The In Between

April 4, 2021

I go through waves of ups and downs. Sometimes I’d find myself diving too deeply in the world of calm that calls my mind. And then other times I’d be sinking so slowly, so plainly… so unreasonably. Until there’s no more air for me to breathe. I sometimes like that, I sometimes find it uncomfortable; but I want it. I always want it. Then sometimes I’d feel high; so high, that I’d just find myself dancing on the moon; floating somewhere. Going anywhere; or going nowhere. That’s just what life is, to me. That’s how it looks like to me. Life and Death, and Death and Life. I in the middle, with the moon and the ocean in between.

I am in the middle of it all… And I don’t even know what to feel anymore.

Ebbed Into the Void

Oct. 27, 2019 • 10:53pm

It’s such a lonely night tonight… When did I ever feel such sadness? Here I am, and I thought I’d forgotten how… But tonight is such a melancholic night. The sky’s so dark and I can hear the rain dripping from the roof. The rain’s getting even more stronger now.

Loneliness. Emptiness. Death.

Death comes in such a smooth… quiet way. Just so no one’s gonna be disturbed; just so no one would ever know. No one would ever notice. Just so it’d come as a surprise. — a very horrible kind of surprise. It comes creeping in. It’d always come creeping in… quietly… carefully… The wind blows and then everything would vanish… in a blink of an eye. And then everything,– I mean, everything… would just turn into mere memories. Tiny little bits of memories. All pieces of it scattered. But that’s the painful part.– Not being able to recognize and assemble the debris of what has been left of. Even making yourself just try to pick up the pieces is such a heavy and painful process alone. I don’t know how it’s even possible to move on after all the catastrophe… After all that it had done. After all that happened. After all the damage. A moment turns from solid into fine dust in a matter of seconds. Something that you can touch a few moments ago is now gone; something that used to be there. Something… something that used to occupy the space is no more. I’m such a forgetful idiot person but I don’t know how to forget. I really don’t. Can’t we feel unhurt? Can’t we feel unbroken? Can’t we… can’t we just be? Can’t we just be what we used to be? Is this how it means to be alive? To be existing? To exist once in a while and live and never to exist anymore? To be away; in such a million light years that no one can reach you… Ever again? Is this how we’re supposed to be like? To be thrown into the abyss and then vanish quickly; fade away rapidly. Go into the fire and turn into ashes in millisecond? I thought that we are creature meant to cherish the world, and yet when one is taken away, it’s like… — It’s like the world falls apart and everything fall into pieces. And then the whole world is gone; it’s no longer there. Everything fall into ruins.

How do you suppose to get accustomed to the weather? When once… it used to be so warm and suddenly, you find yourself out in the cold?

How do you suppose to fill up such void?