Living in a Blur

I always find myself meandering between “what is” and “what was”… I have lost track of time; I do not know where to slip into.

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Feb. 27, 2018 • 11:48pm

Its crazy, isn’t it?

Wow. I still can’t even get a hold of the year 2017, and yet here we are… Ending the second month of 2018. Wow. Just wow. I am speechless. I can’t even remember posting a blog dated on 2017… I have, yes maybe. But that was 1 to 3, I think? All I did was post all I wrote back in 2016… I can’t get a grip of time anymore, because all it does is elude me. Slip into my hands… Leave me. I am hopeless.

Do you even know how it feels like? To be left behind, –by time? It’s horrible. Everything’s happening around me, and yet all I feel is like being chained into the past; being trapped. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. I want to say it’s not my fault, either. But I’m afraid it is. I’m so lost and so unsure. But I am certain I was here, I was present when and while everything happens. But where am I? Where am I in all these? Those questions again… I always find myself meandering between “what is” and “what was”… I have lost track of time, — I do not know where to slip into.

I envy the people who has their own success. My friends, my acquaintances… My contemporaries. Some have graduated, some had their jobs. Married, got their own families… Some even had their children. Even if it was too soon. (At least for me) I envy them not because they already have a child; nor do I envy them because they graduated and already have their own careers and are stable now. I do want to graduate. I do want to fulfill my duty as a person who values education. But I don’t envy them with those mentioned success, or happiness… Whatever that is. Although, I do sometimes wonder how they do that. I mean, being happy and being contented with it. With what they have, or already have. Contended with the routine and their so called “Life” and what that life should be. You graduate, and then you get a job, and then later on in life.. you’re gonna get married and have your own family and then wait for yourself to get old while working yourself to the bones for your children. And then when you get old, you wait for your grandchildren to be born. And then wait for your time to die. I guess that’s life. That is the normal life. Maybe because I just don’t like the idea of, or being “normal” that’s why I wouldn’t bite to it? That’s why I couldn’t get the idea of being and doing the “norm” or how or what the norm should be like? I don’t know. I just don’t get it. But I envy them. Being contented and being happy with it. Being happy. I miss being happy. I don’t know how to do it anymore. That’s why I envy them. — because of their happiness. Oh, wait. No. I don’t envy their happiness, because in the first place, their happiness is not the same thing that will make me happy too. People are different, I guess. But I envy them simply because their life is happening.

I couldn’t figure out when, or how my life will start. But it already has started. It’s happening. It is happening now. But I couldn’t understand. It’s as if I was underneath the dark clouds; as if darkness has covered me… I couldn’t see the light. I couldn’t see anything. I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like crying, just out of unknown nostalgia. I still can’t understand myself one bit. It’s so frustrating… I don’t know how; or what I want, I don’t even know what to do either. I don’t know how to want, I don’t know what to want. I’m just so lost. Still so lost… Years have passed… And yet, that’s how it’s always been for me. I just stare into the space and wait for the wind to slap me. But there is none. All I got was just a fog. Everything is still a blur. I do not know what happened. Sometimes I’ll spend the night awake; just trying to figure out where the hell did the time go. But that was a lie. It wasn’t only “sometimes”. It was every time. It was always. It is often. I hope I can tell you, and explain to you clearly what the fuck does this blog meant. But there was nothing. Nothing I could say to you that will explain all the things that’s happening to me. But I can’t. I can’t understand it myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I wasted your time by reading this crappy shit. That’s all I can think of. That’s all I can say for now. That’s just how my mind goes. It’s all messed up. I hope next time you come around I can say something that makes sense. Something… Maybe something that will help. Something that adds up good into this world. But I’m afraid, there is none. There’s nothing. There’s nothing I can think of that will make just a little bit of sense.

I’ll just leave it like that. And wait for something. Just something... And maybe then, I can figure this shit out. But that’s what I’m like; that’s what I always feel like. Always having a lot to say… But always feeling empty at the end of the day. I don’t know how to break this spell.

Unpredictability is what Makes Me

I am a mix of every bits of unexpected things together and no one understands it… not even me.

Oct. 19, 2016 • 2:14am

My unpredictability is what makes me..

I am a mix of every shapes… and hue there is. Every burst of colors… every splatter of the ink. Every thunderstorm; and rainbows. Every wave of the sea… –and blow of the wind. And every kind of calmness and chaos there is. I am a mix of every bits of unexpected things together and no one understands it… not even me.

–Not even me..

To Occult Oneself

To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself. To live. To be. To become free…

October 5, 2016 • 4:35pm

I wish to unlearn the things I didn’t want to know. To forget the things I didn’t want to see; and the feelings I didn’t intend to convey. I wanted to save my heart, (if that was even possible) in the first place. I didn’t intend to know the truth about life… And these, unlikely lessons I’ve learned… I wish to get off of my mind. But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know… deep, beneath my dilapidated, and teneous soul… Reality will always come hovering to me; with its bitter sensation that even if I badly wanted to dream, I will wake up in its cold arms… Reminding me that I was once a Dreamer, but the world is a great mess that I had to become a Realist.

I wanted to… I wanted to shroud myself, if I was able to. To shelter my heart; and let it be. Even if it means being naive. I used to know what innocence was. I knew it the moment I realized I am no longer… It was like being a kid, accidentally witnessing the war in the battleground… with so much wound… and blood.. and casualties. It was like… it was like instantaneously taking away the humanity in you,– the humanity out of you; right in front of your very eyes. It was like stealing your very own freedom from you; stealing your chance to live a peaceful life. — Your one and only life… Taking away that chance to live in your own truth, — the truth you thought was true, instead of slapping reality to you. The life you chose to live… The truth you choose to believe. Let me believe a lie, instead. — I’d probably say. I wanted to conceal, to cover, and hide myself away from all of it… I’d protect myself from it — I really would. If only I could.

I… by all means, would really hide myself away from the world had I had the chance to. But it’s as if you could really hide away from Life. You cannot escape life, I’d known it by now, at least. No matter how much you run; or where you run to, it cannot leave you. And I know, deep in your heart… you are screaming, and crying out for help. Because I do, too. There are days when I do not know what to do… I do not know what happened; I do not know what will… I do not understand a thing. And I just keep sinking… and sinking… Until nobody can reach me. There are days like that… where I just keep on floating… and drifting away; I do not know how. But I just… — all I wanna do was stop. Breathing. And existing. I want to disappear. I want to go away. Far… far away… – where no one can reach me. No one can know me. No one can see me. — Because that’s me. That’s who I am. And I am alone. Sometimes I wish I’m not; but I am. I wanted to be gone, but I can’t.– I do not know how. 

And I know what’s next. I know just how it’s gonna be. I’d wish… and wish I hadn’t known a thing. About life… about the world… and everything in it… How fleeting life can be… How much pain you will bear… How many people will leave… How much everything can change; how much everything is… How much lie can sustain the truth… How much of yourself you will leave behind; how many pieces of you can you lost… How much everything can go wrong… And how much of it was your own fault. How much people can die from such unwanted tragedy; how much life can be wasted. Yeah, just things like that. I’d wish. And wish. But no amount of wishes can ever grant you the truth or the lie you wanted. Reality is here, and it’s what will stay. It’s what will remain at the end of the day.

And reality, no matter how much can suck, is what will be there for you… even if it’s not what you wanted. Even if all you wanted was to live your own fantasy and stay there; reality will wake you. And Life, no matter how cruel, is something you will have to live, and have to deal with the most. — it’s what will subsist. 

And even though painful, realization is what will last forever. Something that’s real…  Something we did not thought can be. Something that hurts… Something that will wound us profoundly; something… that will scar us forever. Something that’s epiphany. 

I wish I could go back… And unseen what I have happened to see… To turn back time… To turn everything back and become okay again. –To make everything okay again. — To finally be okay again. I wish to unfelt everything… I have ever felt; to take off all the feelings I had to bear but did not choose to. To unlearn those things I did not ever mean to know. To… to become unmindful, perhaps, — of this becoming of the world that I hadn’t even planned. To become free of all this grown-up shits.

To become innocent again. To become free of all this misery. To become unaware; instead of always trying to go back to the past and wishing things didn’t happened. To be saved; to shelter myself. To occult myself.

To live. To be. To become free…

Therapeutic Sea

“And though the waves keep pushing you aside, you know your feet won’t just give up to keep you afloat… And in that moment… somehow, that was enough.”

July 4, 2016 • 10:16pm

Swimming in the sea makes me feel wild and free…

In a sense that the horizon is infinite; there are no barriers around you. No walls to restrain, or trammel you; or will hinder you to go elsewhere. There was no boundaries that confines you; nor hedges to constrain you. There seem to be no limitations in everything. You can do whatever you want, there are no strings or clips that will pin you down. The view is endless. And so the possibilities are boundless. You know you’re in the widest, huge space spot and that no one can reach you nor drag you. You feel like you’re all alone and the whole view is all yours; the place is yours. Yours. And nobody else’s. And then you just feel amazingly free; and though the waves keep pushing you aside, you know your feet won’t just give up kicking and you keep on swimming to stay afloat… Fighting every wave that comes your way… you continue to swim and carry on. 

And in that moment, somehow, that was enough.

The Light Within

It’s not about the absence of light; or the darkness anymore… Sometimes, it’s all about the capacity of your own will to see the light that’s not even there at all.

January 28, 2017 • 10:44am

It’s not about the absence of light; or the darkness anymore… Sometimes, it’s all about the capacity of your own will to see the light that’s not even there at all. Not the ability nor capability to witness. But your own willingness to do so. Your willingness to see. Your mere decision to be provided. To see what’s invisible to the naked eye; and what’s beyond the reach of your eyesight. It is seen only by your own will; or rather, felt. That only light that’s always been inside of you.

In the end… it becomes our own decision to see. It becomes about our will to go past the darkness… or even beyond our dimmed vision.

Emptiness, I guess…

We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life; surrender to our own questions… issues, and doubts… We give in to life itself.

January 27, 2017 · 1:58am

Sometimes we seemed okay… and we look fine. And everything seems to be just fine…

Until at some point, something hits you and you feel incomplete. You don’t feel whole at all. It’s just that… you’re suddenly feeling empty, and it surely felt like something was missing. Something went missing. It’s so strange; everything doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like something’s not right; something was gone. Like… there’s something wrong.

We learn to live a life full of changes. No, I mean… we learn to live and understand that everything change.– and that includes our Life.

We are left on our own. With so many questions that’s ever more baffling than before. We usually pass up, without even understanding a thing… and then eventually give up. We let go when we couldn’t take it anymore. We surrender to life… surrender to our own questions; surrender to all the issues, and doubts. We give in. We… inevitably let it all go for sure. Let it go when we couldn’t grasp our own reality anymore. When we couldn’t hold onto our dreams any longer because it just seems so… unreal. –Ideal. We let go when we can no longer make ourselves believe. Our dreams were perfect, but we’re not. We, by all means, learn that maybe dreaming was just for kids. Oh, the perks of growing up. Or, should I say “downside”?

We are waiting for the answers that will never come.

We continue to seek… and try to find these answers we badly needed to know. And then we consistently ask questions, after questions… That leads into yet another question we could never ever get an answers for. Not even a single one. And frustrating enough, we just can’t stop questioning everything. But answers don’t seem to come easily… while questions were pouring profusely down on us like a fire bullets. It doesn’t seemed to have a sort of cessation.

It’s just that, not everything is all about the answers. But answer is something that counts. It’s something that we need. It’s the only thing that will make our sense to the world. Or, the only thing that would make sense to us in this world. We need answers just as much as we need to live, and breathe. It is something that gives sense to us; it is something that gives us meaning. But it seems to me that… questions were more likely to be served upon us than it is the other way ’round…

Until we eventually doubt everything. We could no longer believe at anything anymore. Because we can’t forever hold onto questions; we can’t trust every sign. We need something more substantial. We need something… real. Something genuine. We need some proof.

But it’s as if life really gives you a proof.

We hadn’t even been given any reason. Not choices anyway. Hell, we hardly even had a little clue. But we cannot hold onto something that’s fleeting… We wanted certainty. But the world has no guarantee if…– everything about it is.. passing through. We cannot ask for it to give us a steadfast life; and a certain reason, when all it knows was changes…

We cannot demand such delusional mirage from something cryptic like Life.

And then we drift, and we roll… and tried everything we could just to get that only one answer we constantly long for. And yet, all we found was nothing. There is nothing. But why the hell does it still have to feel like there has to be something? That there is always something. Something between the lines… There’s something that we can find from behind the walls… from behind the bars… from behind the ruins… from behind the iron gates. From beyond our very own walls.

Because we always feel like there’s something. That there must be something. There is something here for us… Something we can find.. Something we can have… Even something we can own, eventually. There’s always this something…-an urge. An urge to know… The urge to believe. The urge to hope for more… for something. Something that we could never even figure out. And then we end up longing. Longing for something we do not even know… Something we’ve never had. Something we cannot have.

From behind, and beyond the unknown.

Why the hell does it have to feel like there is something to be found behind the unknown?– If you just gotta believe, and be courageous enough to go through it… Or to be eager enough; and be determined enough to want to know. To learn… That’s what I don’t understand about the human life. I don’t understand why everything has to appear so simple, when everything was nothing but complicated. Why does it have to look, and to sound so easy and simple?  Why does it have to pretend to be something it’s not? Why does it even have to fool us? Or, — is it really worth it?

It’ll make you feel like you have to be brave, and face everything… because there is something so precious that’s waiting for you on the other side. Just go, do it. Have courage and do something because life will surely guaranty you for it; for your act of bravery. Like it’ll reward you for striving really hard.

And then we, fool people that we are, of course follow the path. And in the end, there is nothing. It made us feel like there is something waiting for us at the end of the line… and then we held onto it. And we strongly believed that there has to be… there has something in there. That it was true,–there really is something, after all. Something so real… something so marvelous. Something brilliant. And then we get there, and there was nothing. It’s empty. Until we find ourselves on the very same void that we had created, and imagined… Quite similar to the only thing that we found. Empty.

We continue being victimized by our own life. We continue gathering the answers… that we never got. I guess there really is just one certain answer, after all.

Emptiness.

Indifference and Madness

They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts.

November 28, 2016 · 10:16pm

I have this thing in mind… a very chaotic notion; perhaps some kind of oppression… that had been going on in my mind lately. Or shall I say, — every now and then. And it’d since then been aggravating me a lot, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it is; nor what to do about it. 

My thoughts are a mess. And I am a disaster. I subconsciously do things I know I wouldn’t really do on purpose. They say that we have our own volition… but I could not believe them; I do not choose to think, but I cannot escape these thoughts. I had given up hope on everything; I couldn’t care less whatever happens. I do not care about anything. At all. I could probably go past these torment and out of such predicament without shedding a tear from the eye; without even a single cringe. I wasn’t stranger to pain, but I wasn’t numb, either. Or so I thought; because I know I shouldn’t. I am indifferent and I wasn’t supposed to be. I am human and was supposed to feel. Because if I don’t, what would be the point of being alive, then? 

But still, I could screw the world over, and shut people out without looking back and feeling a thing. Not even a guilt. I felt nothing. But… how come? I want nothing, feel nothing. I am nothing. How could I? I am dangerously empty. Hollow, even. I am the void that wraps up my very own.

Perhaps this was indifference.

Maybe I was only stoic because I am no stranger to all this; it’s not at all new to me. It couldn’t surprise me more… I’m so used to all these. –so sick and fed up. I’ve grown jaded enough already to still give a damn. These no longer bother me,– in any way. Not even a little. I can never be more affected; let alone upset. That despite all the unpredictability of life… I still know what’s going to happen in the end. It always goes down to one thing. That exact same thing.

And I still do not know… whatever was the causation of these improbable shambles of my own thoughts… Or whether it was only a state of happenstance; a chance. But knowing so would never really do, either. And knowing would be the end of me. Half the time… I was usually presented by the answers I do not want to know; the truths I do not seek. And maybe that’s the reason why I’m such a mess. I’m constantly being trapped in my very own chaotic thoughts like I always did.

But I cannot understand if this was just me, merely jaded. Or I, in the face of indifference. But I am both; the life proved me so. And it remains indefinite whether or not I just really know life well enough, and accepted that everything is passing through. That we are all just passing through… Or maybe things just stopped mattering so much. Because it turned out to be the norm, and nothing matters anymore…

And I’ve settled in my own chasm; and have forgotten how to live… Because doing so would never really make any difference. I was absolutely jaded to the point that I couldn’t even recognize my very own existence and what would I ever live for. 

There is nothing. There is nothing here for me. I merely exist… that is all; nothing more. And perhaps, saying so would give life a reason to get me back my sanity. A little mercy, maybe? But no, not really. Being obliterated was no reason to take away this existential madness. –The life might say.