run away… We should have the freedom to choose what we really want. Not to pick from the limited, constraining choices. We should be able to choose freely. To do freely. Anything and everything, as long as it makes us happy. We should be free from our own mind and our own delusional thoughts that choice is what we need. We don’t have to choose because we can do anything and everything. Why don’t we do that? To be free from everything that’s been tethering us and restraining us from doing what we really wanna do. To follow our hearts and let it be.

But such is life; and that’s our tragedy.

We ravage ourselves so much into thinking we fix up our lives by deciding what is right for us to choose… and pondering it based on the capacity of our own resort, and chosen option. Until we realize there’s a prick of emptiness within us that we hadn’t even notice was there all along. Something that we thought we didn’t feel at all. That feeling we’ve been trying to bury into oblivion all these years. Just so it won’t bother us, and we could be fine again. We thought it will; but it didn’t. We can no longer continue being oblivious because we can’t contain it anymore; we can’t hold it any longer. And we inwardly scream for freedom. We need this freedom of doing what we want and following our hearts. 

Freedom is what we truly need and not a single Choice. We need not any more choice; we need Freedom to do it all. To go beyond the limits and past our boundaries. We should be free to do it all. And it’s really just a shame we don’t realize that. We’re stuck into thinking we have no choice and that we need to have more. And that’s the tragedy of life. 

Because life can never give us the very freedom we need, either.

In Search of What to Pick

November 17, 2016 • 8:17pm

And then we spend our lives holding onto the idea that we really do have a choice…

For me though, having a “choice” is not exactly what we have. But we do get a chance sometimes to choose, and pick what we necessarily have to. And not all of us really get a glimpse of that chance. Not all of us were lucky; but the word lucky wouldn’t even be enough… it’d become an understatement, so to speak. Not all of us gets fortunate enough to get to pick from a choice available for us. But as a matter of fact, —we don’t really have a choice. If we admit it truthfully. And having choices ain’t the thing we really need, either. We don’t need a choice; we shouldn’t have the choices. In fact, it’s not even given. We should have the Freedom. We should have the freedom to choose what we really want and what we think is best for us. Not a chance to pick from a limited and only given choices; to pick what we necessarily have to. We should have the freedom to do, and go beyond the safety boundaries of our choices. We should have the freedom to do anything even beyond what’s possible. Better yet, we should have the freedom –the possibility–of doing what’s impossible. To go beyond the walls, and far beyond the barriers of having a several choices. We are being stuck upon the limitations of what we can choose rather than what we can do and we can reach. We don’t even have the right to pick what we really want; we often choose what’s in front of us because of the lack of availability of those choices. We choose what is there; we pick the choices that is served before us. We choose from those given choices. We only pick a choice because it’s what we need to do even if it’s not the thing our heart wants in the first place. 

Most of the time, I’d think we’re only forced to go with these choices because we ironically don’t really have a choice to begin with. Forced to do the picking just because it’s what we really have to do. We often do what we need to rather than what we really want. In the end, we continue flowing with the current, giving in to life itself… and our own little idea of “obligation” disguised as a “choice“. We’re always obliged to do what we have to. To choose what we’re supposed to. Even obliged to feel this way, or that way, sometimes because it’s what we think is right. We are saddled upon these choices and obliged to do certain things. Even against our own will, sometimes. To go this way, even if what we really want is to go on the other path. We are forced to choose from all the necessary, limited choices because it’s what we have to choose, or better yet, –what we need to pick. All we do is pick. Yet here we are… thinking we can really choose. That we really do have a choice. We are picking, and we are obliged to feel contented with it. Because all along we thought it’s our own choice, we thought we are choosing. When the fact is sometimes, we’re really just caged upon the necessities of life. Locked up inside our own confinement within the lie of a choice; and the pretense of the word itself. We don’t really have a choice, but having a “choice” ain’t the thing that we really need, either. We should have the freedom; not a choice.

We should’ve given the Freedom. And it’s what we should get when it’s there.

Choice is an illusion. What we do is an obligation. Our obligation to life,– and that is,– not to go against it. No matter how foul it already seems. And so we continue flowing with it… agreeing to its pretense that yes,–we do really have a choice. Surrendering to its lie that everything’s gonna be okay… Giving in to its promise of tomorrow. Even if all it does is hold us in our neck, had our backs against the wall. Blinded by all of its pretensions… we mean to agree to everything that it makes. All we do is take, and accept. Everything. Because what else can we do?

Nothing. There’s nothing we can do because we have no choice.