Inconstantly

The world will never again become the way it used to be. —To the way it has always been.

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Feb. 27, 2017 9:18pm

And then when change finally wraps its arms to everything that’s there; to everything around you… The world will never again become the way it used to be. —To the way it has always been. Your life will never be the same life that you had; the one that you owned. And you will start asking yourself if it’s still your life, or whether you are still the person that you are. It will take time to realize everything all at once, when all those dire questions inevitably pours down on you. It will take time. And you’ll realize. And you will learn. But first, it will throw you into the darkest void where there is nothing but emptiness. And only then, you will understand that no one can escape the world of indifference. Not until you succumbed; and not until you let yourself have the chance to live again. Because nothing then would’ve even mattered.

–Not anymore.

Just Go…

So go… Just go.

Feb. 1, 2017 • 3:56pm

You have to find what it is that you want to do; what you love to do. Because it is the thing that will make your life worth living. It’s what will make you happy; what will set you free. It’s what will give your life a meaning and a purpose. It’s what will serve as an answer to all your questions. That’s why you have to go and find it. So just go.

Living in a Blur

I always find myself meandering between “what is” and “what was”… I have lost track of time; I do not know where to slip into.

Feb. 27, 2018 • 11:48pm

Its crazy, isn’t it?

Wow. I still can’t even get a hold of the year 2017, and yet here we are… Ending the second month of 2018. Wow. Just wow. I am speechless. I can’t even remember posting a blog dated on 2017… I have, yes maybe. But that was 1 to 3, I think? All I did was post all I wrote back in 2016… I can’t get a grip of time anymore, because all it does is elude me. Slip into my hands… Leave me. I am hopeless.

Do you even know how it feels like? To be left behind, –by time? It’s horrible. Everything’s happening around me, and yet all I feel is like being chained into the past; being trapped. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. I want to say it’s not my fault, either. But I’m afraid it is. I’m so lost and so unsure. But I am certain I was here, I was present when and while everything happens. But where am I? Where am I in all these? Those questions again… I always find myself meandering between “what is” and “what was”… I have lost track of time, — I do not know where to slip into.

I envy the people who has their own success. My friends, my acquaintances… My contemporaries. Some have graduated, some had their jobs. Married, got their own families… Some even had their children. Even if it was too soon. (At least for me) I envy them not because they already have a child; nor do I envy them because they graduated and already have their own careers and are stable now. I do want to graduate. I do want to fulfill my duty as a person who values education. But I don’t envy them with those mentioned success, or happiness… Whatever that is. Although, I do sometimes wonder how they do that. I mean, being happy and being contented with it. With what they have, or already have. Contended with the routine and their so called “Life” and what that life should be. You graduate, and then you get a job, and then later on in life.. you’re gonna get married and have your own family and then wait for yourself to get old while working yourself to the bones for your children. And then when you get old, you wait for your grandchildren to be born. And then wait for your time to die. I guess that’s life. That is the normal life. Maybe because I just don’t like the idea of, or being “normal” that’s why I wouldn’t bite to it? That’s why I couldn’t get the idea of being and doing the “norm” or how or what the norm should be like? I don’t know. I just don’t get it. But I envy them. Being contented and being happy with it. Being happy. I miss being happy. I don’t know how to do it anymore. That’s why I envy them. — because of their happiness. Oh, wait. No. I don’t envy their happiness, because in the first place, their happiness is not the same thing that will make me happy too. People are different, I guess. But I envy them simply because their life is happening.

I couldn’t figure out when, or how my life will start. But it already has started. It’s happening. It is happening now. But I couldn’t understand. It’s as if I was underneath the dark clouds; as if darkness has covered me… I couldn’t see the light. I couldn’t see anything. I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like crying, just out of unknown nostalgia. I still can’t understand myself one bit. It’s so frustrating… I don’t know how; or what I want, I don’t even know what to do either. I don’t know how to want, I don’t know what to want. I’m just so lost. Still so lost… Years have passed… And yet, that’s how it’s always been for me. I just stare into the space and wait for the wind to slap me. But there is none. All I got was just a fog. Everything is still a blur. I do not know what happened. Sometimes I’ll spend the night awake; just trying to figure out where the hell did the time go. But that was a lie. It wasn’t only “sometimes”. It was every time. It was always. It is often. I hope I can tell you, and explain to you clearly what the fuck does this blog meant. But there was nothing. Nothing I could say to you that will explain all the things that’s happening to me. But I can’t. I can’t understand it myself.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I wasted your time by reading this crappy shit. That’s all I can think of. That’s all I can say for now. That’s just how my mind goes. It’s all messed up. I hope next time you come around I can say something that makes sense. Something… Maybe something that will help. Something that adds up good into this world. But I’m afraid, there is none. There’s nothing. There’s nothing I can think of that will make just a little bit of sense.

I’ll just leave it like that. And wait for something. Just something... And maybe then, I can figure this shit out. But that’s what I’m like; that’s what I always feel like. Always having a lot to say… But always feeling empty at the end of the day. I don’t know how to break this spell.

Unpredictability is what Makes Me

I am a mix of every bits of unexpected things together and no one understands it… not even me.

Oct. 19, 2016 • 2:14am

My unpredictability is what makes me..

I am a mix of every shapes… and hue there is. Every burst of colors… every splatter of the ink. Every thunderstorm; and rainbows. Every wave of the sea… –and blow of the wind. And every kind of calmness and chaos there is. I am a mix of every bits of unexpected things together and no one understands it… not even me.

–Not even me..

A Life in Camouflage

The thing about chameleoning your life is that, –you can’t stick with the truth; and what is real.

Oct. 11, 2016 • 12:14am

The thing about chameleoning your life is that, –you can’t stick with the truth; and what is real. You can’t wake up to reality while keeping your eyes closed and pretend to be dreaming… You cling into this illusion that what’s happening around is alright; and that everything’s okay. You can’t accept it when it’s not. You blend into things and convince yourself that everything is as it seems. When you know the very real thing; you just won’t bite into it. And you continue being a victim by your own pretensions and a great talent.

Seek and Seize

Those magical identities and colorful secrets of infinity is present only for those who want to see…

Oct. 4, 2016 • 3pm

And I want you to remember that the world is an open sky… A vast place; with so many beautiful, and quirky things beyond. You can look up above and see nothing and everything all at once. But honey, I want you to know that the universe is open only for those who want to know it and to those who are willing enough to understand the boundless mysteries it can offer. Those magical identities and colorful secrets of infinity is present only for those who want to see. For the ones that are eager enough to discover; and the ones who are crazy enough to find out.